


A scorching hot summer

by jvngfs



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-18 20:41:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 51,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4719734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvngfs/pseuds/jvngfs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myungsoo likes Sungyeol the best in the summer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is really sad.
> 
> Minor Myungsoo/Sunggyu and Myungsoo/Hoya.

**I.**

 

 

"Give it back! You stole it! I hate you!" A very angry six years old Sungyeol yells at a very quiet and lost five years old Myungsoo. When Sungyeol is angry, his ears turn red ; today they are crimson. The neighbor's kid, Myungsoo by his awful name, stole his favorite toy - an awesome little car colored of bright blue - and he is refusing to give it back to him.

Actually Myungsoo isn't a very friendly kid. He usually plays on his own and since he always did, he enjoys it. So, he doesn't care much about Sungyeol hating him. To be honest, he always found Sungyeol to be too loud and too energetic. 

Sungyeol likes to jump in the mud puddles with both feet. Myungsoo hates it because he hates when his clothes are soaked and dirty. Sungyeol likes to run after the neighborhood's girls to try to kiss them and if they refuse, he pulls their hair. Myungsoo hates it because girls are stupid. Sungyeol likes to invite a whole bunch of kids to his place to play war games in his garden. Myungsoo hates it because he'll rather stay on his own ; where it is quiet and peaceful. He likes to collect empty snails shells but other kids find it weird and gross.

But still, Sungyeol is Myungsoo best friend. Not that Myungsoo has any other friends to compare with, but Sungyeol is the closest to what Myungsoo thinks a friend should be. He always asks Myungsoo to play with him even though he always refuses and he always offers him gifts on his birthdays even though they are mostly toys like the blue car Sungyeol is claiming and Myungsoo really hates this kind of stuff.

So, when Sungyeol yells at him and shakes him by the shoulders because he is mad, Myungsoo just lets it go and doesn't hold grudges against Sungyeol. If Sungyeol had asked nicely, Myungsoo would have told him that he saw Dongwoo play with it in front of his house two hours ago, but since Sungyeol is being mean, Myungsoo doesn't say anything. 

Sungyeol leaves after a few minutes, his small fists clenched in fury, walking loudly and heavily while crossing the road to show everyone that he is very, very angry. Myungsoo simply follows his small silhouette with his eyes and gets back to look for empty shells along his house's driveway. 

The weather is so good and hot that Myungsoo is sweating buckets under the summer sun. Drops of sweat even reach his eyes and make him cry. He wipes them with the back of his hand while trying to keep his eyes fully open to not miss any snails. 

He continues his research for a while, sitting on the ground until both of his hands are so full that he can't even hold them all. He still keeps seeking for snails until his stomach is rumbling and he runs back to his house to ask his mom for something to eat.

 

Sungyeol hasn't talk to Myungsoo for three days and Myungsoo is running out of snails to look for in the driveway. And since he isn't allowed to go further down the street because cars are dangerous and since playing soccer isn't funny and since he isn't friend with anyone else, Myungsoo has to stay alone, with nothing to do, in front of his house. It is boring and Myungsoo hates being bored.

After trying to look at the sun the longest time he can without closing his eyes and tried to catch a cat and almost gotten scratch, Myungsoo is out of ideas to entertain himself. He wishes he could go play with the others kids but since Sungyeol is still mad at him, he can't.

Myungsoo stretches out on the grass, his eyes closed, trying to focus on listening to the crickets when a figure appears, covering him with its shadow. He opens his eyes but as he kept them close too long and the kid is standing in front of the sun, he can't distinguish his features. 

"I forgive you for the car. Sungjong told me that it was Dongwoo who stole it." Sungyeol chews on his lower lip, visibly embarrassed, and Myungsoo feels a jolt of joy in his stomach. He wants to ask Sungyeol if it means they are friends again but he is too shy for that. "We need another person to complete the team, do you want to come?" Sungyeol gestures towards a group of kids afar in the street.

Myungsoo is about to say no but since Sungyeol forgave him, he decides to be nice and agrees. He stands up, wiping the grass off his jeans with his hands as he follows Sungyeol happily. He doesn't know the other kids well but it doesn't really matter since Sungyeol likes him again and he even wraps an arm around his shoulder in front of the others, leaving Myungsoo with an uncontrollable grin.

And after that, Myungsoo doesn't even listen to the rules of the game one of the girls tries to explain as Sungyeol decides that they are on the same team and also because he sees a shell on the ground and he wants to pick it up before the game begins.

 

When Myungsoo is eight years old, Sungyeol makes him dressed up as a princess for the school festival because he is wearing a prince's costume and needs a princess to accompany him. Myungsoo hates the idea at first. He isn't a girl. But then Sungyeol says he is pretty and so he keeps the dress on for the whole day.

The other kids laugh at him at lot that day, but they instantly stop when Sungyeol yells at them with his mean voice, his small fists on his hips, because nobody has the right to insult HIS princess. Sungyeol is so cool at that moment that Myungsoo even accepts to climb on the back of his imaginary white horse. 

Sungyeol always had a strong charisma and it almost became a habit for Myungsoo to obey him. 

When he is 13 years old, Sungyeol likes to ride bicycles around the neighborhood with a bunch of naughty kids. They even break one of the neighbor's windows by throwing stones at it once. Myungsoo doesn't like loud things and speed and especially this kind of kids, but once in a while, when he is bored, Sungyeol knocks at Myungsoo's door and asks his mom if he can come play with him.

Then he puts a very puny Myungsoo on the back of his bicycle and rides at full speed around the houses. Myungsoo hates it so much that he cries every time but then Sungyeol always hugs him and sometimes passes a hand through his hair and says that it was fun and that Myungsoo needs some thrills in his life to become a man. That, Myungsoo loves it. He hopes he can be like Sungyeol ; strong and fearless.

When Myungsoo is 14, Sungyeol gets so mad at him because he told his mother that his son is smoking behind her back that he doesn't speak to Myungsoo for month. He even hits him so hard on the cheek that the bruise takes two weeks to completely disappear. Myungsoo cries a lot. Then he apologizes. And apologizes again. Until one day when Sungyeol invites him to eat lunch with him at school. Myungsoo is so happy that he can't sleep at all that night.

Myungsoo always loved the way Sungyeol looks at him. He loves his intimidating eyes because they make him feel so important that he can't believe how lucky he is to have someone like Sungyeol looking at him. Especially when Sungyeol is staring at him with a mix of interest and desire that always gives Myungsoo indescribable chills. 

 

 

Myungsoo never really thought he was in love with Sungyeol. Actually, he never really thought about love to begin with. Of course, he read about it in books, saw it on TV and heard people talking about happiness and grief and all sort of things, but he never took time to question himself about it. Maybe because it had always seem so simple ; he had always differentiated the persons he doesn't like - mostly the other kids in school and that girl from the house two blocks away who always tells him he is weird - and the persons he loves - his mother and Sungyeol. And he never felt that anything was strange about it, because he admires Sungyeol for being smart and intimidating and doing all the things he can't do while he admires his mother for being always caring and sweet and also because both of them are always hugging him tightly. Myungsoo likes to be hug the best.

The first time he realizes that something isn't right with him - that he is different from the others - is when a girl from his class kisses him on the cheek before running away. Myungsoo stays frozen and dazed with his cheek on fire. When he comes to understand that the girl actually likes him and wants to date him, he answers that, as for himself, he doesn't like her because he already likes Sungyeol and he doesn't want to like anyone else. After that, the girl cries, slaps the same cheek she kissed him on, calls him sick and runs away again. 

After this, Myungsoo never has any other awkward encounters like this. Girls looses interest in him and he never gains any in them. He even forgets what he told her that day for a while.

But it all comes back to him three days after his 15th birthday. They are coming back home from school and for once, Sungyeol accepted to walk with him. Their shoulders are brushing against each other once in a while and the proximity almost makes Myungsoo uncomfortable. He wants to hold Sungyeol's hand but he knows he will probably refuse, pushing his hand away angrily like he always does. Sungyeol doesn't like doing skinship with Myungsoo lately.

It is one of the hottest summer they ever experienced and the sun is burning on their exposed skin ; on Myungsoo's arms, on Sungyeol's neck. The heat obliges them to walk slowly and by the trees to try to catch the slightest bits they can of the refreshing shadows. Myungsoo's backpack feels heavy on his shoulders, his mouth is dry and he can only think about the cold cherries waiting for him in his fridge. Sungyeol doesn't really like cherries but it doesn't matter because he can still have an ice cream if he wants to. There are always cherries and ice cream in his fridge.

"Let's rest here a bit," Sungyeol whines, wiping the sweat off his temple with the back of his hand. They stop under the shadow of a particularly large tree and Myungsoo has to admit it feels good. They are only a few minutes left from home but the road is particularly hot, exuding the unpleasant scent of asphalt, and the sun on the concrete makes it look like it will catch on fire any time soon. "What do you think about Sujin?" 

Sungyeol doesn't talk about girls. Never with Myungsoo at least. The only time Myungsoo heard him pronounce a girl name it was when one of them hit him with a book in elementary school. "Lee Jihyun!," he had scream, enraged, that time. But since then, nothing. So, Sungyeol's question takes Myungsoo by surprise and his stomach swirls when he hears it. As Myungsoo doesn't answer, he continues. "She's pretty, right? I think she's pretty." Myungsoo doesn't want to listen to this. He does not. But he can't do anything as he stands frozen under the burning heat, staring at Sungyeol's lips uttering words he wishes he never heard.

Myungsoo's lump in his throat grows so much that he thinks he won't ever be able to talk again and he closes his eyes tight, really tight. Sungyeol probably thinks that it is because of the bright sunlights, but it isn't. When he opens his eyes again, Sungyeol is still there, talking about a girl, and the light is too strong after keeping his eyes closed so long. It hurts.

Myungsoo doesn't wait for his vision to readjust and takes a step closer, so small that it isn't even step and leans forward, his breath tickling against Sungyeol's skin just before he pushes his lips against his. It is a quick kiss. So quick that it feels more like a brush. He kisses him once fully on the mouth and then again on the corner of his lips, missing his cheek by a centimeter.

Myungsoo had never been so close to Sungyeol's before. But now he is so close that his nose is full of Sungyeol's scent and it is almost suffocating. Myungsoo likes Sungyeol's scent the best among all the other scents. It is musky and reassuring and he can recognize it among a billion others.

Myungsoo would have accepted any reactions from Sungyeol ; reject, embarrassment, shame, everything, but he doesn't expect Sungyeol to stare at him with wide eyes and a trembling lower lip. And then he doesn't expect him to laugh. But he does. He laughs out loud. And Sungyeol isn't someone who laughs easily. Actually, the closest Myungsoo ever heard to a laugh from him is in the moments when - usually after something really funny happened - he would lower his head to hide his smile, but this time he laughs with his teeth and gums showing and his eyes folding. Myungsoo tries really hard to hold back the tears forming in his eyes by looking straight as the sun. He has never felt so humiliated before.

Sungyeol ruffles his hair and passes an arm around his neck, bringing his head to his chest, choking him a little like he will do to a cute little brother. "Let's go," he adds with a chuckle, forcing Myungsoo to trip on his feet with his head still blocked in a weird angle against Sungyeol's shoulder. 

They go home and neither Myungsoo nor Sungyeol talk about it again. Never. Myungsoo whishes they would have. He should have ask Sungyeol why he reacted that way ; like Myungsoo is still a child whose feelings can't be taken seriously. Myungsoo should have been mad at him at least but he isn't.

Now that Myungsoo thinks about it, it is probably because Sungyeol starts dating Sujin two days after. And just like that, Myungsoo comes to think that Sungyeol forgot about this crazy afternoon of July.

Sungyeol drives Sujin around the neighborhood in his car - now that he is sixteen and his dad bought him a car -, goes to the movies with her, walks to school with his hand resting on her hip and after school he comes to Myungsoo's to eat ice cream, to ruffle his hair and to tell him how good it feels to have a girlfriend. 

Sungyeol always did everything before Myungsoo. Myungsoo used to think that it is because he is older but soon he realizes that it is simply because Sungyeol is a happy and social person while Myungsoo will always be the awkward dark kid following him around. 

After this day, Myungsoo cries a lot. So much that some nights he thinks he is going to die from crying, being unable to catch his breath. His eyes become swollen and end up staying like that. His throat is so sore that he starts drinking liters of milk mixed with honey. It makes him sick and he has to stop. So he drinks liquor instead. Everything he can find in his house when his mother isn't there. Sungyeol eventually stops coming home from school every day with him because he wants to walk Sujin home and Myungsoo has to walk under the sun on his own. He catches many sunburns that summer ; on his nose, on his arms, even on his legs, because he avoids every trees on the way back and resolutely faces the sun until he reaches his house and usually, his head is so dizzy and his vision so blurry that he has to sit twenty minutes in the living room before doing anything else. 

And then, he seeks for alcohol. At first, the whiskey burns his tongue and the tequila makes him cough but it eventually gets better and he even starts to develop his own taste. He likes the tequila better in the summer with some lemon juice. The vodka is for winter because it makes him feel sleepy and all warm inside.

His mother never notices the alcohol disappearing or if she does, she doesn't say anything. Anyways, she still buys bottles every weeks and Myungsoo is glad for it. 

It is the first time someone broke his heart, Myungsoo realizes one night as he is slowly sinking in the aftermath of the alcohol. Of course it is Sungyeol who did it. It has always been Sungyeol. It is cold outside and his house feels even colder, but the worst thing is the loneliness. He thinks about Sungyeol, about the fact that he is probably with Sujin right now. Myungsoo saw them leaving school together earlier this day. Maybe they are sleeping. Or maybe worse. And the thought brings, once again, as usual, tears in Myungsoo's eyes.

It is the first time he drinks so much in one night, but at least, he is able to sleep a bit, or more like he collapses on his bed. The next morning he pretends to be sick - and he really is in a way - to not go to school. "Okay, rest well today because you'd have to go tomorrow," his mother consents. The truth is that he doesn't want to see Sungyeol's and Sujin's happy faces. The same exact smile Sungyeol used to shout him when he would say something funny. He can't bear to share it with anyone else. Or worse, he doesn't want to see the proud faces of people who got laid last night. Or maybe he is just being paranoid. Myungsoo isn't so sure anymore.

 

Sungyeol and Sujin breaks up almost exactly one year later. Myungsoo thought that Sungyeol would have been sad but he coolly shrugs and says that he is going to drive Myungsoo back from school for now on. Myungsoo smiles so much that day that his mother asks if he is sick again. 

 

And Sungyeol does. The next day Myungsoo is sitting on the worn out seats of Sungyeol's car and even though the leather is too hot and he is sweating because the car doesn't have any air con, he is happy. He even dares to put on some music. Some old rock songs blasts through the radio. But not too loud in case Sungyeol wants to speak. Sungyeol doesn't speak really often, he is more of the quiet type, but Myungsoo likes to think that he speaks more around him. He wonders if he spoke a lot with Sujin too. They probably did. That is what couple are supposed to do but since Myungsoo has never been a relationship with anyone, he isn't sure. Maybe they just need to hold hands, kiss and have sex and it is enough. Maybe talking isn't really a part of what people call being in love. Myungsoo likes when Sungyeol speaks. His voice is sweet and never too loud and it has something comforting in it that he can't quite describe. 

"It's funny to ride this car with you," Sungyeol says while looking straight ahead, but by the tone of his voice, Myungsoo can tell it isn't really funny and none of them are laughing anyway. "I mean-" He lets out a somehow bitter chuckle. "I used to always drive it with Sujin." By the way the name rolls on Sungyeol's tongue, Myungsoo knows he is hurt. His eyes aren't watery and his voice doesn't waver but its bitterness is enough and it makes Myungsoo hurt more knowing that Sungyeol is sad. He feels like crying again. Only Sungyeol by being beside him right now stops him to do so and he bites the inside of his cheeks hard. Myungsoo doesn't know how long the silence lasts but when Sungyeol speaks again his voice is back to its normal sweetness. "But you know, it's nice with you too. It's less-" He seems to think, or maybe he is just looking at the rearview mirrors, Myungsoo can't tell because he is staring at his lap. "nerve-racking, I'd say." This time it is a real smile. 

"Oh yeah? Why?" Not that Myungsoo is particularly curious. He just doesn't want to loose this occasion to talk with Sungyeol. It has been a while since he last had the chance to. Or maybe all the talk they exchanged while Sungyeol was with Sujin didn't feel like real talk to him. 

"Well, you know, being with your girlfriend and shit. You always want to do good." A sigh. "Anyways, it's better that way. She was quite crazy when I think about it," he softly explains, looking at Myungsoo who nods like he understands what he is saying.

"Hungry?" Sungyeol asks as he pulls in front of his house. And yes, for the first time in a while, Myungsoo is hungry. Cherries maybe. He is sure there is still some ice cream left in the freezer.

 

"Do you remember the neighbors from down the streets?" Sungyeol asks pensively that night, as Myungsoo lies on his bedroom's floor while Sungyeol smokes at the window. "The ones who moved away like ten years ago." Myungsoo hums in agreement. Of course, he remembers. How can he forget one of the most thrilling experience of his childhood? "Sometimes I still think about him, you know, like-," He takes a deep puff on his cigarette and his voice comes out hoarser on the rest of his sentence, "How is he doing now? What does he think about us? All kind of stuff." 

"Yeah, me too, sometimes." Myungsoo confesses. He still thinks about him too. It only takes only blink of his eyes to bring Myungsoo back to seven years ago. 

He is only nine and Sungyeol is ten. Lately, Myungsoo likes to sit on the porch and read books - he learned to read just recently and he is quickly improving. Harry Potter is just about to have a wand fight with Draco Malfoy when Sungyeol suddenly barges in his porch, throwing his book away, grabbing his small shoulders and shaking him wildly. He is out of breath and his hair are stuck with sweat on his forehead. "Myungsoo! You have to come! We're goin' to spy on the 35's kid," Sungyeol stammers excitedly.

Myungsoo is too shocked to be mad at him for damaging his book. "What? Who?" 

"The neighbors! At the 35! You know, you know, they have a kid, but we never saw him so we're going to spy on him, we need you! Come on!" He pulls at Myungsoo's sleeve roughly.

"I don't want to," Myungsoo whines because it sounds like trouble, just like everything Sungyeol does. But here he is, tiptoeing on two boxes of plastic, trying to take a peek at the supposedly room of the boy. Myungsoo can't really see anything and he isn't really trying anyway because Sungyeol has his arm around his shoulders to keep his balance and keeps muttering "do you see him, do you see him, do you see anything" to his ear. Myungsoo is just about to wrap his own arm around Sungyeol's waist after minutes of hesitation when he is pulled from behind by the hem of his shirt.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young boys?!" The voice is half-angry, half-amused and the mother of the mysterious boy sends them away with a warning after requesting their apology.

"He's definitely a ghost. What would she hiding him if he wasn't? Did you see the look in her eyes, she looked like she was possessed. I'm telling you." One of the boy claims, insisting until Myungsoo and Sungyeol assure that they believe him. Sungyeol is nodding enthusiastically. Myungsoo isn't that curious - just a bit - but he is ready to do it again if Sungyeol is going to put his arm around his shoulders again.

For as far as Myungsoo remembers, it lasts all summer. Every day they try to catch a glimpse of the boy, relaying themselves to spy, elaborating the most complicated plans and the wackiest to the scariest theories their childish minds can think of. They never think of it as harassment because the boy is a ghost, the house is haunted and it all seems like a game. Plus, Sungyeol can't stop touching Myungsoo during this summer ; his hair, his shoulders, his neck.

But one day, and that day, Myungsoo remembers it really clearly. He wakes up early, as usual, runs outside to meet Sungyeol but when they arrive at the house, people are here, taking out cartons boxes and furniture. "What's happening?" Myungsoo asks Dongwoo. 

"My father said they're moving." 

And when they don't expect it, the mysterious boy comes out of the house. They are too far from the other side of the road to distinguish his exact features but Myungsoo is sure of two things. First of all, the boy is far from being a ghost because he looks like a frail child. His father is carrying him and his lack of hair tells him that he isn't the child of the devil, he is just sick. Really sick. And the second thing is that the boy is crying. Crying so loud that it is more like screaming. Myungsoo feels guilt arising inside him, stacking up in his throat, his eyes, his heart. Even Sungyeol's hand on his shoulder feels like the heaviest thing he ever bore and it is cold, so cold that Myungsoo shivers. 

"Do you think he saw us all this time?" Someone worries. "What if he's moving out because of us?" Another inquires.

This night, Myungsoo picks up his book from where it has been forgotten on the floor for the past summer and finally gets to know who won between Harry and Draco. Sungyeol sits besides him in silence that night, in his room, sometimes tucking at Myungsoo's shirt out of boredom but neither of them uttering a word. 

 

So yes, Myungsoo does remember. "Do you think he hates us?" Myungsoo asks and the question is directed to both of them.

"I would hate us if I was him." Sungyeol throws his cigarette out the window and comes to lie next to him on the floor. Their shoulders are touching and if Myungsoo bends his foot a little he can brush Sungyeol's own. The proximity and intimacy feels good after a long time. "I think a lot about the past nowadays." It sounds a bit sad and Myungsoo turns his head to look at him. He has a hand resting on his stomach and his eyes closed. 

"For me, I don't really want to think about it." Myungsoo replies and his voice is a bit lower and quieter than usual. Sungyeol's frowns a bit but doesn't open up his eyes.

"Why? Everything was easy back then-" He shifts. "Now they expect us to be responsible, to grow up or some shit." His voice has some desperation in it and it makes Myungsoo's heart aches. "All the mistakes, the mean things, the bad choices I made back then, it didn't have any consequences. I miss it." Myungsoo never heard Sungyeol speak so seriously or with so much worry in his voice before. He is the most confident person Myungsoo knows and yet, now that he is looking closely, he can tell how much he grew up. The fat on his cheek disappeared, his jawline grew stronger and sharper, he is taller than Myungsoo when he used to always be shorter when they were young and his voice is deeper and sadder than it used to be. "Do you have things you regret doing, Myungsoo-ah?" The nickname makes him flinch a bit. It feels like an eternity since Sungyeol last used it. 

"Well, I do regret spying on this kid for sure-" 

"No, I mean, like recently." Sungyeol turns his head to look at him. Their eyes meet and Myungsoo swallows hard when he becomes aware of their faces' closeness. He can feel Sungyeol's breath brushing against his forehead. 

"I regret getting drunk." Myungsoo answers with a little laugh but Sungyeol doesn't find it funny.

"You got drunk? Since when?" 

When Myungsoo takes off the bottle from his wardrobe, it is the first time Sungyeol looks so stunned. Maybe because he can't imagine his cute little brother getting drunk, on his own, in his bedroom. And even to Myungsoo it sounds pathetic, but Sungyeol doesn't scold him - not that he can when he is the one skipping class and smoking - but instead, he starts staying a little bit later each night at Myungsoo's place.

They watch TV together or sometimes they talk inside Myungsoo's room and as time goes by, Sujin's name slowly disappears from Sungyeol's lips. Myungsoo, on the contrary, can't stop thinking about Sungyeol. From the first hour of the morning he waits impatiently for the end of classes, jumping on his seat all day, unable to concentrate on any of his classes - not that he is really interested in first place but he has always been a good student. And then, when the bell signaling the end of the day rings, he runs away from school as fast as he can towards Sungyeol's car and waits until Sungyeol comes and drives them back. Sometimes, they only listen to music because Sungyeol is tired and it is fine with Myungsoo because Sungyeol's silences aren't uncomfortable, unlike his mother whose silences always bring Myungsoo to tears and make him cry with worry, just like that one time when his father hit her so much that she had to spend three days at the hospital. Since then she fell into a deep silence which never really ceased. It is always there, when she is cooking and she is getting lost in her thoughts, or when Myungsoo asks - like a few years ago - why he is the only kid in school who doesn't have a father. So Myungsoo always tries to fill the emptiness with words for her but it never really worked. It is different with Sungyeol ; his silences are always appeasing, often louder than words and Myungsoo likes it. 

And then, sometimes Myungsoo talks for the whole ride and even more when they reach home, telling him everything, about school, about his classmates, everything that crosses his mind. Sungyeol always listens with his usual calm, nodding when it is necessary, answering when Myungsoo looks for advices. And for the first time in a while, Myungsoo doesn't feel so lonely anymore.

And finally, there are the days that Myungsoo likes the best. The ones when Sungyeol talks. It isn't much at first, like he somehow forgot that they grew up together and he only comments on his teachers, on the weather, on the last soccer game, but as days go by, he starts talking more and more and more. And Myungsoo listens, trying to remember everything and staring at him with those big eyes of his with all the admiration and curiosity he has. Even though Myungsoo doesn't learn a lot of things since he already knows almost everything that ever happened in Sungyeol's life since he was born, but he is glad to hear Sungyeol telling those things to him, even the smallest and most insignificant ones.

 

That summer, Sungyeol starts his first part-time job, just like every seventeen years old high school student should do. He gets hired at the supermarket of the town to tag and arrange the products on in the shelves. Boring, Myungsoo points out but Sungyeol just shrugs, replying that at least it is well paid and he can have free ice creams.  
From this day, Myungsoo decides to wait for Sungyeol at the supermarket after school to go home with him. He doesn't really care about waiting for him because he can wander around the shop, look at the food and enjoy the air con. Plus, Sungyeol says he is glad he has someone waiting for him. Myungsoo is more than pleased to fill this spot. 

 

It is Tuesday when his math teacher twists her ankle while coming down the stairs. Myungsoo passes by at that exact moment and helps her going to the nurse who puts him in charge of telling his classmates that they are dismissed one hour earlier. Myungsoo precisely remembers clapping and cheering with the others at the announcement and then, hurrying to leave the school and running toward the market under the sun after a rushed goodbye to his friends, wetting his gray t-shirt with sweat, quivering of impatience at the idea of meeting Sungyeol one hour earlier today. He arrives a bit out of breath ; his cheeks red and his head dizzy. Sungyeol is on break, smoking a cigarette in front the store with one of his colleague, or at least it looks like it because she is wearing the green jacket uniform of the shop. Myungsoo is just about to call him, already waving and running towards him when Sungyeol raises his own hand - the one he isn't smoking with - and strokes the girl's cheek. It isn't a shocking gesture. It is a gentle and sweet one. It could have been a casual way of showing affection to a friend but it is too intimate for that. Myungsoo doesn't know much about relationships but the way Sungyeol is looking at her is the exact same way he used to look at Sojin. It can't be mistaken for friendliness. Myungsoo's words get stuck in his throat and he almost trips over his own two feet, barely catching himself before falling. His throat is dry and he doesn't understand why there is suddenly a gaping wound in his chest. 

"What happened to you?" Sungyeol laughs when he finally notices him. "You look terrible. Did you run to come here?" He adds while ruffling his hair in the friendliest way he ever did. The girl giggles, asking "Is he your little brother?" and Sungyeol nods. 

"Yeah, kind of." 

"How cute!" 

 

Beef is more expensive than calf which is more expensive than pork. This is what Myungsoo remembers from staring at the meat's shelves for so long, waiting for Sungyeol to finish his work. The air-con being too strong and him being all sweaty after running, he is sure to wake up with a cold tomorrow but today he can't bring himself to follow Sungyeol in the alleys like he used to do because the girl is still there and they are talking and they have privates jokes and Sungyeol carries the heavy water bottles for her.  
He should have noticed. He comes here every day since Sungyeol started this job. Now that he thinks about it, Sungyeol never complained about the work, he who likes everything but working. He never talked about his colleague either actually. 

Myungsoo has a bitter taste in his mouth. It is still there when he sits in the car next to him. He turns the music on, loudly, not wanting to talk and not wanting to let a chance to Sungyeol to talk either. He bites his lower lip hard, looking straight in front of him, keeping his eyes resolutely open, knowing that closing them would mean letting the tears spill. For once, he doesn't complain about the burning leather against his back and arms and the usual reassuring presence of Sungyeol has never been so frightening and uncomfortable before. When Sungyeol parks in Myungsoo's driveway, he already has his seatbelt off and the hand on the handle, ready to get away from the confined and suffocating space as quickly as he can. But he is stopped by Sungyeol's fingers closing around his wrist before he can do anything and despite the summer heat, he shivers at the touch. 

"What's wrong?" He asks and yeah, what the fuck is wrong? "Myungsoo-ah, are you crying?" The disbelief in his voice forces Myungsoo to shake his head. No, he isn't crying. He already cried too much. "What is it?" Sungyeol presses again, unsure, worried.

This time Myungsoo kisses him too hard, too strongly, too angrily, with dry and chapped lips and his hands pulling at his hair harshly as to avenge himself from all the pain he has been through. When he pulls back, Sungyeol's face is of pure shock mixed with an expression that can't be quite described, something between fear and disgust that makes Myungsoo feel sick. Myungsoo's hands slowly loosen their grip on Sungyeol's shirt and hair, all anger melting away, leaving him with nothing but wet cheeks, a pounding hard and embarrassment. It is probably what pushes Myungsoo to get off the car, to turn away and to run to his bed, and it isn't until the door is closed and he hears Sungyeol's car pulls away from the driveway that he allows himself to breath again, falling hard on the floor, loud and ugly sobs taking over him with enough strength to knock him off. He isn't sure if it is shame or love, but whatever it is, he won't be able endure it much longer. It hurts too much.

Sungyeol doesn't come to his house that day. Neither does he the days after that. 

Myungsoo doesn't cry as much as he did the first time he had been rejected - maybe because he doesn't have any more tears to spare or maybe because he already learned to live with the yawning hole in his chest.

Sungyeol's lips had felt softer and sweeter than they did the first time ; the memory haunts Myungsoo but, unfortunately, it always comes along with the vivid image of the face Sungyeol gave him after that - accusing and froze in stupor. The kiss was freed from the childish innocence Myungsoo always cultivated around Sungyeol and it only hurts more now that he kissed him with the desperation and pain of grown-up teenager.

As always, Sungyeol comes back. He is always the one who comes back when they fight or when he is annoyed with Myungsoo. Sungyeol always comes back to Myungsoo first. 

It is one week after the kiss, the longest time it took him to come back - with that time when Myungsoo broke his favorite toy because he stepped on it. It is raining that day. The sky is covered in dark clouds and it is pouring a heavy rain made of big hot raindrops that only occur in the summer. School just ended and Myungsoo's eyes wander around out of habit. Without that, he wouldn't have noticed Sungyeol's car, waiting at his usual emplacement, waiting for Myungsoo - or at least this is what he hopes for. 

He intends to ignore him as he starts walking down the streets with his bag over his head but the car moves off at that precise moment and parks next to him. The glass goes down, just enough to hear Sungyeol calls : "Get in, it's cold." A chill runs down Myungsoo's spine, making him stop in his track to look at him. He isn't sure he heard it right. Sungyeol isn't looking back at him, seated still and a bit stiffer than usual, with his hands griping the wheel as if he is trying to break it.

Myungsoo hesitates to keep playing the angry friend - like he always does whenever Sungyeol is coming to apologize - and refuse the drive but he is already drenched and cold.

His legs are weak and shaking as he walks around the car to get in.

Sungyeol doesn't look at him. He starts the engine, driving a bit quicker than it is completely necessary or even legal, only to stop brutally at the next red light, sending Myungsoo upfront, the seatbelt digging into his chest. The tremor in his hands doesn't decrease for the whole ride, the silence and Sungyeol's visible irritability making things harder. 

He parks in his own driveway this time. Unusual. When the engine dies down, leaving only the rain pouring on the car's roof and the thunder's rumbling to fill the silence, Myungsoo's breath gets caught in his chest and he grips the rough fabric off the seats to try to appease the anxiety coming with the anticipation of what Sungyeol may say. 

"Myungsoo-ah," he starts and his name sounds strange in his mouth. "Look at me," he adds quietly. Myungsoo's eyes are widely open, searching on Sungyeol's face for any hints, any clues, anything that will reassure him. "Please, don't cry," Sungyeol begs, not knowing that it is enough to bring the tears back on the verge of Myungsoo's eyes.

"I won't." He won't.

Sungyeol's hand rests on his shoulder for seconds that feel like minutes, Myungsoo waiting for him to spill the words which seem blocked in his mouth, but he doesn't. Instead, he sighs heavily and Myungsoo backs away against the door, scared, unable of judging whether Sungyeol is pissed at him or at himself. 

"Myungsoo-ah." He repeats, this time firmer, his cold fingers brushing against his nape, massaging the goose bumps forming on his sensitive skin. For a moment, he seems to look for something on Myungsoo's face, not finding it, disappointed, lowering his gaze and then coming closer, kissing him, lightly, just a push of his lips against his, both of them holding their breaths. Myungsoo kisses back, too clumsily and too desperately once again, sucking Sungyeol's lower lip until it gets swollen, not letting go, clenching his fists on Sungyeol's shirt. He doesn't know what to expect from that, he doesn't know what made Sungyeol change his mind but it doesn't matter because he wants all of this.

 

They kiss a lot after that. 

When Myungsoo comes to wait for him at the supermarket, Sungyeol kisses him softly on the mouth or behind his ear in the empty alleys or when no one is looking and Myungsoo's cheeks stay red for the rest of the day. But it is back at home where they kiss the most ; in the darkness of Myungsoo's room, in the living room while watching a movie, in the front yard after playing soccer. Sometimes it is only quick innocent kisses, on the top on Myungsoo's nose or on Sungyeol's cheek, but sometimes, when the sun is already down, Sungyeol kisses Myungsoo until he is panting, pressing his burning body against his, holding him close against his chest. 

Myungsoo never imagined kissing to be this good. Of course, he saw couples kissing before or guys bragging about kissing girls at some parties but he only realizes the pure sensitivity of his skin and the magic of it while kissing Sungyeol. Every places Sungyeol puts his mouth on make him discover new sensations, sometimes even dragging embarrassing whimpers out of him when Sungyeol lets his tongue slide against his neck or sucks at his collarbone a little too long. 

However, what Myungsoo loves the most is getting those reactions out of Sungyeol ; making him flinch by whispering a yearning "hyung" right next to his ear, having his breath stop for a few seconds to start again uneven and hissing or - and this is what he tries to get from him every day - getting him to look at him with those deep, lustful eyes of his. 

During that period, they kiss so much that it becomes kind of a routine. Myungsoo isn't blushing so much anymore when Sungyeol rests his hand low on his back or when he holds his hand and actually Myungsoo even starts to initiate those moments.

They never talk about dating and Myungsoo never asks what happened with the girl from the shop either - probably because he isn't interested in the answer. Sungyeol chose him and it is enough. 

Years later, Myungsoo would wonder what pushed Sungyeol to make his decision, to kiss him in his car that day, to start dating after that. Sungyeol never looked at Myungsoo the way he wished and yet after all these years, when Sungyeol was finally incredibly popular and could have any girls in school, he chose him - his little brother, his best friend. 

Myungsoo doesn't know what changed Sungyeol's view on him. Maybe he realized that he grew up. 

 

It all happens so fast that soon enough, they have been together for at least half of the summer.

 

One day when Sungyeol's boss sends him home early because he wants to watch the soccer game on TV with his family and also because it is one of those blistering day that doesn't bring any customers, Sungyeol surprises Myungsoo. "Let's go to my house," he offers as they are getting in the car. Myungsoo agrees of course, because Myungsoo agrees to almost everything Sungyeol suggests but also because he wants to go. 

He likes Sungyeol's house. Probably because he hasn't been there very often. He has always been curious about it. Even when they were children, Sungyeol rarely offered to go play in his house. Myungsoo learnt with years that it is mostly because he doesn't like being in his house and always tries to spent as much time out of it as he can. Besides, Myungsoo's house is convenient ; his mother isn't there often and when she is, she is as quiet as possible, loving Myungsoo too much to even disturb him. And Myungsoo always invites Sungyeol over.

When they were kids, Myungsoo always pictured Sungyeol as lucky for having both of his parents at home - the hole left by his own father never quite disappeared even with all the love and attention he received from his mother - but when he grew up he started to understand why Sungyeol always said that Myungsoo was the lucky one. For Myungsoo, growing up is about noticing things he hasn't before ; it is like suddenly learning to pay attention and that is how, one day as he was walking past Sungyeol's house he heard screams and yells he never heard before. He was still in middle school and had immediately told his mother, worried, tears on his eyes, praying that it had nothing to do with Sungyeol. His mother's reaction had been really shocking at that time, she diverted her eyes, shrugged and muttered while chewing her lips : "It has always been like this Myungsoo-ah. Don't worry, Sungyeol probably knows how to deal with it by now." 

Every day for the next six years of his life, he heard those fights every time he passed by Sungyeol's house, because once he started noticing, he couldn't stop noticing. From that day, he also stopped asking Sungyeol to invite him to his house and greeting his parents as warmly as he used to do. 

He had only brought up the subject once, four years later. "I don't really care anymore," Sungyeol had lied, "I just want to finish school and get a job really fast so I can get out of his shitty place." Myungsoo had wanted to reply "Don't leave me" but he knew he had no right to hold Sungyeol back, so he had simply nodded, like he was understanding him, like it didn't matter if Sungyeol was leaving early.

So, when Sungyeol parks in front of his house, Myungsoo doesn't know how to feel ; half-excited, half-uncomfortable. 

Sungyeol's house didn't change much over the years. The photographs of his family are still displayed on the cupboard next to the TV, they still use an old brown leather couch which Myungsoo knows has tears on the back because of their cat and a stain in the middle because Sungyeol spilled coke all over it a few years before, and even Sungyeol's childhood drawings are still hanging on the staircase's wall. 

This afternoon the house is surprisingly silent because his parents are "still at work" and "shouldn't be home until 8 p.m." Myungsoo relaxes a bit at the news, he doesn't feel like facing them. He is awkward with most people and especially the ones he doesn't like. He wants to ask Sungyeol if things got better over the years with them but he already knows nothing changed, so he just keeps quiet and follows him to his room. The only place in the whole house which doesn't look stuck in the past. Indeed, the singers and video games posters slowly left the walls to reveal the damaged and faded orange paper-paint, while the shelves which used to be full of toys and little cars are now replaced by books and CDs. Even the old games console they used to play on for hours and hours in the past disappeared to make room for a computer. Myungsoo never had any consciousness of the time passing ; things just happen and change and evolve but he is ignorant of feelings like nostalgia or time going by too fast, unfortunately, being in Sungyeol's room after all this years, he can't ignore how much they changed and grew up and he hopes - just for second - that they could go back to the time when he didn't know anything about parents yelling and leaving and Sungyeol didn't know about girls and love. Sungyeol drags him out of his thoughts by plopping down heavily on the bed. 

"Want to listen to some music?" He offers even if it isn't really a question as he already put a CD on, playing some old rock ballad that Myungsoo doesn't know.

As they lay on Sungyeol's tiny bed, watching the plain ceiling, listening to the music which is half-covered by the humming sound of the fan, Myungsoo feels good. He nuzzles a bit closer to Sungyeol's chest, brushing his nose against the milky skin of his neck and closing his eyes to enjoy the feeling of peace washing over him.

Myungsoo noticed that their kisses were more heated nowadays ; Sungyeol pushes himself against Myungsoo harder or tends to leave bruises all over his throat after sucking it too much and leaves Myungsoo with an embarrassing throbbing erection in his pants and feeling Sungyeol's one against his thigh doesn't make it better. 

But Sungyeol always stops before going to far. When he feels Myungsoo clinging a little too hard at his shirt or bucking his hips too needfully against him, he pushes him back gently and holds him close against his broad chest until their labored breathing calm down. Myungsoo likes these moments the most ; the ones when he falls asleep snuggled up against Sungyeol and wakes up with his legs wrapped around him and his nose buried in the crook of his neck. Sungyeol is always comfortable and warm and he never refuses Myungsoo's hugs. Myungsoo likes hugs a lot and more particularly Sungyeol's ones. There had been time when Sungyeol refused Myungsoo's affection - when he was around thirteen -, complaining that they weren't kids anymore and that adults weren't hugging and touching all the time but his protests ceased with time and now Myungsoo can't stop touching him.

Myungsoo also likes the moments when Sungyeol tickles him and teases him to make him squirm and laugh until he has tears in his eyes and they fall off the bed while fighting. 

But right now, it is nothing like this ; Sungyeol isn't kissing him with the eagerness they are used to. He is simply mouthing his lips lightly, sucking them too carefully to Myungsoo's likeness. 

Sungyeol's hand is resting on his thigh, gripping it, massaging it slightly. This time when Myungsoo starts to feel too hot to contain himself and rubs his hips against Sungyeol's, he doesn't put a stop to it. No, instead he runs his hand higher up his thigh until it is covering Myungsoo's crotch and strokes it a bit. Myungsoo's eyes widen in surprise and he lets out a strangled moan that Sungyeol swallows with another kiss. He never felt something like this before and he isn't sure he will be able to take it.

Myungsoo is shaking and Sungyeol mutters reassuring words in his ear the whole time. He slowly, carefully, opens his pants and lets them slide along his legs. His underwear is already wet with precum - Myungsoo is awfully embarrassed when he realizes how aroused he is - but Sungyeol blinks a few time and letting out a shaky breath, he whispers to him that he has never seen anything so hot in his life. 

It doesn't take long for him to come ; two or three tugs of Sungyeol's warm hand and he is sweating, his muscles clenching all over his body and his toes curling. He comes hard - harder than he ever did - all over his stomach and Sungyeol's hand.

Sungyeol cleans him up, puts his pants back up and then takes him in his arms to cuddle him, letting him snuggle on his chest until he comes down from his orgasm and stops trembling. 

Myungsoo can feel Sungyeol's hard-on against his hip but he doesn't ask him to help him release it, he tells him that he is okay, that they have all the time they need and even more. And Myungsoo believes him.

Myungsoo wakes up a few hours later, with Sungyeol tracing patters on his naked back with his fingers, the sun already red and setting behind the window. "You should go home," Sungyeol mumbles against his skin but none of them move. Myungsoo is sleepy and if Sungyeol didn't mention his parents coming home soon, he would have never left Sungyeol's bed. 

 

It takes a while for Myungsoo to find the courage to finally return the favor to Sungyeol. The next few weeks they spend, Sungyeol gives him the best handjobs of his life every time he has the chance. Every nights, in Myungsoo's room, even sometimes in the morning right after they go out of the shower. There has also been that one time when they sneaked out to the old scrapyard at the edge of the city. Myungsoo always fantasized about this place because people used to say that it is where bad guys are going to get things down with girls or to do drugs. He talks about it with Sungyeol one day and Sungyeol just laughs at him, explaining that he already went there once and it is just a nice and quiet place and he hasn't seen any gangsters around. They go the next day and Myungsoo is jumping excitedly in his seat. 

Sungyeol parks next to some abandoned cars, in front of the impressive mountain of scrap. It is almost the end of the afternoon and they are the only ones here. They stay for a bit, sharing a cigarette, chatting, enjoying the last sunlights of the day. Until Sungyeol decides to press wet kisses next to Myungsoo's ear, licking burning stripes down his neck, ignoring Myungsoo's protests warning him that someone might see them, he opens his pants and squeezing him roughly, he jerks him off to orgasm. 

It is still one of the hottest memories Myungsoo keeps. Years after he still trembles thinking of Sungyeol's lustful eyes, his skilled hand imposing him a torturously quick pace and the thrilling sensation that someone might just come in and park right next to them and see Myungsoo squirming in his seat and moaning Sungyeol's name. 

And finally one day, when they are laying lazily on his bed, Sungyeol trailing butterflies kisses along his cheek, Myungsoo gathers the courage to touch him. It is a bit scary at first, worrying that he may not be able to do as good as Sungyeol does to him. He slips his hand in Sungyeol's pants, maybe too fast, without really thinking and Sungyeol grabs his wrist, letting out a strangling moan and assuring him that he doesn't have to, that he can wait. Myungsoo just shakes his head, replying that he really wants to do it, and focusing of Sungyeol's reactions, he wraps his fingers around his cock. It is throbbing and pulsating against his palm and it feels way bigger in his hand than it appeared from the outside. Sungyeol's eyes flutters close and still gripping Myungsoo's wrist he guides him through the speed he likes. He doesn't last that long and seeing Sungyeol bite his lip to repress his rapid breathing menacing to turn into moans is almost too much for Myungsoo. Sungyeol's dark and needy eyes are looking right through his soul and if it isn't for the obvious desire he has for him, Myungsoo would have think he was confessing to him with his eyes right now. Sungyeol comes with a hitching breath that will soon become Myungsoo's favorite sound and be buried in his memory for years after that. 

It starts like that, with Myungsoo being all innocent and scared but soon it turns into rushed kisses and sloppy blowjobs and long summer afternoons in the course of which Myungsoo can't even remember his own name. Sungyeol is always patient, never pressing, always trying to please Myungsoo before himself, always complimenting him for whatever he is doing. And Myungsoo slowly learns about Sungyeol's body, what he likes, what makes him moan really loudly, the spots where when rightly stimulated will make him come too fast. He learns everything. He touches and loves every parts of Sungyeol. He touches him so much that he becomes able to trace his curves and forms with eyes closed. 

 

The first time they have sex, it is one of those afternoon when Sungyeol doesn't have to work. They drive around the town for a bit and then - because it is hot - decide to go back to Myungsoo's place. His mother isn't there and the house is, as usually, quiet and empty. They eat cherries and ice cream and go directly to his room. Myungsoo doesn't really think about it but soon they are half naked on his bed, one of Sungyeol's hand pulling roughly at his cock and the other stroking his backside.

"M-Myungsoo-ah," Sungyeol had stuttered and Sungyeol never stuttered before. "Can I-Can I-" He didn't seem to be able to form any coherent setences so instead he pressed one of his fingers against Myungsoo's entrance and Myungsoo gasped for air, toes curling and fists clenching at Sungyeol's shirt. 

"Ye-Yeah," and it sounds more like a beg because Myungsoo really wants it. He has imagined it thousand of times, trying to picture what it will feel like to have Sungyeol making love to him but it was nothing like reality - it is more intense and maybe scarier in a way.

Sungyeol uses lube, lots of lube because he doesn't want to hurt him and strokes his hair the whole time, telling him to relax, that it is fine, that he is here. He is two fingers deep and they are fully naked by the time he finds Myungsoo's prostate. He only brushes against it slightly but it is enough for Myungsoo to whine loudly and to press down onto Sungyeol's hand. "Do it again, do it again," He pleads and when Sungyeol finds it again he sees white and his cock is already twitching and leaking on his stomach. Sungyeol is looking at him with dilated pupils and an admiration Myungsoo never thought he would see one day in his eyes.

Sungyeol is sucking him off when he finally pushes the third finger in. Myungsoo is way too far gone into pleasure to even wince at the discomfort. His walls clench around Sungyeol's fingers as to take them further in and Sungyeol is going painfully slow, repeating that he doesn't want to hurt him, that they shouldn't hurry. He kisses Myungsoo the whole time, and when Myungsoo isn't able to kiss anymore as his mouth falls open, he kisses his cheek, his jaw, his neck, every piece of skin he has access to.

He pushes himself inside even slower, so slow that Myungsoo is whimpering and begging him to go quicker. But he also feels the slight pain on his backside as Sungyeol is much bigger than his fingers and he has never been stretched that much before. But it is Sungyeol and it is fine.

He kisses him on the nose, on the cheeks. He even brushed the hair coated in sweat from his forehead ; he does everything he can to make him forget about the pain and Myungsoo is both scared and thankful.

When he is fully settled inside, all thick and throbbing, he lets out a shaky breath and moans - louder than Myungsoo ever heard him - right next to his ear. 

"Myungsoo-ah, you're so tight," he mutters, voice hoarse and cracking and Myungsoo can feel him concentrating to try to push away the orgasm rising inside him. 

It is Myungsoo who starts rolling his hips slightly as he begins to feel accommodated to the sensation.

Sungyeol never stops looking at him straight in the eyes. Even when he folds one of Myungsoo's leg on his chest to have a better access and increases his pace significantly, he never breaks the eye-contact as if he is scared he will loose him if he does. 

Sungyeol is going deeper with each thrust and Myungsoo is slowly loosing his sanity. He is slick with sweat and his vision is blurry. He knows he won't be able to take it for much longer. 

Myungsoo is close, so fucking close that he can feel himself clenching around Sungyeol and his whole body is already shaking under the powerful upcoming orgasm. Sungyeol only has to pull at his cock a few times before he is releasing between their sweaty bodies and almost screaming. "Hyung, hyung, hyung," he whines as Sungyeol draws out the last spurts of cum out of him. It is nothing like climaxing with a handjob or a blowjob ; the pleasure spreads through his pelvis, from his stomach to his thighs, making him arch off the bed and his heart racing and pounding loudly in his chest. Sungyeol comes almost at the same time, his pace becoming erratic until he sinks deeper with one last thrust and collapses over him right after, all strength suddenly leaving his body. "Fuck," he swears and Sungyeol rarely swears. 

It is so good, somehow so perfect that Myungsoo doesn't think he will ever be so contented again. He wants to say those tree words to Sungyeol, because he really means it, but they seem stuck in his throat and he thinks he is going to have another opportunity to anyway. 

 

Summer goes by, taking with him the sun and the faint taste of ice cream on Sungyeol's lips and gives way to autumn which brings wind and love.

Love so strong that it makes him suffocate. He can't even think about anything else, about anyone else but Sungyeol. He can't put words on his feelings yet even though he knows exactly what it is. It isn't like the things he sees on TV or the kind of fantasized love people talk about, no, it is real, so real that it hurts. It is Sungyeol, his long body, his quiet voice, his white hands smelling like cigarettes. It is the way he looks at him. It is everything. Even the moments when they do nothing but lie down and sleep on lazy weekends and Myungsoo wakes up with his head resting on Sungyeol's chest, he likes them. And all of that is enough to be satisfied, to be happy. 

There is no slow-motion hugs but rough and eager ones, no long speech about love but a hand resting a little longer on a cheek or a pressure in his chest disappearing when they finally meet after a long day at school, no beautifully expressed orgasms but Sungyeol's contorting face and open mouthed silent moan. It isn't anything Myungsoo had expected but it is perfect in its one way. Myungsoo stops thinking about happiness for the first time in his life. He used to always wonder how it will feel like to be happy. What is it like to happy anyway? because he doesn't know any happy people, even his mother can't hide the suffering wrinkles that appeared in the corner of his eyes over the years. But during that time he doesn't think once about seeking happiness, because he has it and people doesn't think about the things they have, they take it for granted. Later on, Myungsoo will say that Sungyeol took all the place in his brain, leaving no room to other things, but in reality, it is maybe that he chose it, to put Sungyeol in such a special place in his heart. Sungyeol brings him happiness and frivolity. And Sungyeol is Sungyeol. He has always been here for Myungsoo. 

 

The year goes by so fast that it is like summer never really left Myungsoo. One day he has to go to school only with a t-shirt on because it is hot and when he comes home, his mother bought ice-cream and cherries.


	2. Chapter 2

**II.**

 

 

He is nice, somehow cute, not really handsome but he has a better car than Sungyeol and the latter seems interested. Myungsoo doesn't really notice him at first because he hardly notices anyone else than Sungyeol anyway. But he is here.

At first he talks to Sungyeol after class while Myungsoo waits in the car. It isn't a big deal. Myungsoo doesn't mind waiting. He is actually quite proud ; Sungyeol has always been better than him at making friends. He loves the fact that Sungyeol has lots of friends to hang out with. 

Then, one day, Sungyeol says he can't stay at Myungsoo's place because he wants to go play basketball with a friend. This is fine too. Myungsoo doesn't really like basketball and staying alone one evening isn't much. He can read, he can do his homework. It isn't the same as doing these things with Sungyeol, but he can manage. For one day. He tells Sungyeol to enjoy himself and not to worry about him.

The problem is that Sungyeol never really came back to Myungsoo's home after that. Sure he still drives them back from school and spends time with him during the weekends, kisses him on the cheek to wake him up, ruffles his hair, pokes his sides when he is bored, but it isn't the same. He stops staying as long as he used to, on the pretext that he has to meet friends, that he has homework, that he wants to play basketball ; sometimes he doesn't even enter Myungsoo's house, only dropping him in the front yard with a quick kiss on the lips before driving away at full speed. Myungsoo is alone again. It doesn't feel lonely at first. He knows he can call Sungyeol if he feels lonely, tells him "hyung, please come over" and Sungyeol will come immediately and cuddle him for the rest of the night. And for that, Myungsoo is glad. He knows that Sungyeol cares about him. It all happens too fast that Myungsoo doesn't realize he is being left alone again until he finds himself spending three evenings in a row on his own, in his room, while Sungyeol is out playing basketball.

 

Just like that, before Myungsoo can even notice he is loosing him, Sungyeol isn't answering his phone as quickly as he used to and when he does, it is to hang up pretty fast after telling him "later Myungsoo-ah, I'm busy". It hurts a bit more every time it happens. 

They still have sex but when Sungyeol used to stare at Myungsoo with a manifest admiration and kiss him languidly, always careful to ask if he likes it, now he buries his head in his shoulder - as if he doesn't want to acknowledge it is him he is with - and fuck him at an erratic, almost brutal pace, not caring anymore if Myungsoo's moans are from pain or pleasure until he comes with a sharp exhale of breath, panting against his cheek and then pulls out, cleans up and leaves. Leaving Myungsoo alone again. Leaving him dealing with something he can't understand and can't control ; Sungyeol growing farther apart from him.  
It comes to a point when Myungsoo only has sex left to keep Sungyeol interested. He allows him to do everything. Everything so he will stay with him a little longer. Myungsoo doesn't even orgasm anymore when they are together now. He doesn't mind. He just closes his eyes until Sungyeol is done, repeating in his head that he is alright, that he can take it. He contents himself with the little things Sungyeol allows him to have. There is nothing romantic about it anymore. It doesn't matter if Sungyeol doesn't want to please anymore. He can endure it. He just can't bear watching Sungyeol leaving him every time and knowing that he won't come back for a while, pretending to be busy, answering always too late. Usually, after they are done and Sungyeol is almost fully dressed, Myungsoo grabs his hand to stop him from leaving, drops to his knees, fumbles to open his pants and suck him off, taking as much of him as he can in his mouth even if it usually brings tears to his eyes and swallows everything in the end. But even with that ; those desperate attempts to keep him with him a little longer, Sungyeol eventually leaves again and the ache in his chest is always more painful than the one on his jaw. 

Myungsoo endures it because they grew up together and Sungyeol has always been there for him. He can't give up on him ; he has no one else and he never dreamed of anyone else. Myungsoo can't imagine his life without Sungyeol. When Myungsoo broke his arm while he was playing with the other kids in the street, Sungyeol was the one who patted his back and wiped his tears. When he failed a test in middle school and the teacher humiliated him, Sungyeol was here to hold his hand and tell him this teacher was stupid and that he should be stronger.   
Even when dating someone else, even when Sungyeol isn't playing with him, he has always been right next to him. So Myungsoo never really believed that one day Sungyeol wouldn't be there. He can't even bring himself to think about Sungyeol breaking up with him. It isn't possible. Myungsoo wouldn't take it. He will suffer as long as Sungyeol wishes to make him suffer but he will never survive in a world where Sungyeol isn't there next to him. Because Sungyeol is the only one who makes something in his guts twist with warmth, the only one who makes him care.

 

It is a cold evening for a summer day. A chill breeze is filling the air, not cold enough to make Myungsoo shiver but just enough to make him put his hand in his pockets and higher up his shoulders. At first, he doesn't really intent to go to the basketball court. Not really. He is just walking outside because his room felt suffocating and his mother's worries even more. He went out to smoke also - a bad habit he took from Sungyeol or maybe just because he missed the taste of cigarettes on his lips. Anyways, he just goes out to walk a bit around the town, to take some time to gather his thoughts. He is thinking about Sungyeol, about school too, about the fact that he hopes Sungyeol will invite him to go to prom with him but he isn't really sure he will. He actually fantasized a bit about it, going to prom. He had imagined walking beside him, letting everyone know that they are together, maybe dancing a bit, kissing a lot, maybe finally confessing the feelings they never got the courage too, but now he simply hopes Sungyeol will stay with him a bit more, that he will stop thinking about something else all the time when they are together or cutting Myungsoo's in the middle of a sentence because he has to go, acting like he wishes the time would pass quicker when they are together, jumping on his feet like he can't wait for the moment he can finally run away from him.

 

It isn't even a real basketball court. It is a plain concrete ground where someone, one day, decided to put a basketball basket and made it into a basketball court. 

Only one of the three street lights surroundings the court is working. Only one and yet it is enough to expose something Myungsoo wishes he never saw. 

He recognizes Sungyeol's back at first sight, even from that far away - Sungyeol is always the first one he spots in a crowd, the way he walks, the line of his body, the messy dark hair, he knows everything by heart. So Myungsoo notices him right away, sitting under the street light on the ground, wearing his worn out sleeveless blue t-shirt, holding the red ball between his hands and talking to someone. 

It is him. Sungyeol's new friend. Well, not really new friend anymore. Myungsoo can't see Sungyeol's face from where he is but he has a clear view of the guy's face. He looks okay. He has a joyful face, shinning eyes and plump lips. 

It is fine, Myungsoo thinks. Sungyeol is playing basketball with a friend. Maybe if he asks him, they will allow him to watch them a bit tonight and then go home. It is fine until the guy leans forward and kisses Sungyeol who doesn't push him back but presses harder against him, resting his hand on the guy thigh. He even lets him pass a hand through his hair. When they pull out, they don't appear guilty or scared of being caught. No, they are laughing and smiling and giggling and then it hits Myungsoo ; it isn't the first time they kiss. It can't be. They are way too intimate, too close to each other for it. This kiss feels too much like a natural thing. 

Myungsoo stays there longer than he intends to ; frozen, his eyes glued on the two boys in front of him. They don't notice even him at first. They keep playing basketball, hitting each other playfully, laughing, laughing a lot. Maybe this is what Sungyeol misses with Myungsoo ; Myungsoo isn't funny. 

Myungsoo wishes he had the strength to turn away and forgot what he just saw, but unfortunately his legs are shaking as they walk on their own will towards the basketball court, only stopping when it is too late, when Sungyeol turns around and acknowledges his presence, surprise rushing over his face and then, finally, guilt. But it is too late for guilt now. 

"Hyung," Myungsoo whines, bewildered, hoping that Sungyeol will come and hug him and tell it is just a bad nightmare. But it is real. Too real and the tears are already rolling down his cheeks as he tries suppress the loud sobs menacing to break through. 

Sungyeol comes closer, bringing a shaking hand to his face. "Myungsoo-ah, what are you doing here?" But Myungsoo only sees the other guy, looking at them uncomfortably, chewing his lips, probably hoping that he won't throw a fit. "What did you see, Myungsoo-ah?" Sungyeol repeats, worry evident in his voice and this time his fingers brushing against his jaw. It burns.

"Hyung," he cries and for a moment he wishes he could act like he doesn't care. "Please don't leave me," Myungsoo begs, gripping Sungyeol's shirt with his two fists, looking pathetic, he knows it and yet he will do anything to keep him with him. 

"I'm sorry." It isn't above a whisper. Sungyeol is surprisingly calm and contained. He puts his hands above Myungsoo's ones and slowly undo his hold on his shirt. "I'm so sorry, Myungsoo-ah," He says again but it sounds like a curse in Myungsoo's ears. 

"Hyung," This time the cries turn into pleas of despair ; horror flushing through Myungsoo's eyes as he slowly understands that Sungyeol is really leaving him, that Sungyeol found someone else. 

"I'm sorry, Myungsoo-ah. I should have told you. I didn't plan you to find out that way," His hands cup his head now. "Go home for now, okay? I'll come see you later, okay?" Later? Myungsoo wants to scream. The pain is too strong that he isn't sure he will even be able to walk. It can't be real ; Sungyeol's attitude and disinterest during the past few months weren't because of him, they were because he met someone. Someone he prefers. Someone funny who plays basketball with him.

"I-I don't want to see you ever again." It is a childish thing to say. Myungsoo will regrets saying it for a long time, that his last words to Sungyeol are such pathetic ones when he wants to yell at him, hit him and hurt him as much as he is hurting right now. 

 

Myungsoo runs. As fast as he can. Away from this, away from the boy feeling uncomfortable and away from Sungyeol's guilt. It is the worst, Sungyeol's guilt. It makes him feel pitied and shameful and he hates Sungyeol for being the one who makes him miserable.

 

When Myungsoo reaches his house, he locks himself in his room and doesn't come out for one full year.

 

Sungyeol calls of course, comes even, every day at first, the guilt probably making him come back until he will receive Myungsoo's forgiveness or maybe give him some explanations, but Myungsoo doesn't want to hear them. He doesn't want to see Sungyeol, he doesn't even want to move. He learns that if he lays long enough in his bed - without doing anything, trying to empty his mind -, he falls into a half-awake, half-asleep state and those are the moments when the pain is the most bearable. So when Sungyeol comes, he asks his mother to find excuses, to tell him that he is busy, studying, eating, taking a shower when, in reality, he is really just laying motionless in bed. At first he hears him speak faintly with his mother in the living-room, never really catching a word, until one day when he hears him shout, coming closer to the stairs, his mother shouting back, menacing to call the police, and then the door banging. Eventually, Sungyeol stops coming. 

Isolating himself from society by being confined in his room isn't something Myungsoo thought he would ever do but leaving his room soon becomes the scariest and hardest thing ever. Thinking about coming down the stairs is enough to make him shake and cry in fear. Before, he had Sungyeol waiting for him outside but now that he disappeared, he doesn't have anything left worth trying to socialize. Myungsoo always knew that he never really fitted in society ; he couldn't meet the expectations they had with him and neither was he good with social relationships. During the parents' meeting day at school, the teachers would always look at his mother with saddening eyes while telling her how much of a fragile and shy kid Myungsoo was and how brave she was for taking care of him alone. That's probably why his mother doesn't say anything when Myungsoo closes the door of his room and refuses to open it again. Of course he comes out to shower and to go to the toilets when his mother isn't home but this is it. And it is already too much. Every step is painful enough. His existence itself is painful enough. Sometimes his mother sits against his door and talks to him. During those times, the sound of her voice makes his tremble with anxiety and guilt and at least he is glad he can't see her hurtful and disappointed face because all Myungsoo ever does - when she needs someone strong to support her - is disappoint her by being weak and pitiful.

Every Saturday she leaves the photocopied week courses in front of his door. Myungsoo never asks how she got someone to share their notes with her but he is thankful. It gives him something to read ; something totally unrelated to Sungyeol. It is enough to distract him for a few hours.

For Myungsoo, love has always been about making his things he thinks are beautiful. Love has always been related to beauty. Not the kind of shallow beauty people use to describe random things that are nothing but beautiful. No, Myungsoo loves the real beauty ; the pure beauty of bodies which leads him to like the beauty for itself as it is exalted in mankind. Love is all about discovering the beauty itself in Sungyeol. And it happened ; he saw it. Maybe too fast, maybe too violently. And now, when he sees Sungyeol, he doesn't see him for what he really is, he sees how beautiful he really is and how much he loves having him next to him, how much he needs him. When they have sex, it isn't just having sex, it is sharing something so strong that Myungsoo can't even find the words to explain it. 

 

Sungyeol is gone.

The realization hits him one night and he cries so much that even the loudness of his sobs can't make up for the suffocating silence and emptiness surrounding him. The blankets are cold against his skin that night despite the heater turns on to the maximum. Years after, Myungsoo still believes that this coldness never really left him - it is always somewhere deep inside, sometimes arising to the surface of his body, creeping through his veins and tickling his skin until it turns chill. 

 

Myungsoo becomes slowly aware that he doesn't miss the outside world that much. Actually, as time goes by, he almost forgets about its existence ; he can't remember clearly what it feels like to walk outside, to have the sunlights prickling his skin, or even how it is like to speak to people. He doesn't miss it once and when sometimes, his mind lets him have a break and averts from Sungyeol for a few minutes, he catches himself thinking that he might be cured. Cured from the pain he is feeling. Unfortunately, Sungyeol never really leaves him. Myungsoo should have expected it. He is always coming back. Often staying with him during long nights, sometimes leaving for a full day, but the most important thing is that the pain in Myungsoo's chest doesn't decrease. It just stays as bitter and as painful as it was on the first day. 

Myungsoo simply learns to live with it. 

 

When Myungsoo comes out of his room it isn't that he planned it or that he finally found the courage to face the outside world. He is thirsty and his mother forgot to leave him water before going to work. He takes the three steps needed to go to the bathroom, wanting to satiate his thirst with the tap water as he always does but when he opens the door - a bit too quickly, with too much confidence - his eyes immediately squint because of the bright light. His mother left the forever-closed window open, a most likely unintended and regrettable oversight, and yet it is enough for Myungsoo to feel his legs give up on him and fall on the cold white floor of the bathroom. 

It is already summer but the sun isn't that strong and the sky that blue. Only soft and thin sun rays get through the small window and yet when Myungsoo extends, shyly, tentatively, his hand, they feel like fire against his skin. It has been so long since he last saw this kind of pure and breathtaking light.

There is something reassuring and appeasing at seeing that nothing changed in one year. Maybe the trees grew taller and the neighbor on the right got rid of his red car, but the houses and the streets are still the same. Everything just keeps going, following to the exact same path they always do. Only Myungsoo disappeared for a little while.

As he is here again, he comes to think that himself probably didn't change that much. His clothes are shorter than they used to be - he grew taller - and his hair a bit longer but besides that - for everyone else - he probably still looks like Kim Myungsoo, that weird kid Kim Myungsoo who lived in the white and blue house down the street his whole life.

Later, Myungsoo learns that something did change during that time. People start telling him that his smile lost a bit of his brightness, his plump cheek are now the flat ones of a grow-up and more importantly, he left the last bits of his innocence back in his room. 

He is living in a small town - quiet and dead all year long -, nothing really happened here before and won't ever happen probably. There isn't any alluring future for the youth either. It isn't surprising that the people and the surroundings didn't change that much ; they will probably stay the same for the next fifty years too but it is both sad and frustrating for Myungsoo. 

 

Catching up on what he missed takes him exactly one day. One day when he goes back to school to pass the exit exams he needs to, to be able to graduate. There, he learns that besides the long and boring hours of class he didn't miss much. They tell him that he has to choose an university and a subject for the following year. Art and design is the first one on the list.

That day, Myungsoo realizes - when he is asked to write his birthday's date on the exams papers - that he already turned 18 and didn't notice it. He was barely seventeen when Sungyeol left. 

 

It means that Sungyeol is nineteen now. He isn't really curious at first ; about what he is doing nowadays, but when he passes by his house that afternoon, coming back from school and bumps into his mother, he can't help but stop and ask.

"Omo, Myungsoo! It's been so long! What have you been up to these days?" She exclaims, pinching his cheek, before backing off when Myungsoo flinches at the touch. "Did you take your exams well?" Myungsoo answers politely, waiting for the proper moment to get the answer to the question he wants to ask so bad. 

"Oh, Sungyeol?" She repeats, surprised, just like she forgot for a moment that she has a son. "Ah, yes, you guys were good friends, right?" Yeah, good friends. "Did you lost contact?" Yeah, kind of. We've been both busy. "He's studying engineering at University." So unlike Sungyeol, Myungsoo notes with a frown. He stops listening to whatever she is saying after that.

How is he doing? Does he have new friends? Why did he chose this course? Does he still think about him sometimes? Is he still with the guy from the basketball court? 

This questions fill Myungsoo's mind as he walks back to his house and for once he is glad the sun is hot enough to make him dizzy and help him emptying his mind. 

"Myungsoo-ah, I bought cherries," His mother announces happily as soon as he opens the door. Since he came out of his room, she has never been so excited. Myungsoo can tell she tries to smile as much as possible to show him how happy she is that he finally decided to go on with his life. "Did your exams went well?" She can't hide the anxiety in her voice, probably worried that a failure will send Myungsoo back to his room. 

"Hm, it was okay, don't worry," He answers, even though both of them know that she won't stop worrying so easily. It is just how she is. "I'm studying Art and Design next year," he adds, his mouth already stuffed with the juicy cherries. 

"That's great!" The tremor in her voice betraying how proud and teary she really is. She probably waited for that moment for a long time.

"I brought the paperwork back. We have to fill them as soon as we can," Myungsoo notifies her, wiping his stingy fingers to take them out of his bag. 

That day, Myungsoo eats so much cherries that he gets sick. After that, he decides to never eat it ever again ; it doesn't matter how much he likes it. It reminds him of Sungyeol too much anyway. 

 

 

**III.**

 

 

It takes Myungsoo three years to come back to his mother's house. It isn't that he doesn't want to but he is busy with college and with everything in his life and he somehow forgets about what it feels like to be home. Or more like, he doesn't want to be reminded. Not that he likes college that much ; he isn't really good and he did not succeed in making friends over the years - only some acquaintances - but he doesn't really try hard anyway. He lives in a dorm and despite the unceasing noises and parties thrown every day, he likes it ; this way he can't stay locked in his room for too long. And for once people having all around him all the time doesn't bother him. He enjoys the continuous presence more than the loneliness.

Art is more interesting than he first thought. Not as interesting as literature but interesting enough to keep him awake drawing and painting at night. His teachers praise him, assuring him he has talent and since it is the first in his life somebody ever tells him something like this, Myungsoo is proud. At first, his hands are shaking too much to draw correctly and he is too shy to even produce anything but over the years he learns how to control himself, how to focus on what he is doing. The moments when he is drawing turn to be the most peaceful ones of his existence ; he can spend hours staring at the lines appearing under his pens and brushes without thinking about anything else. He used to be always tensed and worried in society but when he is immersed in his work, he is calmer than he has ever been. 

So, just like this, when his mother calls - at first twice a day - he can tell her without lying too much that he is fine, that he is enjoying himself and not to worry. He almost convinces himself of it. 

Not going back to his mother's house makes things easier ; he doesn't have to confront his memories. Of course, sometimes - often -, Sungyeol's face pops up in his mind and on those day he is unable to draw anything and stays helpless in front of his white sheets. Sometimes also, less frequently, it is his mother's face. The face she gave him when he left home three years ago ; tears dropping down her cheeks and trying to hide her sad and worried expression. Myungsoo always feels guilty for leaving her alone. He can picture her walking around the large empty house, eating dinner all alone and sleeping the whole day on week-ends. The worst part it is that he stops calling her that often and it becomes just some texts exchanged about how they are both doing. It is always the same : Myungsoo confirming that he is doing fine and his mother telling him to take good care of himself and to come home soon. The truth is that Myungsoo doesn't really want to come home, especially because all the memories are still so vivid in his mind such as the pain in his chest.

During long nights, when he doesn't have any inspiration to draw, Myungsoo allows his thoughts to flow back to his hometown, to his neighborhood, to Sungyeol. What is he doing now? Is he fine? Did he already forget about him? And sometimes, when the nights are particularly dark, he wonders if Sungyeol met someone else or if he is still with the boy from the basketball court, or even a girl, if he had sex with many persons after him, how many exactly?

Myungsoo hasn't. Not that he couldn't ; after a few years he learned to look at other men, even sometimes finding some of them attractive or sexy, but it is nothing like looking at Sungyeol. Myungsoo still jerks off to the memories of the sensations of Sungyeol's skin under his fingers, of the sharp intake of breath he used to let out when he came and even sometimes, he pictures how Sungyeol's body could have changed over the year. He, himself, grew up a bit taller, grew some muscles, cut his hair shorter, lost his baby face. He wonders if Sungyeol still looks the same ; he is pretty sure that he kept the same deep eyes, but his shoulders must be broader and his voice deeper. This kind of image are usually enough to make him come hard on his hand. 

 

There is no one like Sungyeol on this planet but there has been someone else in Myungsoo's life since Sungyeol. Someone very different from Sungyeol.

It starts out quite casually ; suddenly, one day, the University informs him that they wants to renovate the left part of the dorm. The next day they install another bed in his room and two hours after he has a new roommate. A cute boy with messy hair and lots of luggage who drops on the bed as soon as he arrives and only gets up the next morning. Myungsoo feels uneasy at first. The last time he has been so close to someone and shared the same space it was with Sungyeol. Myungsoo finds himself being scared of the boy, unable to sleep well at night as he hears him breath too close to him, waking up extra early so he can shower before he wakes up, trying not to look when he changes his clothes shamelessly in the middle of the room. Everything is awkward at first. But then, Myungsoo learns to live with it. Especially because the guy doesn't seem to care that much about him and this way never makes him feel out of place or uncomfortable. He says "hi" when he comes back home - usually late -, asks Myungsoo if he wants ramen when he makes some, and even takes care of his laundry when needed. It isn't much, it is actual the minimum a roommate should do but it is more than enough for Myungsoo and he ends up even liking it. Now, when he works really late at night, he doesn't feel too lonely. When he wakes up in a jump because of a nightmare, there is the guy's regular breathing to calm him down. When he lacks inspiration or feels like shit about his drawings, his roommate pats him on the back and says "I like it". Yeah, it is absolutely comforting for Myungsoo and he enjoys it. The guy slowly stops being scary and becomes a part of his life. He can even brag to his mother about his new roommate who is majoring in Literature - he doesn't really know what his major is since he never asked but the guy is always reading books so he assumes he is studying Literature -, and it sounds good to have a roommate doing Literature anyway. 

Myungsoo feels more than satisfied with this situation. It has been a long time since he spent so many hours with another human being and yet the never too burdensome presence of his roommate makes it easier than he ever thought it will be to have a social life again. Of course, he isn't Sungyeol. He isn't even close from being Sungyeol, but he is okay. He isn't scary nor he is loud and he doesn't judge Myungsoo for being a social weirdo. It is more than every other students he met since he came to University.

Myungsoo starts believing that this situation will last for a long time. It is so perfectly fine that he can't see why it would change or what could make it change. But he is wrong. He is wrong because his roommate himself makes it change, in a way Myungsoo wishes it hadn't.

It isn't much at first ; he just comes home drunk one night. It is Saturday night and it is what every college student are supposed to do. Except Myungsoo. Myungsoo likes to drink on his own in his room but never tried to go to any parties. He is pretty sure he won't like it. At first, he doesn't mind his roommate coming home drunk. He even guides him to his bed, makes sure he isn't feeling sick, and goes back to sleep after offering him a glass of water. He thinks it will end here. It doesn't. His roommate shifts in his bed for a while, whines a bit and then starts speaking. "W-why-" He talks gibberish, "Why don't you come to the college parties? I mean, y-you don't like getting drunk?" It is the usual speech he always hears from drunk people ; wondering why everyone isn't drunk with them. The question still makes Myungsoo a bit uncomfortable as his roommate probably noticed that he doesn't have any friends nor any interest in social relationships. 

"No, it's not that." Myungsoo answers and the darkness of the room makes it easier to speak. "I rather drink on my own." He tries to sound firm to avoid sounding pathetic, "I'm not so much into parties and stuff like that." 

"Oh, I see," He replies like he is really trying to understand. "It's kind of sad." It is more a statement than a judgment but it is the truth. It hurts. 

"Yeah, I guess so." Memories of Sungyeol coming to his house, taking the alcohol bottles away flashes through his mind. It has been a long time since he had such clear memories of Sungyeol ; it is usually an overall feeling of sadness, sometimes his voice or his face in his mind but never such vivid images. A lump forms in his throat and he tries to swallow it.

"Let's drink together next time. It'll be less sad." His roommate suggests and it isn't a question. Myungsoo wishes he could refuse but he doesn't get a chance as the guy's breathing is already steady and deep, meaning that he probably already sunk into Morpheus' arms.

Myungsoo doesn't believe he is going to actually keep his promise, but one week later, at 10 p.m., he enters the dorm with a white plastic bag from which he proudly pulls out a bottle of tequila. Myungsoo is stunned ; not sure if he should say thanks or refuse right away. He has always been so nice to him so he just smiles and takes out the glasses from his drawer.

They sit on the floor, in the narrow space between their two beds and his roommate eagerly opens the bottle. 

Two shots, four shots, six shots. Myungsoo looses count after a while.

His roommate is doing all the talking, telling him about how much he hates his studies - Law from what Myungsoo understands -, complaining about his little brother who isn't doing well in school and makes his parents worry, even about his previous girlfriend who dumped him six months ago. It is nice listening to him. He isn't boring or demanding for Myungsoo to answer, he can just listen and he likes it. It has also been a while since Myungsoo has been drunk and he is enjoying the light buzz in his head.

It would have been great if it ended up like this. Actually, it would have been Myungsoo's best social experience if it had ended like this, just with being friends. But it doesn't. 

Myungsoo can't really remember how it happens. He is lying on his back, still on the floor, too dizzy to stand up, not really paying attention anymore to whatever his roommate is saying, closing his eyes to enjoy the haziness of his brain when suddenly he feels something wet and warm press against his lips. It isn't unpleasant but it isn't good either. It takes him a few moments to realize that it is his roommate's lips pushed against his own on an awkward kiss. 

Myungsoo flinches, pushes him away and retreats in a corner of the room far away from him. The last time someone kissed him it was Sungyeol and he isn't sure he is ready to do it with someone else yet. When he finally manages to raise his head, his roommate is looking at him with a puzzled look, something between shame and embarrassment. Myungsoo feels bad for him, for being the one daring to refuse him when he is so eager for any human touch or affection. If his roommate hadn't been so nice all along it wouldn't have happened but he has been soft and cute and caring and Myungsoo is fucking drunk. 

They kiss again, sloppily, hungrily with tongues and teeth. Myungsoo feels alive again. The pain isn't there anymore when his roommate - Sunggyu, his name is, he should call him by his name now - runs his hands all over his back and pulls at his hair roughly. It isn't there when they are both naked and panting and the half empty bottle is spilling on the carpet. Even when they reach the bed and Myungsoo goes down on him, licking and stroking his chest and stomach until he swirls his tongue around his throbbing member and hears him moan his name it isn't painful and Sungyeol isn't there in his mind to make him feel bad. Maybe it is the alcohol, maybe it is that he already forgot him. 

Sunggyu comes with a jerk of hips in his mouth, his cock twitching and pulsating on his tongue. When he goes down himself on Myungsoo, it only takes him a few bob of his head before he feels his muscles clenching and his orgasm washing over him. It feels amazing after all this time. It feels great. He arches off the bed, thighs quivering and he moans louder than he should have.

And it would have probably feel the same - great, appeasing - if his roommate didn't suddenly stood up from the bed after finishing to go back to his own bed and fell asleep without a word or a look to Myungsoo. At first, Myungsoo doesn't take it too personally. They are drunk and tired and it all happened so fast. It isn't like he can expect him to fall in love or to cuddle. He doesn't feel used at first. He feels thankful that someone found interest in him despite him being a broken and weird kid. 

When he starts feeling the pain again and when the images of Sungyeol comes back in his mind, it is the next few days, when he tries to mention what happened, to put words on their relationship, on what they did but Sunggyu just looks at him widening eyes and tells him that there is nothing to talk about because he isn't gay. 

And he never stops saying it. 

At first, Myungsoo is bitter, knowing that he just used him when he was drunk to reject him the next day but then, he learns to live with it, because it is better to be used than alone. And Myungsoo will do anything to stop being alone. It has been too many years. Now that he tasted what it feels like to be with someone again, he can't forget it, he can't go back to be alone. Too many stuff happened that he didn't even know about because he never had someone to talk to. Well, he had Sungyeol but Sungyeol was long gone and he left him alone. He has to take care of himself, he has to find something that will ease the pain and maybe gives him something to hang on. Sunggyu is the perfect person. He is nice and older - even though he never calls him "hyung" because it will remind him to much of Sungyeol - and he always takes care of him. Myungsoo can accept to become his little distraction at night because he helps him so much during the day, talking to him, forcing him to go eat lunch outside with him, insisting that he comes to watch the soccer University team play with him. Their University wins and despite them staying seated under the sun for three longs hours, it is worth it. Sunggyu laughs, jumps on his feet, and some students he never talked to before hug them and offer them beer to celebrate. It has been a while since Myungsoo experienced such sense of euphoria. He feels alive again and Sunggyu gives him the same affection he would to a little brother, making Myungsoo feel safe.

 

It always happens when he is drunk. He comes home at around 1 a.m., sometimes sooner, smelling like cigarettes and alcohol, probably coming back straight from a party where he had as much alcohol as possible. He always goes directly to Myungsoo's bed, lying on top of him and whispering filthy things into his ear until he wakes him up and lets him have his way with him. During the first few times, it is awkward the next morning because Sunggyu always acts like nothing happened, like he can't remember, asking Myungsoo if he slept well and saying bye before leaving for classes. But then, Myungsoo gets used to it and he starts spending nights awaken on his bed, waiting for him to come back, getting half-hard as soon as he hears him drunkenly try to turn the key in the lock, already panting and hot by the time he is on him and his tongue is licking his neck hungrily. 

Sometimes, Sunggyu brings back alcohol at their dorm and they get drunk together ; Myungsoo waiting impatiently for his roommate to be drunk enough so he will allow him to touch him again, and maybe if he is in a good mood, cuddle him a bit afterwards, pats his head and kisses his temple. Just like Sungyeol used to do. 

The first time they actually fuck it isn't like Myungsoo expects it to happen. He had always bottomed with Sungyeol and he was fine with it because it was Sungyeol and it felt so fucking good to be filled by him. Even now he still misses the moment when finally, after all the teasing, Sungyeol would push himself inside him fully. 

It doesn't happen this way with his roommate. For a while it is just hurried and rough handjobs and blowjobs until they both come and go back to sleep. He is satisfied with it. It is actually more than he can hope for. It has been so long since someone last touched him that he can't help but orgasm embarrassingly quickly each time but because of the alcohol Sunggyu never lasts long either, so it is fine. 

But then, Myungsoo gets impatient and maybe Sunggyu is a bit too. It isn't that hurried or eager anymore, it is all grinding and rubbing against each other until they are painfully hard and both stroking and groping each other backsides. And then, one night, fully naked, both incredibly close, Myungsoo presses one finger against Sunggyu's entrance. He doesn't really think about it but he has been touching his ass for a while and Sunggyu is shamelessly arching above him and it seems just like the right thing to do. His roommate's reaction is even more surprising as he pushes back onto Myungsoo's hand as to tell him to go deeper and faster. It is hot and enough to make Myungsoo's brain go crazy. Myungsoo gets even harder - if it is possible - and it isn't long until he has Sunggyu on his back and he is pushing slowly - extremely slowly - his lubricated cock inside him. He is so fucking tight that there is no way he has been taken before. Myungsoo just loves the way his thighs tremble each time he pushes a bit further in until he is fully buried and Sunggyu is already leaking on his stomach. For the first time, Myungsoo wishes he wasn't drunk so he would be able to look at him straight without his eyes wandering away and be able to tell him how amazing he feels around him to be sure he will remember the next day.

And he does remember by the way he limps to his classes the next morning. Myungsoo can't even ask if he is alright. But he most likely is because the next week-end when he opens the door and stumbles into Myungsoo's bed, he immediately wraps his legs around Myungsoo's waist and begs him to take him again.

It lasts one year and a half until the dorm is fully renovated and Sunggyu leaves Myungsoo's room to never come back again. Myungsoo wishes that he would have ; that maybe one night after drinking too much his steps would have leaded him to his doorway and he would have opened the door because Myungsoo never closes it and kisses him fervently and impatiently on the mouth. It doesn't happen. Once in a while they bump into each other in the hallways between two classes or at lunch. Myungsoo blushes and nods and his ex-roommate smiles weakly and mouths a silent "hi". This is it, nothing more.

And Myungsoo is alone again. His room suddenly feels too big and too empty. At first, it is hard, learning to be on his own again but he is used to it now, being dumped by people who started by help him to give up halfway. At least, that's what he thinks because he knows deep inside that he will never get used to it. It still fucking hurts. And Sungyeol is still gone. Sunggyu too now.

Around that time, Myungsoo starts wondering what Sungyeol is doing. He probably moved on from their relationship - if it was even one for him - for a while now, but still, maybe, just maybe, he hasn't fully just like Myungsoo and he still worries about him sometimes. 

After that, it takes him another six months to go back to his mother's house. He procrastinates until his mother is almost crying on the phone and he realizes that he lost the notion of time ; it has been already three years since he left. He has been scared for too long and he can't keep doing this to his mother.

 

Myungsoo comes back on the summer of his 21th birthday - as a boy on the cusp of maturing into a man. He arrives in town at around 3 p.m., driving his own car, and as he pulls down the car's window to let some air comes in, it does feel like he is coming back home. His insides churn a little as he turns on his street - their street - and he is almost worried about how his mother will look like after all those years. He knows that in the eyes of others he probably changed for the better ; he isn't the weird silent kid anymore but some successful college student. But he is conscious that for himself - and for his mother too - he is still the same ; a misfit still unable to communicate with others. 

The neighborhood changed. Some neighbors left and were replaced with others, some trees were cut off and never replaced, some others even grew taller. The only thing that didn't change is his house - still blue and white, standing proudly at the end of the road - and Sungyeol's one. He tries really hard not to look as he passes by but he obviously fails and he lets his gaze wander around the green grass of the front yard and the small window on the first floor - Sungyeol's room. He only looks away when tears are threatening to spill. 

His mother didn't change that much. The only different thing is that when Myungsoo tries to hug her, he is much more taller than her and she feels like a fragile thing he might broke if he holds it too tight. His mother always appeared to him as the strongest person he knows. He realizes how wrong he is now. She had always pretended to be strong because he was weak but now that he is really looking at her, with new eyes, in retrospect, he knows that he should be the one protecting her. 

They eat together. He missed her cooking. Myungsoo shows her his drawings and tells her about college. He lies a lot ; talking about this guy he is hanging out with, making up stories about them going hiking together, getting drunk on Saturdays and proclaiming that they are inseparable and really good friends. Maybe his mother doesn't believe him but she doesn't say it, probably glad that he is at least trying to reassure her. Myungsoo doesn't hate college but he doesn't like it either. He doesn't have friends but he doesn't really miss having any. Especially not after what happened with Sunggyu. The only person he ever missed was Sungyeol and every person he met after him, he couldn't help but compare them to him. None of them succeeded in making him forget. None of them were as good as him.

 

It all starts again only three days later. He is shopping at the supermarket - the one where Sungyeol used to work at - and is just about to pay for his groceries. It doesn't hit him right away when his eyes casually follow the car driving by the shop. It is quite a usual thing actually ; the road in front is generally busy, more specifically since the town grew bigger. Yes, it could be just anyone passing by. But it isn't.

It isn't and Myungsoo could have recognized this car among a hundred. This car in which he spent so many hours as a teenager. The car he used to get on every day after school. The car which is carrying all his memories.

It could have been another car looking like Sungyeol's one but it isn't. The faded grey color, the bump on the right, the dirt on the windows. Everything match. Even the silhouette on the driver seat - it is too quick for Myungsoo to be sure - looks strangely familiar. Way too familiar.

"Your change, sir," The supermarket's owner has his hand extended in the air for quite a some time now but Myungsoo's eyes can't resolve themselves to look away from the now empty road. He didn't dream. No. It was Sungyeol's car. He is going to his house, that is for sure. This road leads directly to their neighborhood. 

"Excuse me sir-," he smiles, trying not to sound too creepy, "-do you remember the boy who used to work here a few years ago? His name is Sungyeol," Myungsoo hears himself ask. He needs to be sure.

"Ah, yes, Lee Sungyeol, right? I remember, why?" Did he not recognize me then?, Myungsoo thinks but he probably looks very different from the lost fragile boy he used to be. Will Sungyeol recognize him?

"Do you know if he comes back to visit his parents often?" Myungsoo tries to sound casual, not too curious to be suspicious but he is already because the cashier arches his eyebrows, a bit surprised.

"Why do you ask me? Do you know him?" 

"Yes, yes, we were... we were in High School together. I just came back to visit my mom myself and I'm wondering if he's still around town. You know, it'd be nice to be able to talk about the good old times and all." Myungsoo fakes a laugh to try to sound relaxed and thanks god it works.

"I knew I had already seen you somewhere! Well, Sungyeol comes here quite often, every holidays I think. He's quite a faithful son."

Every holidays. It is summer break for University right now. Sungyeol is here. Sungyeol is staying in the house next to his.

Myungsoo is in a daze when he comes back home, walking under the hot sun which he is sure is burning the skin on the back of his neck. His home and the supermarket aren't that far, maybe ten minutes by foot but Myungsoo walks as slowly as he can, even if he is sweating buckets, his hair damped on his forehead and his shirt sticking uncomfortably to his back. He is terrified. Terrified to be back home in time to see Sungyeol parks his car and enters his house and maybe turns his head around and spots Myungsoo. He is scared of what might happen if this happens. But also, on the other hand, he wants to run there as quickly as possible to be able to see him even if it is only for a few seconds ; see how he looks now or if he changed. Maybe he won't even recognize him and Myungsoo will be able to pretend he is a new neighbor. Maybe they will meet again as different persons and start over ; have a new beginning, a better one. 

When he finally reaches his house, he is sure the chocolate he bought for his mother already melted. Sungyeol's car is indeed parked in front of his house but the door is closed and he is nowhere to be seen. One glance at his room's window and the shutters are still closed. He feels relieved. 

He goes back home, rushing to drink water to make up for all he sweated, wiping his dripping forehead. Maybe he won't have to see Sungyeol. Maybe he will leave without seeing him.

 

But of course it doesn't happen that way. It isn't long until they meet again. One day and a half in the course of which Myungsoo stays home, helps his mother cooking and draws a little - he still has to do his homework for college - but then, hands shaking and legs weak, when the afternoon is about to end, he feels like going crazy by staying inside the house, knowing that Sungyeol is next door. He hasn't been here for a very long time and yet he remembers everything. He can still walk through the hallway and to his room with his eyes closed. His mother didn't change anything in his room, even the blankets remain the same. The photos of Sungyeol and him, back when they were kids, are still displayed proudly on his desk. Myungsoo can't resolve himself to look at them but he can't throw them away either. He almost forgot about them, because they have always been there, for as long as he can remember, but now that he is looking at his room with the passing of time, he starts noticing that Sungyeol is everywhere. 

He looked cute as a kid, he thinks, when he finally gets the courage to examine the pictures properly. Myungsoo is surprised to see how chubby Sungyeol's cheeks were or how pretty his gummy smile appeared. But now that he is observing the pictures, the memories are slowly coming back and he isn't sure he wants them to. Myungsoo realizes he is unknowingly smiling by the time he decides to hide the photos in his drawer. Those are good memories. Innocent ones. Moments when Sungyeol didn't know about Myungsoo's feelings yet. Time before he broke his heart. Before they started dating and ruined everything. They were just friends and it was easy. Myungsoo was loving Sungyeol secretly and as long as he didn't know it was fine. But then Myungsoo couldn't take it anymore, because it was too hard, because he wanted Sungyeol for himself. He shouldn't have. If he didn't have say anything maybe they would still be friends by now, maybe Sungyeol would still be by his side.

Sitting on his bed, like he used to do for the first eighteen years of his life is suffocating. He feels strangely out of place in the yet familiar environment and for a moment he wishes he didn't come back. The memories are still there ; on his floor where Sungyeol used to lie down, at his window where he used to smoke, on his bed where they used to snuggle and then where he spent one full year crying. Everywhere. Myungsoo isn't sure he will be able to endure it much longer. He has to get out. Even for a little while. Just a few minutes away from all this. From the memories menacing to turn him into a monster.

He tells his mother that he is going out for a walk and will be back soon, on time for dinner. She agrees with a smile, all happy that he is finally back home and Myungsoo can tell that she must have felt lonely all this time without him. There is something greatly sad at seeing how the living room isn't used that much anymore or that the fridge is almost empty since only food for one person is needed. Picturing his mother in such a big house by herself makes Myungsoo feel guilty, so guilty that he can't look at her in the eyes. 

When he goes out, it is still suffocatingly hot outside but since the wind rose, the sun isn't burning anymore. He checked carefully that Sungyeol wasn't outside before going out. And he isn't. Thankfully.

Myungsoo can breath a little better when he starts walking down the familiar street. Some kids are playing in one of the gardens ; it would have been him and Sungyeol ten years ago. Some houses changed a bit ; their colors or their inhabitants but their spots are still the same and the air still smells the same, and even if Myungsoo spent years hating this place - for as long as he can remember -, coming back now is somehow both reassuring and excitingly scary. 

He hasn't really walked that way in a while - just walking to enjoy the landscape and his surroundings - since all he does every day is crossing the campus to go to his classes and coming back to his dorm. It feels nice. His legs are a bit stiff and he is sweating a bit but it is alright. He bumps into some people who were with him in High School. None of them recognize him obviously, but he recognizes them right away and wonders how their lives are like now. They most likely stayed in the town. Did they go to the closest university or did they give up after High School? It is half funny, half weird thinking that later on some of them will replace the people working in the city. One of them will maybe run the supermarket, another one will become a teacher at the school, another a doctor. And then will have children and they will follow the same path. Myungsoo used to think this town doesn't offer any valuable future but maybe it does, it isn't just the kind of future he can comply with. Maybe it is just him who doesn't fit this kind of life.

Myungsoo never though he'll stay in this town for the rest of his life but now that he is there, it doesn't seem like the worst thing. Besides, he would be able to see Sungyeol as often as his parents would stay here. 

The sun is slowly setting, coloring the streets with warm orange sunlights. 

Myungsoo doesn't really realize where his feet led him until he notices the familiar basketball court. A few kids are playing, sweating and running around to catch the ball. Myungsoo sits silently on one of the side to look at the match or to try to forget what he saw there four years ago. They had been at the other side of the court, sitting close to each other, laughing, kissing. 

The pain is still there, buried deep inside but not as strong as it used to be. Or maybe it is and Myungsoo just got used to it. 

Three of the kids high-fived each other as they score a two points basket. They haven't see him yet and he almost feels like intruding, viciously watching something he isn't allowed to. Just like he did four years ago. Myungsoo wishes he knew basketball so he could have played with Sungyeol, but he has never been good with his body - he is too clumsy, his teachers always said - and he likes reading and drawing more anyway. 

 

"I knew you'd come here." That what he says and Myungsoo can recognize this voice among a million others. It is a bit deeper, a bit rougher than it used to be but it still has the same sweetness lingering that makes Myungsoo jumps in surprise, in excitement. He imagined this moment so many times that he can't believe it is really happening. For a second, he thinks that maybe he just dreamt what he just heard. But no, he didn't. He is here.

Myungsoo is frozen, physically unable to turn around to look at him. He knows he is here. He knows he should be strong and show him that he doesn't care at all - he wishes he doesn't -, but the tears are already pearling from the corner of his eyes. They are acid and burn his cheek as they drop down. It is so painful Myungsoo thinks he might faint. He holds back the sob menacing to break through, just like all the words he imagined he would tell him if he ever met him again are stuck in his throat, and he isn't sure he clearly remembers them anyway.

Sungyeol must have felt Myungsoo tense because he sits on the ground too, next to him, but a little behind he doesn't have to face him. If Myungsoo turns his head to the right he can see the tip of his shoes. He bites the inside of his cheeks, trying not to over-think the fact that he is just a few meters away from him after all those years. He hates himself for being so helpless and so weak.

"It's been a while, right?" It is almost a whisper and at the unusual shyness of the tone Myungsoo flinches. Sungyeol has never been good with words - never will be probably - but great at keeping things vague. It is all they need for now. Nothing too definite because it will mean commitment and Myungsoo isn't ready for trust yet. So he says something casual, nothing scary, nothing angry. Myungsoo doesn't know what to do, what to answer. A part of him wants to extend his arm and reach for Sungyeol, touch him, touch anything, touch something. Maybe his knee or if he is lucky enough his hand ; the soft and warm hands he missed so much. But another part of him is scared to death. Scared of the burn. Scared that the touch might bring back the pain twice stronger than it became with the years. Myungsoo wishes he could still be mad at Sungyeol for what he did. He really wishes he could insult him and hurt him like has wanted to do four years ago. But lots of things changed and a long time has passed since then. A long time without him and all he wants now is to bury himself into Sungyeol's warmth and lets time take all the pain away. He wishes he had enough pride to reject him and run away before it is too late but he is too wretched and weak for that.

He hears a slight sigh behind him, realizing that Sungyeol probably expects him to answer but his eyes are glued to the kids playing - even if he isn't really seeing them anymore - and his body is suddenly incredibly still. 

"Myungsoo-ah," he calls with a hint of despair. Myungsoo quivers at the nickname. It has been so long. "Would you-" his voice drops a bit, "let me see you?" It is a tentative request, something so unlike Sungyeol and he realizes by the way his voice is wavering that he is probably crying too. 

He hesitates for a moment. But then he wipes his cheeks roughly with the back of his hands, not wanting to appear too feeble in front of him, and slowly turns around. First his legs, then his butt and finally he is fully facing him. 

Myungsoo almost gasps. Not because he doesn't recognize him because he does, but because the sight brings back vivid memories to his mind. The blurred image Sungyeol's face which remained in his head suddenly becomes clearer and he can tell that he didn't change that much. His hair are a bit longer, falling on his forehead, almost covering his eyes. He is obviously taller, his shoulders are a bit wider but the rest didn't change, beside for the wetness of his cheeks maybe. His overly serious gaze is still the same as he stares at Myungsoo and even his pouty mouth is still there, slightly opened. 

Sungyeol is indeed crying, translucent tears rolling slowly on his face to fall on his white t-shirt. He extends a hand towards him, gentle and welcoming and Myungsoo takes it. At first, all shaking and worried but soon he is squeezing it so hard that it must hurt. Sungyeol doesn't seem to mind as he doesn't say anything and holds Myungsoo's fingers firmly. "Myungsoo-ah," he whimpers once again, and this time Myungsoo answers, "Hyung." His voice is hoarse and quiet but he is sure Sungyeol hears him because he shivers and a small smile flickers across his face. Not a gummy one but a smile nonetheless. Myungsoo almost wants to scream at that. He missed it so much, Sungyeol's smile.

They stay like this for a while, holding hands and looking at each other, discovering and memorizing their new features. Myungsoo wants to say something, to tell him how hurt he is, he wants to come closer and hug him hard, but instead, he doesn't do anything until Sungyeol's eyes flutter away from his owns. 

He doesn't let go of Myungsoo's hand when they stand up and he is glad for it. He wants to feel Sungyeol's skin against his own a bit more, a bit longer, just long enough to be sure it isn't a dream. 

"I'll walk you home," he offers and Myungsoo realizes the sun is almost set. Walking next to Sungyeol across the familiar streets they used to walk on the first seventeen years of their lives feels surreal. Myungsoo keeps wondering when Sungyeol will throw him away and tell him to get lost. But Sungyeol doesn't let go of his hand, even when they become slippery with sweat. 

Myungsoo has so many questions that he wants to ask. Questions that tortured him for years, so many questions which need to be answered. He repeated them in his head every days for four years. And yet, none of them seems to pass the barrier of his lips right now. All he can do is stare at Sungyeol in disbelief and squeeze his soft hand in his. He can't even feel his legs when they start walking. He doesn't even register where Sungyeol wants to go but he just follows him, lets him lead the way like he always did. It is both reassuring and scary. Myungsoo's insides are churning with something he doesn't quite grasp and if not for the 22 years old Sungyeol's pulling him by the hand in front of him, Myungsoo would have mistaken the situation for what could have occurred years ago.

"How did you know I came back?" Myungsoo finally manages to stutter. It isn't that important, because the real question he wants to ask is "why did you come find me?" but he can't find the courage to voice it. He can't tell Sungyeol yet how much he needs him or how long he waited for him, because maybe Sungyeol didn't even wait, maybe he already moved on. But he is here, and he is holding his hand. Myungsoo tries really hard not to hope but it is hard with Sungyeol's eyes on him, scrutinizing him like he always does, with the same loving and caring expression he always used around him.

He smiles like he is happy to finally hear his voice and Myungsoo's heart misses a beat. Sungyeol's smile is precious, so rare that he is lucky he got a chance to see it. "My mom told me," he answers with glittering eyes. "She saw you around town the other day." 

Myungsoo wishes they could talk more because he wants to know more and he doesn't want to let go of Sungyeol, but they are already in front of his house, and his mother's dinner is probably ready. It is almost dark too ; the last red sunrays slowly fading away. 

Sungyeol seems to hesitate for a second, probably wondering what he should say. "Do you want to meet tomorrow?" He offers in a tentative voice, analyzing Myungsoo's face as if he is afraid he might say something wrong. But he doesn't. Because Myungsoo really wants to see him tomorrow and the day after that and all the days after. No matter how much it hurts, no matter if Sungyeol will tell him that he has someone else, if only he can see him, he will be fine.

"Y-Yeah. Ok. Tomorrow." Myungsoo nods, trying to suppress both the tears and the smile threatening to break on his face. Sungyeol lets out a sigh of relief.

"See you tomorrow, then. I'll drop by to pick you up in the afternoon." The only thought of getting back into Sungyeol's car after all this years is enough to make Myungsoo both shiver in anticipation and fear. He isn't ready for it. Or maybe he is but he isn't ready to hear what Sungyeol will say yet. 

"Okay," He agrees, avoiding his eyes. 

Sungyeol nods once again and takes a step backward. They are still holding hands and he doesn't seem to want to let go just yet. He holds it until they are both two far away to reach other and then, he turns away and Myungsoo has to hold back himself from screaming him to not leave him again, but instead he looks at his back walking toward his own house. They are going to see each other tomorrow. It is fine. 

Myungsoo looks at his hand and it feels like it is on fire. He stands there until Sungyeol disappears in his house. Only then he seems to recover a bit of strength in his legs and is able to go back to his own house. His mother is waiting for him, worried, with questions lingering all over her face that she does not dare to ask. She probably saw them in front from one of the windows. She is probably scared he will run to his room to lock himself in again, but instead Myungsoo just sits on the couch and cries. He cries so hard that when he stops he is almost too exhausted to even go to bed. His mother stays by his side the whole time, stroking his back lightly, silently.


	3. Chapter 3

**IV.**

 

 

When Myungsoo opens the door and Sungyeol is here, looking tired with messy hair and crumpled clothes, his heart swells in his chest. It hurts but the pain acts as some kind of endorphin, making him all fuzzy and weak in his legs. Sungyeol doesn't say much because he never says much anyway but he casually holds Myungsoo's hand and it feels like ten years ago all over again when Myungsoo would jump at every touch from Sungyeol and couldn't help but stare at him with eyes full of admiration and wonder. 

Sungyeol decides that they won't use his car today and Myungsoo is relieved because he isn't sure he will be able to sit in there again one day. So they walk to the center of the city and Myungsoo's mouth is dry the whole time, words filling his mouth but unable to come out. It is a stupid thing to do ; walking outside in the middle of the day when the sun is beating hot over their backs and even the animals are hiding, but Myungsoo can hold Sungyeol's hand and because of that, it is okay. He can walk the whole day under the sun if Sungyeol asks him to.

"So," Sungyeol's voice sounds rougher, huskier than Myungsoo remembers, "How is it going in college for you?" It is a lame question to ask. Something you would actually ask to a long lost acquaintance that you just bumped into in a supermarket. But maybe this is what they are now ; long lost acquaintances. Myungsoo wants to cry at the awkwardness but holds it back in - mostly because he really wants to catch up on what Sungyeol did all these years.

"It's going fine. I'm majoring in Art and Design. I-I like to draw- and stuff like that." Myungsoo can't look at Sungyeol because of the sun in his eyes but he feels him nod next to him. "And you?" Myungsoo asks, eager and hopeful, finally about to know what tortured his curiousness for so long.

"Me?" Sungyeol lets out a bitter laugh. "I think I'll just quit after summer break." He sighs heavily. "Studies aren't really my thing, you know. I'm not smart like you." And Myungsoo isn't sure if he is teasing him or actually complimenting him. As long as Myungsoo remembers Sungyeol is studying engineering, something that would assure him a good job with a great pay and a lot of recognition, but he suddenly realizes that he doesn't know anything anymore about Sungyeol ; what he likes, what he enjoys doing with his friends, how his life in college is. 

"Oh, I see." But Myungsoo really doesn't see because college is like a salvation for him ; the opportunity to leave this town and all the shitty people he met and the awful memories he has, but it isn't probably like this for him. "So what are you going to do after?" His hold tightens around Sungyeol's hand like he is afraid he is going to say that he will leave the country. Sungyeol rubs circles with his thumb against his skin and it is unsettingly appeasing. 

"Work, I guess. I still need to make money and my years at college aren't wasted, I still managed to complete four years." He shrugs like it is no big deal and like he has all the time in the world to make a decision anyway. Myungsoo has always been awfully terrified of the future he has before him and moreover if it is an uncertain one. Going to university, knowing what he will do the next day according to his schedule and the next year after he passes his exams is what he always hoped for ; a life without any place for the unexpected. Sungyeol is the strict opposite. He clearly remembers that one time when they were younger - around thirteen when Sungyeol was all wild and Myungsoo didn't know anything about anything - and Sungyeol suddenly decided that school and parents were boring and that he wanted to run away. He had convinced - or more like forced - Myungsoo to follow him because Myungsoo always followed him anyway and made him walk with him to the closest train station where they were supposed to take a train to the capital and then meet some of Sungyeol's friends. They actually got caught as soon as they reached the train station and when they got back to their houses, they were scolded so badly that Myungsoo swore to himself he would never ever listen to Sungyeol again. So when Sungyeol nonchalantly says he wants to quit college, Myungsoo isn't that surprised, it would have been weird of him to bloom in the Universities' conventional system. 

"What about you, do you like it? College, I mean." Sungyeol questions and he sounds like he is really interested. Myungsoo blushes. 

"Y-Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. I-," He tries to sound natural. "I met good friends." But even to his ears it sounds like a lie. Sungyeol seems a bit taken aback nonetheless. 

"Good friends?" He repeats, thinking. "Boyfriend?" And his hold on Myungsoo's hand loosens slightly. 

"N-No," Myungsoo swallows hard. "It was kind of hard after you." He explains and he tries to laugh it off to not appear so desperate but only a strangled whine comes out of his mouth. It is embarrassing but it is also true and Sungyeol probably knows already anyway.   
Sungyeol stays silent for a few minutes like he doesn't know what to say. He is probably wondering if he should apologize now or avoid the subject and Myungsoo bites his lower lip, mad at himself for making things awkward when they just met again. Sungyeol doesn't seem upset though, more like saddened, and the last thing Myungsoo wants is to be pitied. 

"Why didn't you answer?" He asks after a while, voice quiet and solemn.

"Hm? What do you mean?" The question is strangely serious and Myungsoo isn't sure how he should answer.

"I went to see you, after-after... what happened. Why didn't you answer? Why didn't you let me see you?" Sungyeol stops their walk to look right at him, covering the sun for a while and Myungsoo suddenly feels so small and fragile in front of him. "I know you were here but your mother kept saying that you weren't. People-" He looks annoyed now. "People talked. They said you became weird, that you didn't go out for almost a year or some shit like that." Myungsoo tries to look impassive but he must fail because Sungyeol's expression changes ; looking both shocked and about to cry. "So why didn't you answer? I wanted to explain myself. That was the least I could do, the least you could allow me to do." 

Myungsoo can't look at Sungyeol in the eyes anymore ; he is too ashamed, too shy for it. He can't bring himself to tell him what it was like after he left, what it was like to live with this gaping hole in his chest. Maybe Sungyeol understands because he stops talking, he stays still for a bit and Myungsoo is sure he is crying, but he won't raise his head to see. Sungyeol has no right to cry right now. It is Myungsoo who should cry. He is the one who doesn't even know how he managed stay alive after all this, he is the one who barely lived for four years. 

And here they are, back to their hometown, on the streets they walked in for seventeen years together and Sungyeol is crying for him to forgive him. Myungsoo wishes he could be mad, wishes he could tell him to fuck off because he already found better, because he forgot about him a long time ago but he can't lie, because no matter how hard he tries, he still loves him. He loves him painfully and strongly; too much some would say, but what is happening right now - getting to see Sungyeol again - is the only hope that kept him breathing all these years. When the pain was too strong, when the memories would come haunt him, he would dream of that moment, about Sungyeol's hands back on his cheeks, about his lips on his forehead and his sweet raspy voice, strained with sobs, begging him for forgiveness. 

"What did you do it, hyung?" Myungsoo whimpers. "Didn't you love me? Did you love that guy instead?" All the questions he kept inside, scared to even ask them because their answers are terrifying, he can't help himself but finally spill them out, muttering them to Sungyeol and clenching at his shirt while waiting for him to respond. "You were the only one I had back then." You are still the only one I have. "You left me alone-" His voice cracks and it is half between a cry of despair and an accusation. "How could you, hyung? I trusted you." I still do.

Sungyeol pulls Myungsoo against his chest and wraps his strong arms around him. He is weeping on his shoulder and his sobs are shaking his whole body so furiously that it is almost scary. "I'm sorry, Myungsoo-ah, I'm so so sorry." Myungsoo shuts his eyes tight as to print these words in his brain. "I was stupid back then. I-I didn't love him at all that guy. He was just, you know, hitting on me and all." Myungsoo wails at that and Sungyeol strokes his back gently. He feels his tears dripping on his neck and he hates it suddenly, being the one who makes him cry. "I was scared because with you... with you it was all so strong and real and intense. And you were expecting so much from me, I-I didn't know what to do. We were so young. It seemed like a good excuse at that time, to date that guy." They are here the words Myungsoo doesn't want to hear. They are here and they are reopening old scars. "But after-" Sungyeol lets his nose rest against Myungsoo's shoulder. "After it was over and you left, I realized how much I cared. I regretted it so much. I was so pissed off at myself and I couldn't even bring myself to think about how much I hurt you." His voice is hoarse and harsh now, like he is still angry at himself or even at the world for it. "I missed you so much. I-I wanted to call you but I thought I had no right." Myungsoo wouldn't have answered anyway. "I always tried to protect you because you were so fragile and so innocent back then. When we were kid I was always scared you would meet someone bad who would harm you and then I would have to kill them, but I was the one to do it in the end." He snorts ironically. 

He is right ; when they grew up Myungsoo didn't know anything. He was a virgin, a kid who matured after everyone else. Sungyeol taught him everything ; friendship, love, pain, everything he knows now. Myungsoo always admired him for that, because he was the one who always knew better than him and the one who always took time to actually explain things to him. He always felt safe around Sungyeol - protected. He had been the first in everything - in every ones of his experiences - and Myungsoo never contemplated the idea that there could be someone after him. 

"I already forgave you, I think." A long time ago. Around the time when he got out of his mother's house. When he realized that maybe he shouldn't have sheltered himself. Maybe he should have talked to him instead and maybe if he had beg him enough, Sungyeol would have stayed. 

Sungyeol kisses him on the lips for the first time in four years. It is just a push, a brush, a soundless kiss but it feels like Myungsoo's heart starts beating again; hard and loud in his chest. He kisses him like they never stopped, like he is resuming something that started four years ago.

Sungyeol has his hands tangled in Myungsoo's locks by now and when he raises his head just a bit so his mouth is right next his ear, Myungsoo shivers.

"Myungsoo-ah," he breathes, "I love you." He says finally and his voice is full of something he never heard before. It is so low and so quiet that Myungsoo isn't sure he really said it. But he did. He did for the first time and it feels like a fresh start again. 

However, it isn't a fresh start at all because the pain is still there, buried somewhere, bandaged and forgotten for a bit maybe, but still lingering here and there, under Sungyeol's touches, behind Myungsoo's smile. It isn't a new start at all also because Myungsoo can't fully trust him. He has so much to loose. He learned to live without Sungyeol, it hasn't been easy, it has been so fucking hard actually but now he isn't sure he will be able to take another deception. Myungsoo doesn't like when things change anyway. He doesn't want to start everything all over again.

 

They meet every day outside at first, going where the wind blows them, mostly because they need a neutral place, not Myungsoo's home where they spent so many years together and where everything still reminds them of what they used to be, not Sungyeol's house either because his parents are here and well, they doesn't really know nor are willing to accept their son's preferences. Myungsoo can't believe Sungyeol succeeded in hiding it for so long, but they never really cared about him anyway so they probably never asked. 

At first it is hard to talk. Myungsoo can't look at Sungyeol in the eyes, he can't tell him how it was for him during all these years without him. So for the first time in their lives, Sungyeol does all the speaking. He doesn't even expect an answer from Myungsoo, he just starts talking and talking, telling him all about his life ; about his funny roommate, about the guy next door who is always high, about how the city he lives in looks so different from here, how he never imagined or even dreamed of others places before leaving but now that he did he wants to go everywhere. He even tries to explain to him what is engineering about, using a bunch of complicated words Myungsoo can't understand but it is okay because Sungyeol is talking to him and just that is enough. 

Sungyeol's honesty is scary, because he tells Myungsoo everything about everything - surely an attempt to show him how much he trusts him and that he wants him to do the same - but it isn't easy. It isn't easy and Myungsoo has to listen to things that makes him sick in his stomach, like who Sungyeol dated or what they did together.

 

 

It is one evening like any other since Myungsoo arrived here. Sungyeol knocks at his door, his mother opens with a smile and then they are supposed to go for a walk around the town. Myungsoo is just getting used to those walks when Sungyeol decides he is tired of it. "What about we take my car this time?" He offers innocently, like he can't remember what it is like for Myungsoo to be in that car. "Come on, I'll drive you somewhere fun." He smiles and pats his head. Myungsoo feels a lump forming in his throat and his guts twitching. He isn't so sure about that. Sure, it is all good memories they have in this car but it is also old memories. Old memories which turned into wounds when Sungyeol left. Thanks god, Sungyeol doesn't let him think about it too much, he pulls him by his wrist and before he knows it, Myungsoo is sitting against the burning leather seats and Sungyeol is putting his seatbelt on him, like he is afraid Myungsoo will run away. 

The seats are overused and the leather is torn in some parts but they are as comfortable as they used to be. The car still doesn't have any air con, making the inside unbearably hot and suffocating and the radio stopped working one year ago, Sungyeol apologizes, but besides that, it is comfortable. Sungyeol keeps his eyes on the road and Myungsoo keeps his eyes on him, letting his gaze travel from his face to his arms, back to his neck, down to his leg tensing when he pushes the accelerating pedal. He is incredibly handsome, as handsome as in Myungsoo's memories. He still isn't sure if all of that is real - he has the urge sometimes to extend his hand to touch Sungyeol to be assured that all this isn't just a dream, that he isn't crazy - but even if it is him turning insane, he is fine with it because he is happy for the first time in a very long time.

But he isn't going crazy. Sungyeol is here, next to him, with his reassuring presence, overflowing with a terrifying charisma that makes Myungsoo feel small and curious. Like he always did. Myungsoo has always been the weird kid staring lovingly and eagerly at his hyung, and he still is.

Sungyeol drives for a while in silence and Myungsoo forgets to look at the road or to bother asking where they are going.

He can't trust Sungyeol, not after all this years, and yet he is there in his car looking at him like he is seeing him for the first time and he can tell it won't be long until he falls for him again. 

Sungyeol drives them to out of the city. It is hot and Myungsoo's arm is burning because of the sun hitting the window. He almost forgot what it was like outside of the town ; large wheat fields and roads full of potholes. It is nice. Beautiful. The only sound is coming from the hum of the car's engine and the bugs singing. It is at the same time both strangely quiet and extremely loud. Myungsoo always thought that summer's days are the loudest, maybe because the sun seems to plunge him into a lethargic state where everything is loud. It isn't annoying, though. Myungsoo enjoys it, and probably more because Sungyeol is right beside him and it makes everything more enjoyable.

They drive for about twenty minutes before they reach the borders of the next town and stop by a skate park. There is a huge hard-packed surface where people seem to meet quite often. Myungsoo never heard about it before and never imagined Sungyeol would know about a place like this. Most of them are young - some of them still in High School as they are wearing uniforms -, the others, older, are drinking beer, and Myungsoo is starting to feel uncomfortable.

"What are we doing here?" Myungsoo pulls at Sungyeol's sleeve. 

"You'll see, it'll be fun!" Sungyeol replies cheerfully, dragging Myungsoo to the crowd. People don't seem to notice them as they are staring at something upfront. 

"Do you come here often? What is it?" He questions, both curious and worried.

"Yeah, sometimes. I found out about it back in High School. One of the rare cool things that happens around here." He smiles. "Look, it's going to start!" He pushes Myungsoo to the front and he almost kicks a girl sitting on the ground. 

Myungsoo just notices now the bumps on the ground. The first bike appears and then the second, the third. People start to cheer loudly as the racers begin to fly up in the sky, trying out the craziest acrobatics Myungsoo has ever seen. It is incredible, something he would see on TV and be amazed with. Sungyeol is smiling next to him, eyes fixed on the riders, hand on his shoulder.

"Do you like it?" He asks above the cheers. Myungsoo nods. Yeah, it is definitely fun. 

"How did you find out about it?" He is still surprised that Sungyeol is familiar with something like this and even more surprised that something like this actually happens next to his house, in their dead countryside town. 

"Some friends brought me here one day." He leans to Myungsoo's ear so he can hear him. "They've gotten really good. When it all started it was just two or three people racing with their bikes, now it's quite popular." Myungsoo looks around him and in fact, lots of people came to see. Probably students right after the end of school and college students who want to watch the show. It is fun. Sungyeol passes his arm around Myungsoo's shoulders to bring him closer and to explains to him in detail what is going on. He knows quite a lot about the jumps they are doing or even the racers names - some of them went to High School with them, he tells him. 

Sungyeol's arm feels heavy on his shoulder and Myungsoo's heart is pounding in his chest. 

They watch the show for a while, until they are both sweating under the sun and people are starting to leave. Sungyeol's hand is still on his back and Myungsoo can't bring himself to hate him anymore. He smiled more in a few hours than he did the last four years. He isn't used to it and his cheeks are hurting. 

They go back to the car and once they are seated and Myungsoo is about to tell Sungyeol how much he enjoyed it and that they should come back one day or another because he finally felt like being a part of his world, Sungyeol pushes him against the door and kisses him. His lips are warm and pressing and it makes Myungsoo tremble. For a moment, he thinks about pushing him away, yelling at him because it is exactly how he kissed that guy on the basketball court, but he can't bring himself to do so and instead he eagerly kisses him back, moving his own lips against Sungyeol's, gripping his t-shirt to bring him closer. Sungyeol licks his lower lip and Myungsoo can't contain a moan. They deepen the kiss and when they finally stop, they are both panting and Myungsoo isn't sure the sweat on his forehead really comes from the heat.

He missed this so much. He missed Sungyeol's touch, he missed everything. He feels alive again. 

When Sungyeol starts the car, tears are perking at the corner of Myungsoo's eyes. 

Sungyeol kisses him again that day, nibbling his lower lip with a smile when he parks in front of his house. It is an affectionate kiss, nothing like the lustful ones they shared when they were teenagers, but it has something so purely sweet in it that makes Myungsoo's insides tighten. He is still mad at Sungyeol. He still hasn't forgotten what happened but he can't help but melt against Sungyeol's lips and let out a sound of disapproval when he pulls out. Myungsoo is angry at himself because of that. A bitter anger which reminds him how easy he is when it comes to Sungyeol. 

 

 

A few days later, after more walks and more drives around the town, Sungyeol invites him over. His room doesn't look really different from what Myungsoo remembers. It feels strange; entering a place which is stuck in the past. It still has the same old CDs no one listens to anymore, the same old childlike blankets which contrast strangely with the man Sungyeol became. It is strangely similar, yet different. 

Myungsoo sits on the bed and takes a minute to remind himself of the few times he has been allowed to come here. There weren't many but he still has a precise memory of each one of them.

He buries his head in Sungyeol's pillow and it smells just like him. It would have been nice if he kept some of Sungyeol's clothes after he left. It would have been less painful if he had something that would make him feel less lonely. 

Sungyeol massages his nape slightly, kisses pressed in volutes along his neck and Myungsoo is glad he has his head buried in Sungyeol's pillow so he can't see his red eyes. It has been too long since life felt this easy; having Sungyeol next him, kissing on his bed like nothing else matters, being back in his hometown, feeling loved again. 

Myungsoo has never been into fairytales nor believed the stupid stories about soulmates but being close to Sungyeol again brings him back to years ago and he has the strange impression that nothing - nothing that really mattered - happened since then. There has only been Sungyeol for him and no one else. Nothing else was ever important.

 

Myungsoo didn't let anyone take him since Sungyeol. There has been his roommate in University of course - Sunggyu - but it was different. It wasn't anything like the sensations Sungyeol's touches bring to him. He was convenient and nice and he helped him live with the pain but he wasn't Sungyeol. There was a lack of intensity, a lack of feelings and it is all Myungsoo craves for when he is with Sungyeol. He always compares everyone with him and now that he is indeed with him, Myungsoo isn't sure he'll be able to endure it. It is already too strong, too passionate, too much.

Sungyeol makes Myungsoo lie face down on the bed. He can't see him like that but all the touches and brushes of fingertips against skin are suddenly more overwhelming. He is focused on Sungyeol's hands roaming over his back, tingling him in all the right places, just like he still remembers exactly what he has to do. Myungsoo is already sweating and panting and Sungyeol barely started yet. It has been so long. He is experiencing the same fear and anticipation he did the first time Sungyeol made love to him. It feels like starting all over again ; with the insecurity, the fragile trust and the painful love making it hard to breath and to think straight. 

Sungyeol barely puts two fingers in and Myungsoo, who almost forgot the ardor of the feeling, gasps loudly. Sungyeol kisses his neck and his shoulders blades gently to shush him. "Is it okay?" He asks and Myungsoo can hear - even head hidden in the pillow - the lust and need in his voice. Myungsoo can't help but clench around his fingers at this, at Sungyeol hovering over him, at the thought of Sungyeol wanting him again. "Did you let anyone..." He doesn't have to finish his question, pushing his fingers deeper in, before Myungsoo shakes his head, muttering a "no" and Sungyeol licks a wet stripe near his shoulder, satisfied. Sungyeol is always satisfied by the way he can make Myungsoo bend and obey and love him stronger than anyone else.

Myungsoo's legs widen on their own will when Sungyeol pushes the third finger in and he presses his ass back on it. It is just starting feeling good, the uncomfortable sting of first times is slowly disappearing, letting the pleasure creeping up in his body. And even if it doesn't, the simple thought of having Sungyeol inside him again is enough to make things good enough. 

Sungyeol hums right next to his ear, kissing his temple as to ask if he is ready. Myungsoo nods against the cushion and his cock throbs in anticipation, already leaking against the mattress. He is forever ready for everything Sungyeol has to give him.

Sungyeol settles him in the middle of the bed, lying him on his back where he is finally able to look at him ; with cheeks flushed and a intense desire sparkling in his eyes. He opens his legs with delicate pushes and steadies his hands on his hips, just like he used to do and Myungsoo feels like crying. He can see that Sungyeol is as excited as he is - if not even more - by the way he applies the lube messily on his cock and pins Myungsoo to the bed with his weight, like he wants to make sure he feels everything ; from his burning gaze to his body sliding against his.

The stretch burns at first but Myungsoo missed it and he moans loudly anyway, gripping Sungyeol's shoulders to try to hold back the orgasm already perking up in his stomach. 

It is too much, almost agonizing. He won't be able to take it. Sungyeol's teeth sink in the skin next to his collarbone and Myungsoo whines, his whole body trembling, sweating buckets, eyes tightly shut, legs wrapped around Sungyeol's waist and fingers digging in his arms. 

When Sungyeol finally starts moving, burying himself deeper with just a quick snap of his hips, not strong enough to be called a thrust, Myungsoo's mouth falls open in a quiet moan. Just then, Sungyeol let out a shaky breath he seems to have been holding right to his ear, "Fuck, you're so tight, Myungsoo-ah," he gasps. Myungsoo's legs immediately tighten around him to bring him closer - as close as he can -, as to prevent him from going anywhere else. He isn't even sure Sungyeol will be able to move properly without him coming right away. It is so intense, so erotic that the thought only of Sungyeol filling him is enough to put him on the edge. He missed this intimacy, this kind of total proximity and his heart is about to burst in his chest. 

And yet Myungsoo can't help it but start drawing needy circles with his hips, too impatient, already begging for his release to come. "Hyung, please," he sighs and immediately Sungyeol shifts, almost pulling out entirely before pushing back in slowly - painfully slowly - and the sensation is indescribable. Myungsoo starts shaking, trying to push himself back up desperately against Sungyeol every time he pulls out. 

Just then, after a few minutes, just enough to make Myungsoo grind fervently against him, Sungyeol passes an arm under his middle and moves him up on his lap. This way the angle is different, Myungsoo taller than Sungyeol and he is the one to have to push himself up and then down on Sungyeol's cock. Sungyeol never did this before and Myungsoo cries out the first time he moves himself up and back down and Sungyeol's hardness hits his prostate right away. 

Sungyeol's hips are jerking upwards and he is staring at him with something in his eyes so sensual that Myungsoo, already trembling all over, can feel the tightening knot in his stomach signaling his orgasm already nearing. Sungyeol doesn't even have to touch him as he is grinding himself down at a frantic pace on him. They kiss sloppily and when it becomes too difficult, they just hold each other gaze, letting their moans fill the room. Sungyeol always looked beautiful but right now, lips parted, brows furrowing and face crumpled in pleasure, he looks stunning. 

One last thrust in which Myungsoo almost lifts himself off his cock and then sinks back in, Sungyeol's fingers digging in his lower back and Myungsoo's mouth opens to let out a loud moan and he comes all over their chests, cum reaching up to their nipples and collarbones. 

Sungyeol groans, eyes fluttering close and grabs Myungsoo's ass to lift him up for two other thrusts and then burying himself deep inside him, he shudders and gasps. Myungsoo swallows his moan with a kiss and finally, they collapse on the bed, Myungsoo on top of him, head in the crook of his neck, breathing irregular and both of them dry-heaving until their throats hurt. Sungyeol's softening cock slips out of him and he can feel himself dripping on the bed. Sungyeol moves his hand down his back to his still stretched hole, tracing over the rim with his finger and Myungsoo shivers, the need to push himself back on him still here. 

Myungsoo realizes that Sungyeol never let him take charge before like he did tonight ; it has always been him thrusting and directing things but for the first time, he let Myungsoo do what he wanted. His heart is pounding and he can't repress the smile creeping on his face. It has been so different ; they aren't horny teenagers having sex anymore, it is something new, something that makes Myungsoo's heart swells.

"How was it?" Sungyeol whispers, stroking his back and kissing his cheek. Sungyeol never asked how it was before.

"It was-" And Myungsoo can't find the right word so instead he kisses him again and asks him to stay for the night. 

Sungyeol stays many nights after that. The whole summer. His mother is all happy and can't stop complementing them on how good they look together. She is still careful around Sungyeol and Myungsoo can't blame her but seeing her son smile again slowly eases her anger and one day she even prepares cherries and ice cream for them. Myungsoo eats it all and he doesn't even protest when Sungyeol tries to put ice cream on his nose.

Summer passes by quickly, light-headed and carefree, with Sungyeol on his side. It is already near the end of summer break when Myungsoo finds himself packing his stuff quietly in his room. He is quite excited to go back to college. He didn't draw as much as he wanted to during the summer and he misses it.

They didn't really took time talk about them - about their future - with Sungyeol and Myungsoo doesn't want to ask in fear of being deceived again. What if Sungyeol decides he doesn't want to see him again after all this? It is stupid, of course, but Myungsoo still feels insecure. He will always be probably.

Sungyeol comes in his room once he is almost finished with organizing his clothes in his bag. He plops on the bed heavily and watches him for a while. It is comforting; Sungyeol chilling in his room, without talking much, without any awkward silences between them. Myungsoo almost expects Sungyeol to lit a cigarette and to go smoke it at the window but instead he comes to sit besides him on the floor.

"Myungsoo-ah?" Myungsoo raises his head to look at him.

"Um? What?" He replies distractedly, trying the ignore the seriousness in Sungyeol's voice and the slight tremor in his hands.

"You remember I told you I was going to quit college?" He seems to sense Myungsoo's anxiety because he puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "So I was thinking, maybe I could go with you." He is hesitant. "You know, looking for a job while you'll be going to college and then maybe-" He looks at him expectantly, "maybe we could move out together once we get enough money. I mean, if you'd like, I won't force you." Tears are already about to spill out of Myungsoo's eyes when Sungyeol finishes talking. He has always been the kind to take decisions without thinking but by the tentativeness in his voice Myungsoo wants to believe he considered it for a while before asking.

"Y-yeah, I'd like it. Let's do this." He mutters but his voice is strained with sobs. Sungyeol reaches for him and pulls him against his chest. He kisses his forehead again and again, until Myungsoo calms down and tells him how happy and excited he is. Maybe it is all happening too quickly but it is Sungyeol and right now is the best he felt in his whole life ; Sungyeol wanting to have something with him. Something serious. Something real.

 

 

**V.**

 

 

It takes two weeks for Sungyeol to find a job in the town Myungsoo is going to University. He has been hired in a car factory. He didn't complete college but he still acquired the basics of mechanics. It is just something in between before he can find something better. He is happy with it nonetheless, he says, but Myungsoo knows him very well and can tell that he doesn't really like it. Settling up and working isn't something Sungyeol will ever like anyway. He probably gave up on his studies, hoping he would find a better future, a thrilling one, but he needs money and real life isn't so easy that you can leave everything and become adventurous. When Sungyeol was a kid, he always said he wanted to become an explorer ; someone like Indiana Jones who would discover hidden treasures and civilizations. He wanted to escape from the repetitive and boring life they were living. Adults would always tell him he was imaginative and bright. The truth was that he never really fit within the society's commonness.

He knocks at Myungsoo's door with his new contract as soon as he gets it and kisses him everywhere on his face. Myungsoo is smiling. Sungyeol is definitely staying. 

It almost doesn't feel real, the life they start living after that. Myungsoo is lazily going to his classes while forgetting half of the time to do his homework and usually squirms on his seat the whole day, waiting for the end of it when Sungyeol is going to join him on the campus after finishing his own work. They usually go eat something together, walk a bit, sometimes go on a date and then back to Myungsoo's room. He isn't allowed to have a non student roommate in the dorm and because of that Sungyeol rented a small flat in the city. The truth is, Sungyeol is spending most of his nights at Myungsoo's and most of his stuff are there anyway. 

Myungsoo manages to graduate - with difficulties and his teachers scolding him for not being concentrated enough. His University organizes this huge ceremony and this big party. Ordinarily, Myungsoo would have avoid it or be too uncomfortable to go but Sungyeol insists, saying that it is something that happens only once in his lifetime, arguing that he wants to go with him since himself didn't had one and since Myungsoo missed their High School's graduation, he should at least go to his college's one. 

It is a sunny day and Myungsoo is sweating on his seat while waiting for his name to be called to receive his diploma. 

There is some kind of satisfaction at being here with Sungyeol. Something Myungsoo should be proud of. Something he will remember. His mother is here too; she came to the city just for his graduation and she has this look on the whole day ; like she is holding back her tears. Myungsoo knows for sure that for once it is tears of joy of finally seeing her son succeeding in something. He is graduating from University, he is just about to start his life, to start looking for a job and he has a nice boyfriend to begin his life with. It is everything Myungsoo thought he'll never have. It is almost too perfect, like something he would see on a drama or admire in other people's lives. Having it for himself feels surreal. 

But Sungyeol is really here, holding his hand, congratulating him. He even kisses him in front of the other students and Myungsoo almost cries at that because it means they are something. Something more than just two teenagers in love. They are about to start they lives together.

 

After his graduation, Sungyeol offers that they go on a trip together. He won enough money during the past year to go somewhere far away for a few weeks. Myungsoo is skeptical. He never went on a trip overseas before - it is scary - and besides he thinks that Sungyeol should save the money he earned. Sungyeol retorts that it doesn't matter. They should use it now. Myungsoo is going to start working soon anyway, they will have plenty of money to survive. 

He finally agrees. Because it is Sungyeol asking and he can go anywhere with him. 

 

They land in the morning, tired after the night in the plane and Myungsoo already panicks as he tries to understand where they are supposed to get their luggages. When they step out of the airport, they choke on the thick and humid air, making their hair and skins feel dirty.

Their trip starts like this ; getting lost in the airport and arguing with the taxi driver to get to their hotel. Myungsoo is a bit scared, being in a country he doesn't know, with people speaking a different language and with different customs. But Sungyeol is smiling, jumping excitedly in his seat, looking out the window with big eyes and mouth open. Myungsoo never imagined he would do something like this and there is something particularly romantic at being miles away from their home with the one he loves. They have known each other since forever, for too long maybe, and Myungsoo knows everything about everything about Sungyeol. Yet, he feels like traveling with him is going to show him another side of him. Maybe the one he doesn't know about, maybe what happened during the four years they were apart.

It has been a year since they got back together and they learned to live with each other again - not that they had really forgotten - but they grew up and Myungsoo is certain that one year isn't enough to fill the four missing ones. 

They stay at the hotel only one night because Sungyeol decides that there is no point in going to a foreign country to stay in a hotel. He spreads a huge map on the floor the first night - Myungsoo didn't know those still existed - and points the place he wants to go to. The names are exotic and brings colorful images to Myungsoo's mind. He likes it. He is quite excited too actually, being on his own with Sungyeol, far away from civilization, walking around in an unknown country, discovering things together. 

Of course, he dreads this experience a bit, knowing that it won't be as easy as it seems and that maybe they will undergo hardships and fights but he is confident, he wants to try it out. He wants to see every sides of Sungyeol - even the ugly ones, even the ones he is hiding - and he wants Sungyeol to do the same with him. This way, they will be able to grow a strong bond, stronger than the one they had until now, stronger than the pain they inflicted to each other. A bond based of trust. Mutual trust. Unconditional trust. Maybe Myungsoo is a dreamer, an irrational idealist but he can't help but believe that what they have is precious and he wants to protect it.

Their first destination is a famous mountain. Myungsoo doesn't know much about mountains and is indeed surprised - mouth gaping, chills running down his spine - when they reach it and it is standing proudly in front of them, so tall and large, covered with lush vegetation which makes Myungsoo feels suddenly really tiny and nugatory. They took a bus and then hitch-hiked to get there. It took them one full day but it was definitely worth it. 

Myungsoo's legs feels numb and his muscles are sore but Sungyeol keeps saying that it is the best thing he ever done in his life and he is holding him by his waist so it is fine. 

They walk around the surroundings for a bit, enjoying the nature and the calm. It is almost suffocating how peaceful everything is around there. They climb a bit of the mountain, just enough so they can visit the ancient temple built there. Myungsoo never had any interest in history but it is fascinating, seeing something that survived through time and will probably stay there for a long time in the future too.

 

Their first argument breaks out a week later when their skins are slowly getting tanned and they are developing muscles. Myungsoo feels dirty all the time now because of the air's humidity and the heat and the lack of chances to wash their clothes they had. They stayed in a small motel one night - when they actually crossed a city hidden in a hollow -, met the inhabitants and shared a meal with them. The rest of the time, they sleep a tent - the one Sungyeol is carrying - and even though it is uncomfortable and cold, it feels magical - being able to hear all the sounds of the night, of the nature, seeing the stars clearer than he ever saw them before and hugging Sungyeol all night long until the sun wakes them up. 

It was fine until now. Myungsoo enjoyed it. It was nothing like what he did before, it was surprising and scary but thrilling in an addicting way.

But after Sungyeol had decided he wanted to see the ocean and Myungsoo agreed because the ocean is cool and beautiful, things worsened. He did not expect them to walk for hours without meeting a car or a human, feet hurting and then almost running out of water.

When he asks Sungyeol if they are lost, he just snorts, telling him to shut up and to economize his strength. He does that for a while, until he realizes that there is no way they are going to be able to reach the ocean by the end of the day like Sungyeol predicted and that when they usually meet people or cities on their way where they buy food ; they are now in the middle of nowhere. 

Myungsoo doesn't panic at first, because he is with Sungyeol and he won't let him die, but then he remembers that no one knows where they are, no even his mother and that they could die without anyone knowing or caring. 

"Hyung, just admit it," he pleads after a while, when they are sitting back against rocks and surrounded by nothing but nature, jungles and mountains. "I won't be mad, I promise." He adds but the anger - due to the fear and exhaustion - is already burning inside him. 

Sungyeol is on the edge too because of the lack of sleep, food and the frustration of having to keep walking when they don't know if they are going in the right direction. Myungsoo heard many stories about explorers' or tourists' bodies being found years after they died. Sungyeol's hands clench around the map and he hits his head against the rock behind him, he speaks louder and meaner than he did until now. "We are not fucking lost, okay? I just need to concentrate for a bit but I can't if you just keep talking."

Myungsoo sighs, annoyed. He wants to throw the water bottle at his face but he can't waste it. Instead, he curses under his breath and closes his eyes, enjoying the last warm moments before the sun will set completely. 

Two hours later, back on their feet, moving forward in the darkness, Myungsoo gives up. "For fuck's sake hyung, don't be stupid. We can't see a thing. Let's stop here for the night." He gestures to whatever is around them and hopes Sungyeol is going to agree because keep going in the darkness is the best way to get more lost than they already are. 

Sungyeol stops in his track and comes towards him, menacing. "No, we don't stop here for the night. It's dangerous. We keep going until we find something or someone."

"I'm not going." Myungsoo rarely disobeyed before but his legs are tired and he would rather stop now than continue without any indications. Maybe they will find their ways in the morning. When he lets himself fall on the floor and starts taking his duvet out of his bag, Sungyeol gets really mad.

"You're not going?," he growls, grabbing him by the shoulder to lift him up, but Myungsoo resists and shoves his hand away. He wouldn't have done it usually but he doesn't really care tonight.

Sungyeol keeps threatening him to leave without him for a while, yelling at him, hitting his head twice and finally gives up. 

It is when Myungsoo realizes that Sungyeol really did left without him that he starts panicking for real. 

"Hyung?" he calls. Once. Twice. Nothing. Myungsoo feels the air leaving his lungs to let panic set up instead. Sungyeol wouldn't leave him by himself in the middle of nowhere ; he knows that Myungsoo isn't good with directions and will most likely die very soon without him. "Hyung, come back, I'm sorry!" 

He calls for a while. Without an answer. Tears are pricking up his eyes and he is just about to break down when Sungyeol comes back. He didn't leave for long, a few minutes maybe but it has been enough for Myungsoo. He hates how much he is relying on him, how much he needs him for everything. Or maybe that is what he loves about their relationship, he isn't so sure anymore.

When Sungyeol throws the tent on the ground next to him, startling him and chuckling like he expected Myungsoo to react that way - childishly - anger raises up inside him. He didn't mean to do it, especially since it is pretty dark around them and he can barely distinguish Sungyeol's silhouette, but it is too late and his fist lends on his face, hard. It is something he imagined doing a lot, he never suspected it would actually happen in such conditions. 

"What the fuck, Myungsoo?" Sungyeol spats, obviously shocked. "Want me to leave you again?" He menaces and the thought only is terrifying. He pushes him hard with his palms on his chest, making Myungsoo falls on the ground and he doesn't dare raising his head to look at Sungyeol, who appears way more scary this way. Myungsoo shouldn't have hit him but he is tired and scared and he thought for a minute he was abandoning him. He isn't in his right mind. Sungyeol either obviously because he shouts at him again. "Answer me, Myungsoo! You want me to leave you again? You know I can."

Myungsoo shivers, sobs starting to take over him, "No, hyung. I'm sorry. Please don't leave." He mutters, suddenly ashamed to act like a kid being scolded but Sungyeol sighs, dropping next to him. 

"It's okay. We're both a nervous wreck. We should calm down. Fighting won't make us find our way." It is almost funny how Sungyeol can be so lunatic sometimes. Myungsoo nods, reassured, trying to gather up his thoughts, trying not to overthink what happened and the extremeness of their reactions. "You're right. We should sleep here for the night and see if we can find our way tomorrow," Sungyeol acknowledges and Myungsoo smiles weakly, wiping his tears quickly to help him set up the tent. 

When they are finally lying down in the warmth of their duvets, Sungyeol apologizes ; "I'm sorry for getting us lost. I should have been more attentive." His voice is small but their surroundings are so quiet that Myungsoo hears it anyway. He shifts on his side to come closer and presses a kiss to his lips. It has been a while since they last kissed. It tastes like blood and Myungsoo feels guilty.

"Does it hurt?" He inquires tentatively. 

Sungyeol chuckles. "No, don't worry." He kisses his temple and nuzzles his nose in the back of his neck where his hair are all sweaty from the day and they fall asleep just like this. 

 

The next day they realize the ocean is just fifteen minutes away from where they were sleeping and they meet nice people who invite them over for breakfast and a shower. 

 

It is beautiful. The water is of clear blue and so transparent that Myungsoo can see every single colorful fish swimming around him. It is warm and soft against his skin and they play inside until their bodies are all wrinkled, splashing water at each other, drowning the opponent, trying to catch fishes and stopping to trade slow kisses when they get tired. He spends time admiring Sungyeol's tanned skin, his incredibly long legs and his gaze gets lost in the droplets of water making his body glisten. It feels great - almost like paradise.

 

The second fight they have is because Sungyeol forgets to spray the mosquito repellent on himself in the morning and by the evening he is lying on the ground, strong fever knocking him out and feeling sick. Myungsoo thinks he is faking it at first because they are supposed to leave the monks they are staying with today to go to their next destination - a city - and Sungyeol kept saying he wanted to stay here longer. But when Myungsoo hears him complain that he is cold when he is sweating and his forehead is burning, he realizes that he is indeed sick.

He tries to ask what it can be, if it is something that happens often around here but nobody can tell him. They help him to the closest hospital - which is more of a small house with one doctor and three nurses who takes good care of the monks and the rare people living around here. 

Myungsoo barely understands that it comes from a mosquito and that it will take him at least one week to recover. At that, he gets angry, because Sungyeol isn't someone who would forget such thing easily and he really has been reckless to do it. 

He waits for him to recover enough - a week just like the doctor predicted - and when Sungyeol is able to eat properly on his own and the fever decreased enough so he can hold a proper conversation, he finally scolds him. "Hyung, fuck- what were you thinking?" He is standing next to his bed, arms crossed and with the most serious expression he can come up with. "Do you actually realize that you could have died?"

Sungyeol - for once - isn't replying, lowering his head, nodding. "I'm sorry," he breathes out instead, seizing Myungsoo's hand in his. "I'll be careful from now on." He promises with a smile - a gummy one.

Myungsoo lets out a sigh, feeling exhausted after worrying so much and staying up for almost a week in fear that something might go bad and the doctor wouldn't be able to do anything. He couldn't even understand most of things he was saying so he wasn't really aware of Sungyeol's condition ; seeing him finally back to himself feels good. For once, Myungsoo has been the one taking care of him, the mature one, the one who protected him and he can't help but think that it is a big step in their relationship. When it always used to be Sungyeol who was in charge, now it is going toward a more equal relationship. 

Beside that, Myungsoo is pretty sure they got closer. It is really different from being with each other back at home. Here, they are spending their whole time together, twenty-four hours a day, speaking only between themselves as they can't understand any other languages. They sure meet people - nice ones -, have some conversation, but at the end of the day, it is always them together, on their own, supporting each other. 

Sungyeol laugh when they are finally leaving - in the doctor's car who agreed to drive them to the next city as Sungyeol is still too weak for the whole journey by feet - and admits lightly ; "I thought I was going to die too, you know." He wraps his arm around Myungsoo's shoulder, bringing him to his chest. "Thank you." He whispers, kissing the hot skin behind his ear.

 

Their last destination before going back - Myungsoo tries not to think about that - is a small island, well-known because it used to be a volcano and it is now full of ruins and beautiful houses. It is quite touristic compared to everything they saw until now but it is also quite exciting ; being back to civilization after being surrounded for a while by nature only. 

They take a small boat to get there and rent a room in a famous hotel - using the money they have left from Sungyeol's year of work. It is situated in one of the high point of the island, offering them a nice view on the sea and on the rest of the city.

They visit the first day, walking around the small streets and getting lost in the ruins, admiring the immensity of the water before them. They dine in a fancy restaurant at night, watching the sun slowly going down, coloring the earth in a mix of pink and orange. 

Myungsoo feels sad, or maybe nostalgic, - even though he can't say it - because they are going back soon ; tomorrow evening. They spent two months together, living the most incredible experiences they ever had. He got to know Sungyeol in a new way, learnt to live with him and suddenly having to leave all that feels like leaving a dream for a nightmare.

Myungsoo is anxious about their return ; fearing that maybe their relationship will go downhill. They have been so close those months that it would feel terrible to suddenly grow apart. 

Things he forgot about during their trip come back to his mind ; him having to look for a job when going back, having to deal with real things that don't seem to matter right now, seeing Sungyeol leave for work every morning too. All that, he doesn't want to do it. He was scared when starting this adventure but now he doesn't want it to end. Sungyeol too, probably, because he isn't speaking much and his face is already full of emotions. 

Both of them are thinking about what they lived but none of them dare treating it like a memory yet. Later. For now, it isn't over just yet.

They make love that night. In their hotel room. It isn't a usual hotel room, it is just a bedroom and bathroom in a regular house - a one ground one, like every single house in the island. It is cozy and comfortable.

Sungyeol presses him to the mattress and before he can even protest or ask him to close the window because people might hear Sungyeol has already open his shirt and is mouthing his chest downwards, across his stomach until he reaches his pants and before Myungsoo can register that they are being taken off, along with his boxers, Sungyeol is biting and kissing the inside of his thighs.

It is much more softer and gentler than what they are used to. Myungsoo is almost careful with touching Sungyeol, only reaching for the places he knows he likes to be stimulated. It is made of kisses and strokes, fingers dragging along Myungsoo's spine, fingernails scraping against Sungyeol's back when he finds his prostate, hot panting muffled by skin and mouths. 

Myungsoo comes while lying on his back, underneath Sungyeol whose hips converts from slow rolls into quick snapping and hard thrusts, leaving Myungsoo moaning loudly and tightening as well his legs around his waist as his arms around his neck, back involuntary arching off the bed in what might be the most intense orgasm of his life. Sungyeol follows soon after, chanting his name against the soft skin of neck, groaning louder than he ever did and gasping for air as he rides the last moments of pleasure.

When he pulls out Myungsoo is still oversensitive, walls continuously twitching and almost protesting at the sudden loss. 

They sleep limbs tangled together, naked and window opened and Myungsoo only wakes up when the sun hitting his skin becomes too hot to be ignored. 

 

 

Going back to reality is painful. Their come back coincides with the end of the summer and Myungsoo is sad to come to the realization that their tan won't last long. 

 

As soon as they get back, Sungyeol resigns from the car factory and gets himself hired in an aerospace manufacturing company. The job pays a lot more and Sungyeol is much more excited to work in this field of the industry than he was with the previous one. He gets hired because of his skills - despite his lack of studies - and Myungsoo can tell that he is proud of it.

They move to a new apartment almost at the same time. It is big - "too big" Myungsoo complains but deep inside, he likes it. Because it is their own place.

Summer is near the end and days are made of intoxicating heat and wind when Myungsoo finds his first job. He doesn't have many choices - nor many companies he can apply to - with an Art and Design degree but he is confident in his drawings abilities and when he goes to a job interview at this advertising company, they promise him that all he is going to have to do all day is drawing; turning their ideas for ads into visuals. Myungsoo is more than satisfied with that. He never had the dream of becoming an artist and being an employee is perfectly fine for him. He will earn enough money to have a comfortable life and have enough time to be with Sungyeol.

Sungyeol offers that they go home, to their parents, a few days after he signed his contract - to celebrate, to tell them about their trip, to see their relatives one last time before starting their lives together - but Myungsoo is starting his job really soon and can't. Sungyeol decides to stay with him. Myungsoo wants to ask why he always wants to go his parents when they obviously aren't that great but doesn't dare asking.

Experiencing the summer in the city by the windows of their apartment is a new feeling. The heat is worsening due to the city's pollution, making it hard to breath and the streets are always extremely loud. Even the nights seem hot, so hot that it is almost unbearable. So different from the chilly nights - contrasting with the sunny days - they had back home in the summer. Rain never seem to happen during this season in the city. There is nothing to cool down the heat.

They remain lock inside because of that. They both have one week break before they start their new jobs and Myungsoo is excited - anxious but excited.

All Myungsoo can remember from this week is heating pre-cooked meals in the microwave, lying naked on the living room floor next to the fan and Sungyeol's smile. Sungyeol is all over him, kissing him, touching him all the time, panting heavily against his cheek, pressing him against the counter of the kitchen when he is doing the dishes, drawing an arm around his waist, forcing him to stand on his tiptoes, back curving obscenely as he pushes himself inside. During that week, Myungsoo feels asleep late at night, usually without remembering if how many times he came during the day and unsure if the lacing pain in his back will ever disappear. 

They have sex a lot. Everywhere. And Sungyeol never seem to get tired of it, never seem to get tired of sucking Myungsoo's skin, of leaving marks in places only Myungsoo knows about. In a way it is all Myungsoo ever dreamt of. Being just the two of them, living in a world of their own, without anyone else. Sungyeol is here only for him and Myungsoo is the only thing he needs all day long. Myungsoo thinks that maybe it is the aftermath of their trip. They are slowly recovering from the exhaustion and emotions they went through and enjoying the new bond and intimacy they built. It is as if they forgot for a while about everything else and are only able to see each other. Myungsoo never thought it will be humanly possible to withstand such strong relationship and feelings for someone else. But it is.

When the day comes for them to go to work, Myungsoo can't believe it is happening. He has almost forgotten he has obligations, because he has Sungyeol and Sungyeol blinded him for a moment, making him oblivious of the rest of the world.

Myungsoo is happy. 

So happy that he almost cries when he has to leave on the morning and Sungyeol whispers in his ear he should come back home quickly because he will be waiting for him. His heart sinks a little on his way to his new company, but rejoices at the thought of Sungyeol waiting for him. There is actually someone waiting for him, longing for him and just that is enough. 

 

The office is big and shiny and they give Myungsoo a room for himself. The other employees are running around and don't seem to really notice him but it is fine with him. He doesn't really care anyway. He is just here to draw.


	4. Chapter 4

**VI.**

 

 

 

Sungyeol has never been one to get easily angry or jealous. He always had a laid back attitude. He is serious, truthful and probably more mature than Myungsoo will never be and yet he never appeared to be affected by many things. Sometimes it pisses Myungsoo off to see that he is able to deal with everything in such a cool and disinterest way but Myungsoo never voices it, afraid that he will interpret it as him not being satisfied, not accepting him for who he is. Because Myungsoo is indeed very satisfied. Even Sungyeol's apathetic attitude he likes it, he admires it in a way because, he, never succeeded in keeping his emotions hidden. Everything he thinks, he feels, people can see it right away displayed on his face. When he is happy he is smiling wide with dimples showing, when he is sad his eyes are red with tears, when he is anxious he licks his lips nervously. Everything. All the time. And Sungyeol knows exactly how to interpret every single ones of his expressions. He can tell by a look in the morning if Myungsoo is in a good mood, what he is thinking, what he is feeling. It is both a pro and a con of having known each other for so long.

On the contrary, Sungyeol isn't so easily grasped. He always keeps a straight face - at least most of the time - and Myungsoo always has a hard time guessing what is going on in his head. Especially during the past few weeks, when Sungyeol suddenly goes mad over nothing - or not much - and directs mean comments towards Myungsoo.

The first time they fight badly is one those evenings when Sungyeol comes home really late and Myungsoo stays awake until he comes back, unable to sleep, sick with worries. Myungsoo has never been able to sleep well on his own but more particularly since he got used to sleep next to Sungyeol. It has never felt right to go to bed alone, to close his eyes on an empty spot on the other side of the bed. 

Sungyeol comes home later and later these days. He used to come back almost at the same time as Myungsoo and if he wasn't he usually texted him that he had a lot of work to do. Usually. He doesn't bother texting lately. He just comes home when he wants to and gets irritated if Myungsoo ask about it. At first, Myungsoo put it on the stress he is receiving at work. He doesn't work in an easy field, especially since he changed jobs, and since he gave up on college too early to graduate, he is probably looked down on by his coworkers and has to work twice as much as the others to hope for a better salary and position. Myungsoo understands it. He never really cared about his career or what he is doing as long as he has enough money to eat and survive. It isn't like that for Sungyeol. He is much more social, much more interested in the world's reality and loves his job. It matters to him to have a good social position and to earn a lot of money. So Myungsoo doesn't really worry at first, but it slowly changes. Because Sungyeol comes home later and later and there is no way he is still working at those hours and he still refuses to talk about it, telling Myungsoo to get a life, to stop stalking him, to give him space. Myungsoo can't understand that because beside Sungyeol he has no one and he doesn't care about anyone else. And Sungyeol knows it. He knows it too well. He is just hurting him by saying that, showing him that he isn't as dependent of him as he is.

Myungsoo tries to question him several times ; over a dinner, after sex, in the morning before work but every time Sungyeol sighs loudly and acts like Myungsoo is being an irrational child. He isn't. He is certain of what he is saying. It already happened once in the past and he can't let Sungyeol slowly get away from him twice. He just can't. He won't be able to survive if it happens again. Besides, it is different this time. They actually settled down together, they are living together, Sungyeol even said he loved him. It is different and Myungsoo can't give up on that.

So one night he waits. He waits until Sungyeol comes back and confronts him. He needs to know what changed, what he did wrong, if Sungyeol suddenly grew tired of him.

"Where were you?" He asks, trying not to sound accusative but he is because Sungyeol just shrugs in annoyance.

"Are we going to have this talk again, Myungsoo? I already told you to give me some space. It's none of your business what I'm doing. You're not my father." He is getting mad again, throwing his coat on the couch, avoiding his eyes, raising his voice. Sungyeol took the habit to compare Myungsoo to his father when he is mad at him and Myungsoo hates it because he is nothing like his father. Myungsoo doesn't even know what being or having a father is like. 

"I'm not being childish, Sungyeol." It is rare when Myungsoo actually drops the honorifics to call him by his name. It always makes Sungyeol flinch, but he wants to get his attention. "I can feel you're slowly drifting away from me. I can't let that happen without saying anything. I want to know what's going on. You own me that at least. Telling me why you suddenly get mad over everything, why you come home late and pissed off. Did I do something wrong?" He doesn't mean to sound so desperate but he really is and it only seems to anger Sungyeol a bit more.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Why don't you stop creating those crazy scripts of yours and go to sleep?" If he didn't know Sungyeol better, Myungsoo would have thought he was drunk because there is no way the Sungyeol he knows could ever talk to him like this. 

"I'm not going until you answered me." His voice cracks and he tries to hold back his tears. He hates this kind of situations and he hates having to rebel in front of Sungyeol even more.

They go on like this for a while, Myungsoo doesn't know how long exactly, but long enough so they are both mad at each other, - crying, screaming, cursing, - so long that Sungyeol refuses to sleep in the same bed and collapses on the couch, refusing to talk anymore. It is the first night they don't sleep together and Myungsoo cries so much that night that he is exhausted the next day at work.

 

"Grow up, Myungsoo. You're not seventeen anymore," Sungyeol yells a few days later as they are fighting again and the words get stuck in Myungsoo's head for days. What does it mean? Maybe it is the problem; Myungsoo always relying on Sungyeol when he wishes he could date someone more normal, more independent but Myungsoo has no idea of how to live on his own, how to be without Sungyeol. He can't remember the moment they let that happen, they let their relationship turn out like this.

It is around that time that they met Yunseo. Well actually, Myungsoo meets her. She works at his office. She is a cute girl whose job is making coffee for everyone and she is always cursing under her breath because she is aware she has the shittiest job ever. Because of that, she is scary and Myungsoo avoids her. He doesn't drink coffee so it is easy. Even if he did, he wouldn't ask her.

He never really talked to her until that one day - late at night, when Myungsoo already lost track of time as he is working - when she barges in his office. Myungsoo stupidly thought he was the last one left working at this hour but he was obviously wrong. He jumps on his seat and he draws by mistake an ugly shaky line on his paper, meaning that he will have to start all over again. Shit.

"Ah!" She exclaims like she just caught a kid red-handed. "I knew you were still here!" She comes in and drops heavily on the seat in front on his desk. "Wait, where are you going?" She interrupts as Myungsoo is about to stand up and ready to leave. He does not feel like staying in his office with her.

"Uh-that-I have to go home." He explains awkwardly. "It's late." He states then, flustered because he knows he isn't good at lying. Sungyeol won't be home before dawn so he has nothing and no one waiting for him at home and lots of work to finish up, that's why he stays there late. But he won't stay if this girl insist to stick with him.

"Wait, stay there a bit." Myungsoo sits back on his seat, not really wanting to piss her off. "I have something to ask you." She adds, almost whispering.

That night Myungsoo actually learns that she completed the studies to become copywriter but only succeeded in getting hired to make coffee in the company. She needs Myungsoo - as he is the head of the design department - to promote her ideas for the next campaign. Myungsoo would have usually say no because he isn't someone who takes care of other people problems and he doesn't have any authority on the boss anyway but she actually ends up begging him when he refuses, telling him that he is her only chance, that she is desperate and she will do anything. Myungsoo has to accept.

She isn't that scary after all. 

After that, she gets promoted because she is good. Another girl gets hired to make coffee and Yunseo starts to stay with Myungsoo late at night at the office too. She usually doesn't talk much but works well ; they are constantly sharing ideas and drawings and they eventually become friends. She is always bright and laughing and she never says that Myungsoo is weird, even if he really is - staying in his office all the time and only getting out to go home to Sungyeol or to hand over his work to the boss. She is different from his other coworkers and Myungsoo learns to like her.

It is around one year after that Myungsoo invites her over for dinner, mostly because Sungyeol insisted, saying that he wants to meet his friend. He refuses at first because Sungyeol and him are still fighting a lot but he thinks of it as Sungyeol trying to make an effort and eventually accepts.

Sungyeol doesn't like Yunseo because she is too cheery and too loud and he finds it annoying. Myungsoo always enjoyed that side of her because it feels good to have someone like this around him, better than the heavy silence he is used to at least. He isn't even surprised when Sungyeol says he doesn't like her. The only thing is ; he wished Sungyeol would have hide it - his dislike - but on the contrary he didn't ; making comments the whole time and criticizing her job by arguing about how useless and immoral advertising is. Later, Yunseo tells him that she doesn't care about Sungyeol's attitude but Myungsoo does and he should have stand against Sungyeol and warn him to behave well. Instead, he ate in silence and sent an apologizing text to her after she left. 

He asks Sungyeol why he invited her if he was going to be like this but he just shrugs and scolds him that he should make better friends. Myungsoo never made friends before but he is pretty sure Yunseo is a good one. He is disappointed in Sungyeol for the first time and he hates it.

Sungyeol - who will never admit it - eventually grows to like her too. She is actually strong enough to talk back to him and never lets him go with any of his mean remarks. What was a tensed relationship slowly turns into friendly bickering and Myungsoo likes to think that he knows well how to choose his friends. Later, he understands that Sungyeol couldn't accept that he wasn't the only one Myungsoo relied on anymore, that he actually earned some social skills and could befriend people other than him. Sungyeol hates it, the feeling of not being unique for Myungsoo anymore, the fear that he might be replaced when Myungsoo only had eyes for him his whole life. Sungyeol likes the control and the admiration. He doesn't bear any competition. Maybe it is one of the reasons their relationship started to fall into pieces. Maybe it was the first step. Or maybe they were doomed to end from the beginning. Myungsoo would never know but he is sure that the entrance of Yunseo in their lives marked a great change in the way they dealt with each other. From that point, things started to worsen pretty badly ; even more than they were until now.

Myungsoo can't forgive Sungyeol because it is him who wanted them to live together. It is him who made him believe that something was possible between them. Myungsoo shouldn't have extended his hand to him as the basketball court. He should have ignore him. He regrets he didn't have the courage to do so at that time but deep inside he knows that if he has to, he will do the exact same thing again, despite the pain, despite having to witness their downfall.

 

They go back home only once. During summer. They both take a two weeks holiday after Myungsoo begged Sungyeol that they should escape the city a bit and go somewhere else, just the two of them. He doesn't quite expect that it will be going back to their parents. He can't complain though, it has been a while - a few years - since they visited and his mother is going to be happy. He just hoped they could have gone on holidays somewhere else, away from all that, where they would have been able to find back what they lost, exactly like they did the first time they got back together. 

The trip is horrible. They fight again ; in the car, when they arrive, when Sungyeol's parents decide to ignore Myungsoo because they still didn't completely accepted that their son is living with a man, all they do is fighting and Myungsoo is tired of it. He doesn't have any strength left. His mother watches at him from afar and advices him to be careful not to get hurt again.

He thought he would know Sungyeol forever but he is someone different now. Someone he doesn't understand anymore.

 

They meet a few days after their arrival in Myungsoo's room and for the first time, Myungsoo hates to see Sungyeol here. Sungyeol is scolding him again and Myungsoo isn't listening. It feels like it is the only conversations they have lately ; Sungyeol getting mad, Myungsoo listening, talking back and then avoiding each other eyes. It is barely bearable when it happens in their apartment but here, back in Myungsoo's room, where it all started, Myungsoo wants to punch Sungyeol for daring to bring hatred into this sacred place. They weren't supposed to be like that. Myungsoo's anger is boiling in his veins ; anger coming from sadness and desperation. He wants Sungyeol to shut up. He can't let him spoil his memories. Their memories.

It is in the mist of the blazing summer heat and Myungsoo claims Sungyeol's lips a bit too hungrily because it is the first time in weeks since he last kissed him and he missed it but also because he wants him to know how wrong he is, how much he is hurting him right now. He kisses him as if he wants to get under his skin and wound him. They probably shouldn't do that when his mother is downstairs cooking for lunch but Myungsoo can't help it ; it feels like it is their last chance. Sungyeol just went out of the shower but his nape is already sweaty. Myungsoo can't stop himself but reach for his long body, digging his blunt fingers into the white skin he missed so much.

Sungyeol tries to push him back harshly, angrily, but Myungsoo is already ruffling his clothes to take them off and he is so hurried that everything seems to take too long. They both know they shouldn't be fighting in here, because Myungsoo's mother isn't far and they don't want to scare her, she doesn't deserve it, so Sungyeol gives up, pushing his pants down his knees in surrender and kissing Myungsoo like he never did in months. Myungsoo feels something break inside him. He has to contain a sob when Sungyeol pushes two fingers inside him, raw, because he never did raw before but again they never had sex with such recklessness and fury before. Myungsoo isn't sure if Sungyeol wants to hurt him or is animated by an unbearable need but he closes his eyes and fists to endure the pain. He tries to convince himself that it is the second one ; that Sungyeol still has desire for him. He tries to remind himself that it is him Sungyeol is with and nobody else and that only, should be enough to make him happy. 

Myungsoo's skin is hot enough to burn Sungyeol's fingers. Hot and sweaty. Sungyeol doesn't even try to be caring and comforting and fucks him against the wall with a sense of desperation he never showed before. Myungsoo has to cover his mouth with his hand to muffle his screams until it becomes too much and he comes untouched with a loud gasp, Sungyeol's fingers gripping his hips hard enough to leave marks. Myungsoo hates how Sungyeol always manage to push all the rights buttons, to make him come when he is feeling so broken inside. Myungsoo started it - without thinking, with his usual boldness - but now he wishes it has never happened.

It is only when Sungyeol comes himself, deep inside him, that he loosens up his hold and kisses his shoulder blades lightly to soothe him a bit. It doesn't really work because Myungsoo is agitated by heavy sobs that won't die down and he can already feel how sore he is and how different it was from everything they did until now as he slumps down on the floor, forehead sliding down the wall. Sex isn't the solution to everything anymore. It only brings him more pain and the awful certainty that they lost each other a while ago.

Maybe Sungyeol did that to make him feel ashamed, to make him feel how much he hates him now, because there weren't any affection or love in this and it hurts Myungsoo's heart badly. Myungsoo hates himself for not being able to fix what is wrong in their relationship. He hates himself for not being able to change into someone Sungyeol will love and care about like he did in the beginning, but Sungyeol has always been free and independent. And maybe he never really loved Myungsoo anyway. Myungsoo has been convenient, living next door, he has helped him experiment, healed his heart when he needed it, gave him support when he was lost but he never really grasped what Sungyeol wanted. It was easier when they were young ; if Sungyeol found Myungsoo boring he could just go play with someone else and Myungsoo would understand. Maybe he would sulk a bit but Sungyeol would always come back in the end. Now, Myungsoo isn't sure Sungyeol will ever come back if he leaves and that's why he can't let him go, that's why he will take the pain and shame until the end.

Sungyeol changed in a way Myungsoo doesn't understand, because, he, himself, didn't change that much. He is still that lost kid who doesn't care much about people and reality. Myungsoo wishes he could give Sungyeol what he needs. He really wishes but he can't. And because of that he is terrified. Terrified that Sungyeol might leave him again. The fear never really disappeared but it is twice stronger now.

Their stay at their hometown is the hardest Myungsoo ever experienced. The worst is his mother's judgmental eyes, telling him that he should let go of him, that their relationship isn't healthy. Myungsoo knows but can't comply. Sungyeol will always be Sungyeol ; he is the only one he ever looked at and the only one he ever thought about. He can't change that. It started years ago and it is too late to back away now. Sungyeol became everything to him. 

 

They meet up with some of the people they were in High School with. Well, more like the people Sungyeol befriended when they were in High School. Myungsoo only knows their names because they grew up in the same neighborhood, beside that, he isn't even sure they ever spoke more than a few words to each other. 

They meet up in one of the guys' house. He lives a few blocks away from them and Myungsoo remembers clearly that he is one of the kids who would always pull at the girls' hair and be all noisy when they were kids. 

Myungsoo isn't really happy with going to this reunion since he doesn't have any memories to share with those people but Sungyeol says that if Myungsoo doesn't want to come, he will go without him. Sungyeol wouldn't have say that before. So Myungsoo follows. 

The party is all Myungsoo hates ; loud music and loud people chatting, happy to reunite after years. Almost all of them finished college already and are thrilled to meet up with their childhood friends. Even Sungyeol is laughing and can't stop bragging about his life and job while sipping up his beer. 

"What about you, Myungsoo?," A guy asks him, dropping next to him on the couch. He is startled that the guy even knows his name but then he remembers that he came with Sungyeol and Sungyeol is close with all these people. "I heard you're Sungyeol's roommate now?" Myungsoo almost chocks on his drink at that.

"Y-Yeah. I guess you can say that." He tries to smile but it comes out more like a scowl. It isn't like he expected Sungyeol to tell them about their relationship, it isn't like he cares about them knowing or not, especially after all the fighting they are going through lately, but he had hoped that maybe he would enjoy the recognition of being introduced as Sungyeol's boyfriend. These people are the ones they grew up, they are the ones who know how weird and lousy Myungsoo's personality is and he can't really blame Sungyeol for being embarrassed to be with him. Or maybe he is.

Myungsoo hates this party. He hates seeing Sungyeol laugh more tonight than he did during the past months with him. It was never like that. Sungyeol used to always smile and laugh with him. He isn't supposed to enjoy himself more when they are apart. 

Myungsoo wants to leave, to go home but then again he doesn't want to leave Sungyeol alone, to give him the satisfaction of seeing him give up because he can't overcome his lack of social skills. He is both angry and sad and that's why he doesn't refuse when someone offers him a joint. 

The smoke burns Myungsoo's throat. It is thicker than the cigarette's one and after a few minutes it makes his head dizzy and he is breaking into cold sweat. The sensation wouldn't have been that great if it didn't feel like he is suddenly more relaxed than he has ever been and that the world could end at that exact minute and he wouldn't care. "How is it?" One of the guy laughs and it takes him a few seconds to realize it is directed to him.

"Fine," he answers because he really doesn't feel like talking right now. He just wants to close his eyes and sleep or maybe stay awake to look at the stars. He isn't sure but both of them sound good. The joint comes back to him a third time and the guy tells him to finish it. 

It is funny that he gets to try this out just now when he went to college for years - a place where people are supposed to smoke all the time. But Myungsoo has never really been interested. He wouldn't be usually but right now he doesn't know where Sungyeol left and smoking feels like the best thing to do. 

That night reminds him of that time when they were twelve and Sungyeol went to camp without him. His parents decided that he should learn how to be on his own and send him away for two weeks - the longest weeks of Myungsoo's existence at that time. He was jealous of course, bored too because he had no one to play with, but mostly scared that Sungyeol would meet someone more fun than him, someone he would get close to because they lived awesome things together while Myungsoo wasn't there. He spent the two weeks waiting impatiently for Sungyeol, sulking because he didn't call once and complaining to his mother that he wanted to go to camp too. When Sungyeol came back he was tanned and he looked like he grew three years older. He was more independent, smarter and retorted that Myungsoo was stupid when he said he missed him. It was the first time Myungsoo ever felt any distance between them and he hated it. 

 

"Myungsoo? Are you alright?" A voice calls and he realizes he has been dozing off, the joint is almost fully consumed between his fingers and he is trembling. "Are you going to be sick?" The guy continues, face worried and patting his shoulder. His voice sounds strangely familiar but he can't recall his name.

"Where is Sungyeol?" Myungsoo manages to ask, standing up, finishing a cup remaining on the table to try to get off this weird feeling. 

"I'm not sure. In the garden probably." The guy shrugs, probably relieved to see that Myungsoo isn't going to puke on the couch and leaves right away. Myungsoo wants to go home. He doesn't feel good and even though he has no idea what time it is, it is probably late enough. 

He indeed finds Sungyeol in the garden, sitting on some plastic chair, smoking and laughing with a few others. 

"Wow, Myungsoo you look really pale," One of the guy comments and Myungsoo wants to answer back that it is bullshit since it is too dark to see anything but he is probably whiter than usual so he keeps quiet. Myungsoo is good at keeping quiet. 

"Wanna join us?" Someone else offers and Myungsoo agrees. It is when he sits on the chair next to Sungyeol that he notices the guy who commented on his skin. He didn't forget his face. Not even after so many years. Even if he only saw him once, years ago, in the darkness of a basketball court. 

Myungsoo's eyes widen and land on Sungyeol who doesn't even register his reaction. Myungsoo is so fucking angry he doesn't take time to think. 

He has never been a one to fight or to even enjoy it. As long as he remembers he even never properly fought with someone. But right now, he doesn't even think about anything else - and he is too drunk for that anyway -, he punches him right against his temple and the guy stumbles on his feet before falling on his butt.

 

 

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Sungyeol grunts, shooting stones angrily with his foot, "It was years ago for fuck's sake Myungsoo." Myungsoo bites the inside of his cheeks until he tastes blood. The hand with which he hit the guy is throbbing but he doesn't feel the pain yet. 

"Why was he here, Sungyeol? Is that why you wanted to go?" Myungsoo can't help but ask, voice hoarse and cracking. Sungyeol just sighs like he would do to a kid unable to understand something. "Did you meet him after what happened? Do you still meet him sometimes?" He continues, trying to force Sungyeol to stop walking and to look at him.

It isn't a proper moment to argue. They are on the streets, in the middle of the night, tired and drunk but Myungsoo can't control himself anymore. He is exhausted, he is jealous, he wants to know. "Answer me." He orders, trying to sound firm but it is more like a plea. Something changes on Sungyeol's face, something so subtle that it will be imperceptible to anyone else, but Myungsoo knows, because Myungsoo looked at this face for years, held that face between his hands for hours, spent nights kissing it and like that Myungsoo notices. 

"It was a long time ago, Myungsoo. It doesn't matter know. I-We-," He sighs again, pressing his palms against his eyes, "I'm with you now, right? Let's not fight again. I'm sorry." Myungsoo doesn't want to accept the apology but then Sungyeol is hugging him and the words get stuck in his throat. 

 

 

It is during the ride back to the city that Myungsoo realizes it is definitely over. He knows by the tense and heavy silence between them, by the way Sungyeol can't bring himself to say the things he thinks loud enough for Myungsoo to hear them. But even though Myungsoo knows, he can't say anything either, can't properly put an end to it. He will remain quiet and silent as long as possible, pushing back the moment when Sungyeol will finally find the courage to tell him face to face that they are over. Until then, he will try to forget about it, to pretend he doesn't know because Myungsoo isn't sure he will be able to survive without him. Sungyeol, on the contrary, will definitely live well without him and the thought makes him sick.

 

 

A few months later, Myungsoo goes to Sungyeol's company dinner. Lots of people are here with their wives and husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends. All of them are smiling and chatting happily and Myungsoo realizes how well this people are getting on together. Sungyeol is fitting perfectly among there. He shares their jokes and chats about things Myungsoo can't really understand. He is cultivated ; Myungsoo likes reading and going to museums, but he doesn't have any interest in the political news nor engineering and it is apparently all they are talking about.

Now that Myungsoo thinks about it, he can tell why Sungyeol loves his job so much. He has always been fascinated by both machines and space. He really liked to read those scientific magazines for kids when he was younger and to brag about how he would become an astronaut and visit all the planets of the solar system. He never got to visit the planets but at least he is a little bit closer to space now. It is clear that Sungyeol loves it, being able to work on space shuttles and trying to fill the expectations of the government regarding space development. Myungsoo understands maybe a little bit better why Sungyeol stays so late at work - with all this friendly people - and why when he goes home he can't do anything but note and loathe the gap slowly widening between them. 

"Oh, you must be Myungsoo! Hyung told me about you!" A young man with glasses and dark hair exclaims and Myungsoo is feeling sick again. Sungyeol probably said good things about him, maybe he lied about how they are doing or at least hid how weird his boyfriend is and how pathetic his life is. Myungsoo has to take a large gulp of champagne to shallow back the sickness in his stomach. He smiles to the boy, thanks him for taking good care of Sungyeol. He never felt so out of place and uncomfortable before. He can feel how far away Sungyeol got from him and he hates it. This people aren't even looking down on him but he can tell they have nothing in common.

Myungsoo tries his best to behave well during the dinner. It is at a fancy restaurant not to far from where Sungyeol is working - not to far from the military and space base - and Myungsoo is wearing a suit. Sungyeol insisted, saying that it is a formal meeting, that he is going to introduce his boyfriend for the first time and he should look nice. Indeed, they all complimented Myungsoo for his looks, telling him how much of a nice person and a great worker Sungyeol is. A girl - probably a few years older than him who Sungyeol calls "noona" - even referred to him as a genius. Myungsoo is flattered, he is happy for him, that he is thriving on his job but he also feels uncomfortable, realizing how oblivious he is of his world full of down to earth scientists who are trying to the change the future of technology while he is just an office worker who spends his days drawing to try to sell yogurt to the middle class housewives. Even if Sungyeol holds his hand the whole night and asks every thirty minutes if he isn't bored, Myungsoo can tell he is ashamed - embarrassed - of him, because he is working as a regular employee in a small advertising company and does nothing Sungyeol can be proud of or brag about. Sungyeol's friends are too nice to say anything. Sungyeol apologizes in his behalf for being quiet - instead of confessing that Myungsoo doesn't understand a thing they are saying -, he emphasizes how great his drawing skills are and how much of a great artist he is - instead of telling them honestly that beside the ads meant to bring money to his company, he didn't draw anything else in months. 

Myungsoo's throat is dry and it is hard to breathe. He wants to apologize to Sungyeol for not being good enough, telling him that he will try harder in the future, that he will watch the news and learn the basis of space engineering. He knows it is a lie because even if he tries, he will never be interested in it and because of that, it feels that they slowly have nothing left to talk about, nothing left to share with each other.

The drive back to their apartment is quiet ; Sungyeol pretending to focus on the dark road as an excuse to avoid a conversation while Myungsoo is looking out the window, trying to hide the tears in his eyes as Sungyeol is slowly drifting away from him and he can't stop him. 

When they get back home, he is desperate. He doesn't have much time left, especially after tonight, before Sungyeol will definitely leave him. "Hyung," he calls as Sungyeol is taking off his suit in the bedroom. He wants to tell him not to leave him, that they will find a way to figure things out, that they still have things to do together but Sungyeol looks at him the same way he did the past few months ; a look of both sadness and disappointment. And it is too much to bear for Myungsoo.

He kisses him hard and rough, pressing him up against the wall. He wants to suck those feelings out of Sungyeol. He wants to erase that ugly look on his face, he wants to get rid of the pain in his chest, of the guilt he is feeling. "Myungsoo, stop. I'm not in the mood." Sungyeol pushes him away lightly, turning his head the other way, out of reach, diverting his eyes. Sungyeol is never in the mood lately. 

Myungsoo is angry. At himself for being the way he is, at Sungyeol for making him feel so miserable. He grabs him by his shirt and throws him on the bed. He never did such thing before. He has never been this violent before. Sure they fought and all but he never intended to really hurt Sungyeol like he does right now. He is so desperate that he doesn't even know what he is doing, mind blurred and body shaking. He always let Sungyeol take the lead in the past because that was how it has always been between them but right now, he can't just comply to Sungyeol's words. He needs to make him understand. To hurt him badly.

"What are you-" Sungyeol yelps when Myungsoo drags in pants forcefully down his legs. Those beautiful long legs he likes so much. "Myungsoo. Stop it. Let's talk." He tries to reason him, to calm him down but Myungsoo is far too gone for that.

"There's nothing to talk about, hyung. You said it yourself." It isn't something Myungsoo would usually do, turning Sungyeol's words against him but he can't just let him act that way with him anymore.

Myungsoo doesn't know how he manages to find the lube in the drawer with his shaky hands and his ragging breath but he does and he has to struggle with Sungyeol to push him down the bed, flat on his stomach, pants around his thighs, his shirt still on and pretends not to hear his pleas to stop before it is too late. Myungsoo isn't stronger than him. He has never been. Sungyeol is taller and more muscular but right now, he finds a strength he didn't know about and Sungyeol doesn't dare to really resist him anyway. Maybe he hopes it will be a good excuse to leave him afterwards.

As soon as he pushes the first two fingers in, Sungyeol stops squirming around and his voice dies down. Myungsoo has never done that properly before - with Sunggyu it was always rushed and messy. He wants to do it right, to show Sungyeol - maybe in a stupid way - that he isn't the innocent and submissive person he thinks he is. He wants him to know how humiliated he felt tonight, he wants him to suffer as much as he is. 

"Hyung, is this okay?" He asks, unsure, voice shaking as he starts scissoring his fingers like he remembers Sungyeol doing to him many times - too many times to count. He leans over Sungyeol so his mouth is next to his ear. "Is it okay? Does it hurt?" He remembers how much the first time hurt him. He is pretty sure it is Sungyeol first time. He is going to take that away from him, as a punishment, as a revenge.

Sungyeol laughs in the cushion. "You don't even know what you're doing," he says bewildered, mocking and it is true. Myungsoo doesn't know but he won't stop. He hates Sungyeol even more for laughing at him.

Sungyeol stays quiet the whole time he is preparing him. Not a moan, not a whine, nothing. He doesn't even flinch when Myungsoo pushes the third finger inside even though he can see the muscles of his back tense. His head is still buried in the cushion and Myungsoo's determination is staring to shrink. He can't do anything Sungyeol doesn't want. He can't do it if Sungyeol is just lying there, without moving, without looking at him, just letting him have his way with him. Maybe he should have stopped earlier but it is too late. Sungyeol is opened for him and he is convinced he can make it good for him. He should. He has to. 

He takes off both of their pants and Sungyeol still doesn't budge. Myungsoo is already sweating when he applies the lube on his throbbing member. Sungyeol doesn't even turn to look at him but his clench on the sheets tighten as Myungsoo hovers over him. "I'm going to push it in now, hyung. Tell me if it hurts." He whispers next to his ear, kissing his nape. He shouldn't be kissing him now but he wants at least a reaction from Sungyeol. At least something and not the disgusting impression he is going to have sex with a corpse or a stranger.

He pushes his cock against his entrance and he hears him hold his breath under him. He can only push half before he has to stop because it is too tight and he is sure Sungyeol is in pain. He didn't prepare him will enough. "Hyung, are you okay?" No answer but Sungyeol's shirt is slowly getting drenched in sweat and he is so tensed Myungsoo is certain it is the reason he can't enter him.

He passes an arm around his middle and lifts him in a sitting position in his lap. Myungsoo notices then that he is still soft. He forces himself to look away. Sungyeol's back is pressed against his chest and that way, he can also see his face ; his eyes are tightly closed and he is biting his lips. 

It isn't how he imagined it would happen. Of course he imagined it. How it would feel to be inside Sungyeol. He has pictured it ; Sungyeol opening his legs for him, staring at him the whole time, telling him how much he loves him. It is different. His actions have a sense of urgency and desperation that makes him feel disgusted with himself.

The new position obliges Sungyeol to sink a little bit more on his cock and he lets out a loud whine. The first sound he emits in a while. It isn't anything like the sounds he usually makes. It is something special, different, something that digs into Myungsoo's ear and will never ever leave. "Hyung?" He repeats, worried, massaging his stomach, mouthing at his shoulder.

"Fuck, I can believe you actually put it in." It is the first words he speaks since they started and his voice is hoarser than usual. Myungsoo shallows hard.

"I-I'll pull out-" he stutters, realizing suddenly how far he went. He starts to lift him up but Sungyeol grips the arm around his waist and sinks back on his cock forcefully.

"Don't." He orders and it is the voice Myungsoo knows. The charismatic, ordering voice. He feels himself twitch inside him as he hears it and he can't help but start to lick the part of his neck his shirt isn't covering. He is slowly realizing that he is indeed inside Sungyeol and suddenly it is too much to take. 

When Sungyeol finally pushes the rest of Myungsoo's member inside him, Myungsoo has to bite the inside of his cheeks and tightens his hold around Sungyeol's body to control the orgasm rising in his stomach. He is so fucking tight and warm and wet. And he is inside of Sungyeol. Sungyeol.

"Fuck, hyung. I-I-" He can't form any coherent sentence but he wants to tell him how sorry he is it has to happen that way. Sungyeol doesn't let him the chance as he starts by rolling his hips on his lap and the sensations are mind-blowing. Myungsoo thumbs the small of his back in an attempt to soothe him but all Sungyeol does is shuddering and Myungsoo can't decide if it is a good sign or not.

Myungsoo knows exactly when Sungyeol is about to climax ; he feels the muscles on his stomach tense under his fingertips, his mouth opening to let out what sounds like a gasp mixed with moan which makes Myungsoo's hips buck forward, burying himself deeper than he intends to - too deep and too roughly for someone whose it is the first time. And yet Sungyeol's walls clench around him, tightly, too tightly and he comes all over the bed sheets. 

Myungsoo is almost there, seeing Sungyeol coming because of him inside is a too strong image for him to hold back much longer. He wishes he could though, so he could make it really good for Sungyeol. He wishes he could thrust into him slowly and let him wrap his legs around his waist, look at how beautiful his face is, constricted in an almost obscene expression, but right now all he can see is his profile and the sweat dripping down his temples. He has never done such thing before and Myungsoo has never been really good with controlling himself anyway. So he just thrusts upwards, harder and faster, probably torturing Sungyeol by over stimulating him right after his own release, letting his head fall against the sweet skin between his shoulder blades and he kissing the top of his spine. Sungyeol arches his back as to give him better access and Myungsoo is gone.

"Hyung," he just manages to stutter as he is almost there, "C-can I come inside?" He doesn't know why he asks but he feels like he should so maybe he won't feel so bad about what he is doing. He isn't angry anymore ; he just wants to end things nicely for Sungyeol. At least he succeeded in making him come first. Sungyeol is breathing loudly under him, head down, body almost limp if it wasn't for Myungsoo holding him by his waist. Maybe he doesn't want it and one word from him and Myungsoo will pull out right away to finish on his own. Maybe he could come on his beautiful slender back instead. Myungsoo is fine with that too.

"Yes." Sungyeol finally breathes out and Myungsoo's chest tightens at the way he says it ; like he is somehow granting him one last wish before their parting. But it is better than nothing and it only takes one snap of his hips before Myungsoo climaxes inside him, filling him up, moaning way louder than he should, way louder than Sungyeol did. 

When they collapse on the bed, sweaty and out of breath, Myungsoo still rocking the aftermath of his orgasm, he realizes that they aren't slowly falling apart, they are already far away from each other. Sungyeol puts his clothes back on - the classy black pants of his suit - and straightens up his shirt. He turns his back to him and Myungsoo knows he will fall asleep soon. He is probably hurting too much to go to the shower. 

Myungsoo silences a sob menacing to break with a hand on his mouth. He can't dare to look at the mess he made ; the cum on the sheets, the lube sticking on his fingers, Sungyeol turning his back on him.

It feels like years ago when Sungyeol would hold him close, smoothen his thumb over his cheek and kiss his hair after sex until they both fall asleep. Now Myungsoo is all alone, cold and ashamed. He looks at Sungyeol's back rising and falling regularly. He wants to come closer, to hug him tight, to tell him how sorry he is, to beg him to stay just a little bit longer with him but he is sure Sungyeol would push him away and he wouldn't be able to stand it. So he turns away too, eyes fixed on the wall and lets the tears spill out silently. Maybe Sungyeol hears him but he doesn't say anything nor he comes to comfort it. Not that Myungsoo is expecting him to do so anymore.

 

The next day, Myungsoo wakes up first and hurries up to shower to get ready for work. He can't bear to face Sungyeol right now. He leaves earlier than it is necessary and Sungyeol is still sleeping. Or at least pretending to. 

Yunseo nags him that he looks terrible but doesn't insist when he tells her to fuck off. He shouldn't be mean with her when she is the only nice person still around him and yet, just seeing her, always smiling and happy, makes him sick today and it awakens the ache in his heart. 

 

It ends between them three weeks later. Three weeks during which Myungsoo is waking up with panic churning his stomach and the uncontrollable fear of opening his eyes on an empty bed.

He tries to talk to Sungyeol a few times, to start a conversation, babbling useless things about the weather or about how it went at work. It doesn't work because they don't have anything else to say to each other and Sungyeol isn't even paying enough attention to him anymore anyway. He isn't touching him either. He notices the way he limps for a few days after what happened and he thinks it is maybe because of that but Sungyeol assures him that it isn't, that he is fine, that he enjoyed it. But after he stops limping and things are back to normal, he doesn't touch him again. Not even the soft kisses he used to press on his forehead in the morning before leaving for work. Myungsoo endures it because he doesn't have any other choices. He tries to ask him, tries to hug him more than once, to tell him that he misses him, hoping that it will maybe change his attitude. It only worsens it. Worsen until it becomes almost impossible for them to stay in the same room together - because it is awkward, because it is tensed, because they both feel guilty. 

So three weeks later, Myungsoo is coming home from work and Sungyeol is already there. They fight once again and Myungsoo is dying a little more inside. He has the stupid idea that since Sungyeol didn't leave until now, maybe he will stay a little bit longer. After all, they have an apartment and a life together ; it isn't easy to leave. Myungsoo even manages to convince himself that maybe Sungyeol doesn't want to leave that bad after all. He is wrong.

They fight stronger than they did before that night.

Sungyeol yells a lot, hits Myungsoo even, right on the cheek. It stings. Myungsoo knows he didn't mean to do it but it still hurts. It starts feeling hot and throbbing where his hand landed on his face but Myungsoo doesn't complain. He will complain later because right now Sungyeol is angry, Sungyeol is menacing to leave. He did that before - several times during the past few months - but it is the first it sounds so real. His voice drained, tired, exhausted and Myungsoo cries. He wants to beg him to stay because he can't live without him but Sungyeol already knows that. So he doesn't say anything and lets the tears roll down his cheeks to crush on the floor. Sungyeol doesn't like it. He never liked when Myungsoo was crying, when Myungsoo was being weak. He grabs his chin and forces him to look at him. "Stop crying for fuck's sake," he shouts again, eyes red and Myungsoo understands that it is already too late. Sungyeol already made his decision.

He lets him scream, break things, push him hard against the wall, curse at him. It lasts longer this time because Sungyeol probably feels guilty and is pushing back the time when he will announce his departure. Myungsoo can't bring himself to let him leave. He tries to hold him back. Finally, Sungyeol goes to the kitchen and comes back with a knife, the big one - Sungyeol always had a sense of dramaturgy, Myungsoo thinks - and threatens to kill him if he doesn't leave the apartment right away. Myungsoo should be the one leaving. It is him who paid for it he says. Myungsoo agrees. Anything. He will do anything he asks him. Hyung, please don't leave. I'm sorry. I'll do better. We can start over. Please. I love you. 

Sungyeol pushes him to the exit, to the hallway and closes the door. Myungsoo barely has enough money for a cab so he stays there. He rings the doorbell for hours until Sungyeol lets him in again. Myungsoo can tell he cried. "You're sleeping on the couch," he warns and goes back to their room, closes the door behind him. It is the last words he says to him. The living room is big and silent and Myungsoo whimpers into the cushions the whole night. Sungyeol must have heard him. There is no way he didn't. But he doesn't come out of the room to cuddle Myungsoo and tell him everything will be okay like he used to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**VII.**

 

 

 

 

When Sungyeol leaves the next day Myungsoo isn't there. He comes back from work like any other days, eyes swollen and face red, maybe a little earlier today because Yunseo agreed to tell their boss he is sick. And he really is. He was already crying in a subway, feeling both cold and sweaty. He does expect Sungyeol to leave, he could tell something was off after last night and yet, he still has hope that Sungyeol will still be there when he goes home. People look at him like he is weird, an old woman even asks if he is alright, if he lost someone. No, he says, not yet. 

Myungsoo can sense it is too late as soon as he passes the door. Sungyeol's shoes aren't at their usual place on the rack anymore. He has barely enough strength to walk to the living room - his books and CDs are still there -, then to their room where the wardrobe is open and only Myungsoo's clothes are left. Actually, Sungyeol forgot some of his clothes; two sweatshirts, a pair of jeans, a scarf - it was a gift from Myungsoo's mother. He concludes that he probably left in a hurry so he wouldn't have to face him. It is a fucking cowardly thing to do. 

Myungsoo feels numb for a while, staring at their messy room, at the absence of Sungyeol's belongings which makes him strangely feel like he is everywhere, until his legs give out. He falls on the floor, loudly and he doesn't cry; he screams. Maybe their neighbors hear him, maybe they come knocking to ask him to shut the fuck up but Myungsoo can't hear anything.

He doesn't know how long he stays there, lying on the dirty floor. Long enough he would say. He stays until being in their bedroom is too painful and he forces himself to go to the living room, hoping to find the neutral place - a peaceful one - even if he knows there aren't any in this apartment. Every corners are filled with Sungyeol, with memories of what they did there, in that apartment. They chose it themselves, together, they lived there for years. 

Eventually, he doesn't have tears left to cry out and his voice becomes too hoarse to even speak. The couch feels like stone under his skin and his whole body is in pain. He can't even bring himself to eat or to move. So he stays there, staring at the ceiling because he can't allow himself to look at the things Sungyeol left behind him, nor does he want to see the things he took away. Myungsoo never cared about material stuff before but he will give everything to have Sungyeol's things back ; anything that will make him believe he is still there.

Myungsoo only knows that it is becoming warm outside because the sun is hitting his face in the morning and he doesn't need to put the heater on. 

He looses notion of time two days after that.

Someone rings the door bell. A call comes. Another one. 

Myungsoo tries to stood up to grab the cereals and he almost faints. His ankle hurts. 

He doesn't know how long he stays in that state but one day the door opens with a loud sound. Someone has been knocking for a while. A woman most likely - he can tell by the perfume because he can't really open his eyes - comes in and she seems angry. 

"What the fuck Kim Myungsoo?!" She yells. Yunseo. He forgot to go to work. 

"What are you doing here?" Myungsoo mutters from the couch and he realizes his lips are dry and chapped. He didn't drink for too long.

"Shit, shit, shit," she curses, rushing next to him, sounding horrified. "Why do you think you're doing?! What's wrong with you?" She runs around for a bit, shuffles in the kitchen and comes back with a glass of water. "Drink." She orders. Myungsoo complies. "Sungyeol called me," she explains, "he told me to check on you." She adds with a lower voice and it sounds like a bad joke. Myungsoo tries to laugh but it comes out as a sob and she summons him to stay still. 

The next time he wakes up, or at least when he is conscious enough to remember waking up, he isn't home. He is in a large bed, in a cute room decorated with a flowered wallpaper. He tries to straighten himself up on the bed but he is a bit too weak for it and gives up halfway. 

"Ah, I see Mr. Kim is awake," A voice chants and Yunseo passes her head through the door. "Are you hungry today?" His stomach has been indeed growling for a while now but he isn't that hungry. The lump in in throat is still there, disturbing him. Still, he nods because Yunseo is nice and she prepared food for him. 

"How long has it been?" He asks when she brings him a plate to eat from. She looks surprised to see him talking and she strokes his cheek lovingly, in a maternal way that brings tears to Myungsoo's eyes. 

"Since I brought you back here? Almost two weeks. Since Sungyeol left? Almost three." Three weeks and it already feels like a lifetime. A lifetime he wanted with Sungyeol. Myungsoo isn't sure he will be able to survive if things keep being this hard. 

"What about work?" He is a bit worried now. He can't afford to loose his job and go back to live with his mother. 

"I called. I said you were sick. It's okay, the boss said he understood. They even hired a guy to replace you during your leave." Myungsoo can't even feel relieved even if he should be. His work doesn't really matter anymore. 

 

It is hard after that. Waking up is almost impossible if Yunseo doesn't yell and hit him for at least fifteen minutes. Then they go to work, using the subway and Myungsoo hates it. It is always crowded but incredibly silent ; full of people barely awaken, all on their way to work. It is suffocating, like everything else in his life anyway. 

Work is the only thing that is preventing from breaking down. The place is familiar, the people too. And he still likes his work after all. He can draw all day and it keeps him away from the dark thoughts creeping up at the back of his mind. His teachers would probably be disappointed knowing that he is working in an advertising company and uses his talent to sell useless things to gullible middle-class people, but Myungsoo likes it. It isn't nerve-racking and he loves the fact that he has to fit the expectations of the customers. It is the first time he is good at fitting people's expectations. They never expect something completely crazy for him - it is the copy writers' work to find the concept - but only to put their ideas to life and it is enough.

Myungsoo used to find his job boring when he was with Sungyeol. He hated going to work, hated the too clean atmosphere, hated the excited employees, the continuous sound of phones ringing. He couldn't wait to go back home to Sungyeol. He would think about it the whole day, counting the hours and minutes left before he could hurtle down the stairs of the building and go back home. Sometimes it would even slow his work down; when he hadn't see Sungyeol in a while, when he would send him naughty texts and then he couldn't work for a couple of hours because he was too excited. 

It isn't like that now. Now, he fears the moment when Yunseo is going to knock on his door and tell him it is time to leave. It means facing real life, walking on the streets, meeting unknown people. It is scary. The worst part of it is the moment when he has to sleep; that moment between dreams and reality when the thoughts he hopes will disappear come back to haunt him. On the contrary, once he is asleep and thoughtless, it is a torture to come back to reality. 

Myungsoo wishes Sungyeol could need him as much as he does. He wishes he was still a child so Sungyeol would be forced to take care of him. But he isn't and Myungsoo is the one desperately needing him. Sungyeol is his lungs and everything that keeps him alive. 

Myungsoo still cries a lot. He can't even eat sometimes because of it. Yunseo passes by to check on him at least three times during the day, no matter how busy she is, passing her head through the door frame and mouthing a "are you okay?" and if Myungsoo really isn't; staring blankly at his paper, cheeks wet, she usually comes in and strokes his back until he calms down. 

Myungsoo knows he is a burden. Yunseo probably has others things to deal with than his crying friend who can't do anything by himself. He is thankful to her for taking care of him.

So when he doesn't want to go ask for her help and it is too hard to keep things up, Myungsoo takes the habit of hiding in the drawing team room to cry. It has stores on the windows and it is unused on days when there isn't a meeting. The walls are full of drawing, caricatures and ads and it feels safe somehow. Familiar even. 

 

He has never noticed Howon before. To be honest, Myungsoo rarely notices people anyway. Especially since Sungyeol left him. All he can do is draw and trying to do his job right, and it is already fucking hard. He never paid attention to the people working with him - beside Yunseo.

Howon enters the room with a pile of messy papers in his arms using his foot to push the door open. It is so loud and so sudden that Myungsoo barely has enough time to get on his feet and to pretend to look at something on the wall. It probably doesn't work because Howon freezes behind him, becoming all shy and awkward - it is quite common for him to get awkward around people, like Myungsoo will learn later - and he stutters a worried "i'm so sorry" before closing the door hurriedly. Myungsoo knows he should have acted all dignified and go out like nothing happened but instead he waits for one hour, until everyone left for lunch, before finally going out and locks himself in his office, dying of embarrassment.

This is their first meeting.

The second one is as awkward and embarrassing as the first one. Myungsoo goes to the kitchen of the office to get some water. He doesn't like the office's kitchen because it is always dirty and always crowded with people smoking and laughing out loud, pretending to be taking their five minutes break for half an hour. But today he is thirsty. Yunseo laughs at him a lot nowadays because he is always thirsty, joking that he has to drink twice as much as any other human being because otherwise with all he is crying he will soon turn into a dry fruit. It is probably true. 

Howon is here making coffee. At least trying to as he is obviously struggling with the coffee machine. He jumps when Myungsoo opens the door and blushes furiously, suddenly staring at the floor and most likely looking for an excuse to get out of there as quickly as possible. Myungsoo tries to ignore him. He needs only a few minutes to take his water and then he will go back to his safe office. 

Just a few minutes.

But Howon who is all clumsy and blushing and probably worried that Myungsoo is still mad at him, talks. "I-I want to apologize again, for the other day." He tucks at the hem of his shirt. "I should have knocked b-but I was in a hurry and well..." He looks around, almost spilling the coffee he is holding. "I r-really hope you didn't misunderstand, I-I wasn't spying on you or anything. I don't even want to know why you were crying." He looks him, horrified, and Myungsoo is unable to move. "I mean-I'm sorry! I-I didn't even see you were crying! I just-just-" 

"I don't care." He tries to make his voice sound flat but it comes out rather weakly. 

"W-what?" 

"I don't care if you saw or not." Myungsoo repeats louder. He wants to escape this situation as soon as possible. "I'm fine. I'm not mad at you or anything." He really isn't. He is just embarrassed that someone had to see how miserable he is. "Just don't tell anyone else." He looks at him and he is all red, biting his lips, uncomfortable. "Please."

"Y-Yeah, okay, I won't t-tell." He talks with such honesty that Myungsoo is sure he won't.

"Do you always stutter?" It is kind of cute. At least, Myungsoo would have find it cute if the situation wasn't completely uncomfortable and he didn't feel like crying all the time.

"N-no. Just when I'm nervous." The guy answers with a little smile. 

 

This is how he meets Howon. Now that Myungsoo thinks about it, it is the best way he could have met someone because that way he doesn't have to hide anything from him; he already knows how weird and how sad he is. And he accepts to deal with it. Even if Myungsoo never really understood why.

After that, Howon starts to bring lunch to Myungsoo everyday. He knocks on his door one day, all nervous and sweaty and put a tuna sandwich on his desk. 

"I-I thought it would be nice t-to eat lunch together." He says, hands behind his back, standing in the middle of room awkwardly. 

"Thanks. You didn't have to." Myungsoo replies, a bit flustered, not liking the intrusion and yet unable to send him away too rudely. 

"It's okay, I wanted to. Since I'm s-sorry about the other day and all..." Myungsoo almost doesn't catch the end of his sentence but figures that he can't really refuse his apology nor his sandwich now.

"Let's eat then." Myungsoo doesn't really like sandwiches and actually didn't plan to eat anything today since he has lots of work to do and the memories of Sungyeol are too strong in his head, but he takes a bite anyway. Howon sits in front of him, looking around the office, at Myungsoo's drawings, at his desk, at him.

"I hope you like tuna. I-I didn't know what you liked but since I like tuna, I-I chose tuna for you too." He smiles, his mouth already full and tomatoes menacing to fall off his sandwich to fall right on his lap. 

"Tuna's fine." Myungsoo can't really taste it anyway. 

"I'm Lee Howon by the way." He says after a silence. "I suppose you don't really know my name since I got hired not too long ago. I'm the new copy-writer. Well, I'm supposed to be but since I'm rookie I didn't get to do any ads yet... but I'm sure it'll happen soon." He takes another big bite of his sandwich, his eyes twinkling as he talks about his job. "People say that you're the best draftsman of the company. I really hope we'll work together in the future." He looks around once again, at the drawings on the wall, back at Myungsoo. "I-I mean, if y-you want to, of course." He stutters again after his introduction and it sounds like he repeated a few times what he wanted to say.

Myungsoo nods. "Yeah, why not."

After that, Howon keeps talking and talking. He talks about random things, about his life, about that girl in the office who annoys him because she is stupid and when he stops and stands up to leave, Myungsoo is startled. "I should go back to work. It was nice sharing lunch with you." He smiles and Myungsoo realizes he, too, finished his sandwich. 

 

It starts like this and never stops. Howon knocks at his door every day to share lunch with Myungsoo. He always brings something different - because he doesn't like eating the same thing every day - and he talks the whole time, never expecting any answers other than nods from Myungsoo and it is fine with him. He tells him about his family, his bigger sister who he likes a lot, about his years at college, about how he got the job. He even complains about the others employees or about how he can't come up with a good idea for one of his projects. It is funny in a way because Howon tells Myungsoo almost everything about himself when Myungsoo barely reveals anything, but he likes hearing Howon talking and he has always been a good listener. It is nice having someone talking to him, showing interest. Sometimes, even, Howon compliments Myungsoo for a work he did or when got a good review and advises him on a drawing. Myungsoo really likes that.

 

The first time he invites him over to his house, Myungsoo freaks out and calls Yunseo, panicking on the phone, asking her what he should do. "Howon? Like Howon, your best friend?" She asks and it hits Myungsoo that it is how they appear to everyone. Howon - beside Yunseo - is the only person he talks to in the office and they usually spend a lot of time together. When they aren't working on a project, they eat together, they are even staying to work late at night just the two of them and now when Myungsoo is going the drawing room to cry, Howon walks around the door the whole time, worried, until Myungsoo comes out and he drags him to out to smoke a cigarette or drink tea to cheer him up. It is probably what it is like being friend with someone. "He's nice, what are you scared of? He wouldn't hurt a fly." She laughs like Myungsoo is being silly.

"I know. It's not that. What if-" He sighs. "What if he's expecting something?" 

"Oh." A pause. "Honestly, I don't think so. From what I see, he'll be to shy to even try anything." She ponders and Myungsoo agrees. "Why? Do you feel like he is interested?" 

"No, not really, but you know, he just invited me to his house." He emphasizes the last word. He hasn't been in anyone house but Yunseo since Sungyeol left. Even their previous apartment, he hasn't been able to go back there and he gave the keys to Yunseo so she could gather his things - he just asked for Sungyeol's scarf because it still smelled like him - and breaks his contract with the owner.

"You shouldn't overthink it. Howon's your friend, it'll be rude to refuse." Yeah, probably, Myungsoo tries to reassure himself.

 

Howon's apartment is just like him. Warm and tidy. It isn't big - not as big as his apartment with Sungyeol - but big enough. Howon welcomes him with a big smile and a squeeze on the shoulder. Myungsoo is a bit uncomfortable at first but Howon behaves just like he does at the office - all awkward and funny - and offers him a drink. He even apologizes for being an awful cook and orders good Italian food instead that they can eat while watching a movie. Myungsoo expects Howon to make a move but instead he stays perfectly polite and doesn't oppose when Myungsoo says it is late and that he should go home. Myungsoo is almost disappointed when he finds himself alone in a taxi to go back to Yunseo's place.

Howon is indeed his friend. They can talk for hours without stopping and it isn't boring. And Howon is treating him really well. Even if he still hears Sungyeol's voice haunting him and he can't forget about him for too long because he is always here to come back and to make him remember, Howon is always next to him to help him. 

 

Myungsoo starts coming more and more to Howon's house and Yunseo is relieved to have her place back.

 

They stay like this for a while. Howon's home becomes comforting and familiar. Myungsoo learns to enjoy Howon's company and his habits and soon he becomes a part of his life. His clothes are now taking half of the closet, his books scattering everywhere in the apartment, the radio always sets on his favorite channel. 

What Myungsoo likes about Howon is that he is never pressing, that he never asks anything when he is crying, takes care of him, wipes his tears every time and holds him close to his chest every nights until he falls asleep. It is more than what Myungsoo could have hoped for.

When Sungyeol's memories are becoming too heavy to live with and it is even hard for Myungsoo to get out of bed, Howon makes food for him, carries him to the bathtub and washes him. It is easy like this ; Howon always taking care of him without asking anything in return, acting like Myungsoo's breakdowns aren't weird, like he can deal with it. Myungsoo becomes used to it, he grows to like having Howon in his life. 

There is something unstelling between them, something that never happened with Sungyeol before ; long mornings on bed with Howon trailing pecks down his ribs and poking his body in every places. On some days, it is extremely romantic and comforting and Myungsoo loves it, on other it just makes him sick and dizzy and he has to pretend he has something else to do to escape Howon's arms. 

 

Yet, after almost a year, Myungsoo can tell the touches are much more demanding, linger a little longer between his shoulders blades, the innocent kisses on his cheeks become rougher and trail down his neck. Myungsoo can tell and try to understand that it is sometimes natural. He can't expect Howon to wait for him forever. He never forced him into something he didn't want, and still, Myungsoo knows that he should give it to him soon if he doesn't want to loose him. 

But he is scared. Scared that he won't be able to do it because his whole body craves for Sungyeol and he hasn't been excited or turned on by anything or anyone else since then. He tried watching porn one night, to see if he wasn't broken, but it ended up being a disaster ; he cried all night long, his body cold with something even a ton of blankets couldn't warm up, his cock flaccid the whole time. 

He can't tell this to Howon, especially after everything he did for him. The least he can do is pretend to love him, pretend that he forgot about Sungyeol, pretend that he finds him attractive. 

So, one night, when they comes back home late after work - this huge company hired them and wanted their project ready within a ridiculous short amount of time - Myungsoo decides that he should try something. He observed Howon during the past few days, trying to tell what he likes - because all Myungsoo knows is what Sungyeol likes -, trying to decide if he is more on the dominant side or not. However, he hasn't been able to catch anything since Howon always has his usual cheerful and clumsy personality that makes him look too innocent for anything like this. 

Back at home, after dinner and shower, when they are back in bed, about to sleep and Howon is holding his waist in a position which is almost too familiar, kissing him goodnight, Myungsoo makes up his mind. 

It probably takes Howon by surprise because he gasps loudly and almost jerks off the bed. Myungsoo pressed his full hand against his crotch under the blanket. He pressed hard enough to feel the shape of his member under the sweatpants but not hard enough to actually seize it. 

"W-what-," Howon stutters, panicked, "W-what are y-you doing? Y-you don't have t-to-"

"I want to." Myungsoo whispers and Howon barely hides a moan by biting his lips. He seems to consider it for a while, maybe wanting to tell him that he is willing to wait until Myungsoo is ready but his frustration takes over and he pushes Myungsoo against the mattress, climbing on top of him to kiss him deep and long. It is the first time. Myungsoo doesn't like it. His mouth is dry and he is thirsty.

It isn't until he closes his eyes and lets himself appreciate the sensations that he feels his cock twitch in his pants and slowly growing hard against Howon's thigh. When he opens his eyes, Howon looks relieved too, all excited and panicked, but also relieved. Myungsoo almost wants to laugh at the situation but Howon is already lifting his legs to wrap them around his waist and draws circles with his hips against his crotch. They are still wearing their pants and Myungsoo is a bit surprised to see that Howon is actually on the top side, already feeling his clothed member rub between his butt cheeks. He shivers at that, finally letting out his first moan and Howon dives to kiss him again, pressing their chests close against each other. 

Howon turns out to be a loving partner; his eyes becomes all dark and needy and every time he tries to talk it is all nonsense stuttering but he goes so slow that it is almost frustrating. Myungsoo is nonetheless thankful. Even Sungyeol never went this slowly with him - always hammering his hips too hard - nor spent so much time preparing him. So when he finally enters him, it is only the slightest painful and it only takes him a bit of shifting and two thrusts to find the perfect angle to hit Myungsoo's prostate.

Howon is obviously really good at it. Maybe if Myungsoo couldn't see Sungyeol every time he closes his eyes, he would have thought that it is one of the best fuck of his life. Howon succeeds in making come in the shortest amount of time that it is almost embarrassing - so different from Sungyeol's long, slow thrusts that would put him on the edge and only let him release after minutes of begging - and himself snaps his hips quickly and roughly for only a few minutes after that, until he collapses on top of him, mouth opened in a silent moan.

It is the best Myungsoo could have hoped for.

Howon holds his face in his hands after that, asking if it was alright, if he enjoyed it and it almost hurt Myungsoo to have to lie and tell that yes, he liked it when all he did was hiding his face in the crook of his neck and imagine it was Sungyeol above him. 

 

Maybe it is one week after, maybe two, Myungsoo doesn't really know. He is reading at the desk in their room when the question comes out of nowhere, "Want to go see my grandfather?" It has been asked quite casually, like it isn't that of a big deal. But it is because Myungsoo is aware that his grandfather is Howon's only family and it will be a formal introduction to his relatives. Myungsoo should have expected it. After all, they have been dating for quite a long time now ; a formal meeting with each other families isn't so out of place. Myungsoo should be pleased, excited but he really isn't, because the only thing he can think of is what it would have felt like to be formally introduced to Sungyeol's family as his boyfriend. He wishes he had the chance to show how well Sungyeol was doing without them, with him. He wishes he could have disgusted them with their happiness. And maybe, even, make them apologize for all the pain they put Sungyeol through. But Sungyeol isn't here and he won't be there anymore and maybe it is time for Myungsoo to move on. He has a job and they are almost living together. It is time for him to settled down but how can he? How can he think about building something with someone else when the only person he can think of, the only person he ever loved isn't there? 

He knows he has to lie even though he hates it because Howon isn't a bad person. Maybe one of the best person he ever met. He is nice, caring and he always looks after him. He is probably going to stay by his side for as long as Myungsoo will want him to. Myungsoo already trusts him ; he knows he will never hurt him. He can see the love in his eyes when he looks at him, he can feel it when they make love. It is overflowing when he snuggles next to him at night and kisses him until he falls asleep. Myungsoo likes it. It is convenient, it is reassuring. It is better than being alone, but it isn't better than being with Sungyeol. And that, Myungsoo can't get over it. 

So, even if he is bitter and the guilt makes his ears red he says yes, he will go see his grandfather with him. He convinces himself that the guilt will somehow fade away and maybe the comfort of his situation will ease the pain. Just maybe. Maybe one day he will stop picturing Sungyeol's hands hugging his waist at night or stop imagining it is him he is with when he closes his eyes. Myungsoo just has to cling onto that thought a bit and things will maybe turn out okay. 

After he agrees, Howon seems happy, jumping around, talking all the time about how cool his grandfather is, how much fun they are going to have. Myungsoo nods, smiles, acts like he cares, like he is in love. Howon is happy. 

They end up in a night bus a few days after that. It is the beginning of summer. They have two suitcases and small bags with sandwiches prepared this morning by Howon. Myungsoo would have usually been really excited. He never got the chance to travel much. Last time it was with Sungyeol. Howon must sense he is nervous because he can't stop throwing jokes to ease the tension and he managed to organize everything so well that Myungsoo has nothing to do but enjoy it. He wishes he could, but the bitter taste in his mouth won't leave and Howon's loving eyes and embraces feel nothing but distressing. 

Six hours in the bus and then a fifty dollars cab, and they finally arrive at Howon's grandfather hometown. It is a small village in the countryside with a peaceful atmosphere and so little people that it is almost empty.

His grandfather's house is surrounded by fields of potatoes and onions and they have to cross one of them by foot to reach the house. Howon is, as always, jumping excitedly beside him, running in front and then stopping to wait impatiently for Myungsoo.

Howon always had that somehow innocent side of him and Myungsoo likes that about him. In a way it reminds him of how he was a few years ago, before Sungyeol, before everything. Besides, Howon always kisses him with two possessive hands cupping his face and it makes Myungsoo feel a little less lonely, a little bit loved. 

 

His grandfather is a grey-haired tall man with a strong jaw line and a tanned skin. He looks impressive - so unlike Howon. He is a man of a few words and Myungsoo learns soon enough to keep quiet around him. Just as they arrive, he hardly greets them before excusing himself ; he has work to do. Howon just laughs, saying that he is really nice when you get to know him. It is the hard work in the field that makes him that way, he explains and Myungsoo just nods. 

They spend the day helping him in the fields, Myungsoo getting sunburns on his shoulders and Howon joking by throwing potatoes at him. He gets to know Howon's grandfather a bit, grasping a bit better what was Howon's childhood like. 

During the dinner, his grandfather tells to him how it is like living around here, how slow the life is, how worried he is for Howon living so far away and how glad he is he found someone as nice as Myungsoo. Howon is squeezing his hand under the table, eyes sparkling, full of joy and pride and Myungsoo feels sick. He tries really hard, smiling, laughing, giving Howon what he deserves - a nice and lively boyfriend who is genuinely happy to be here.

They go to bed right after dinner, in Howon's tidy room where the walls are still covered in posters and comic strips, and Myungsoo tries to push away the guilt creeping up inside him. As soon as he lies on the bed, Howon is pressing himself on top of him, licking his neck and grabbing his thighs. Myungsoo wants to refuse at first but he just can't and closes his eyes as he feels Howon's erection digs into the soft flesh of his stomach. 

 

"What about your mom?" Howon asks after they're done. He held him tighter than ever tonight, sucking, nibbling at his mouth like it was the last time they were doing it and Myungsoo knew what it meant. Love. Commitment. Because he accepted to come visit his grandfather, because he had been properly introduced and it's like they are officially starting something. Except that everything Myungsoo can think of is Sungyeol and how the hole in his chest will never disappear. He can tell by the way Howon looks at him that his feelings changed, that he now sees Myungsoo as his, that he thinks they finally built something together. And Myungsoo is indeed thankful that Howon is here. It is better than being on his own and yet he can't help but hate himself for it. And he feels guiltier than ever when Howon, stroking his side as they are lying naked under the covers of his bed, starts to ask about his mother. 

"What about her?" Myungsoo plays dumb because he doesn't want to hear what Howon is going to ask next. They are still at his grandfather's house and he is already asking to be introduced too. His mother is probably going to be happy for him, if she doesn't notice that Myungsoo didn't forget about Sungyeol - and she will probably notice because she is his mother and she knows everything.

"I don't know. You talk a lot about her, I'd like to meet her." Howon kisses his shoulder and his hand moves to rest flat on his stomach. Myungsoo stiffens. 

"Y-yeah, why not. Another time, maybe." It is about time, Myungsoo can tell. They spend enough time together to think about being officially together, about telling their families that they are in love and that there is a high probability that they will spend their next fifteen years together. Myungsoo tries not to cry because Howon wouldn't understand, because Howon is looking at him with eyes blinded by love and longs for his touch all the time. And Myungsoo always pretended that it was the same for him, because it was easier that way. Because at first he thought it would have helped him forget Sungyeol.

"Thanks. I bet she's amazing." He sucks at his shoulder and nuzzles his head in the crook of his neck like he is just about to fall asleep. Myungsoo hums in agreement and turns his head the other side because the tears are already wetting his cheeks. He lets out a silent sob and thanks god they are in the dark so he can just pretend to be asleep and not stupidly crying. 

It wasn't like this with Sungyeol. Everything had been so easy. They grew up together, they never had to pass through the usual awkward introduction with their families. Myungsoo never had to explain where was his dad because Sungyeol was here when he left. It had always been perfect, because they knew everything about each other and didn't have anything to hide. Myungsoo hates what he is doing right now but just like Yunseo said, he should bear with it because it is what normal people do. And Myungsoo wants to be normal. He wants it really freaking bad. He wishes he could tell Howon they are moving too fast but they aren't and he doesn't want to piss him off in case he will leave him. So he agrees. He agrees even if it means he won't be able to look at himself in a mirror anymore.

They stay at his grandfather's house for a few days. It is incredibly calm around here. So much different from the never sleeping city he lives in or the lively neighborhood he grew up in. They help his grandfather with his work - harvesting onions and cucumbers. It is nice, working with his hands, letting himself go thoughtless under the heavy sun. 

Myungsoo realizes how hard it must have been for Howon to grow up here. There aren't many people and the few they met didn't seem to show approval toward their relationship. It is far from his own understanding mother. Howon's grandfather loves him and protects him a lot more than it first appeared. It is almost uncomfortable, the way he is always looking at him with proud and lovely eyes. He even warns Myungsoo that he shouldn't hurt him because he is fragile and he has never been able to take rejection well. It is almost funny, knowing that Myungsoo has always been the weak one and now it feels like he has someone to protect on his own. The worst part of it is that his grandfather just gave him the perfect excuse to stay with Howon ; he can't hurt him. That's why he can't tell him about Sungyeol, that's why he is staying with him, that's why he is pretending to be in love. Howon must have been a cheerful kid. He can totally picture him running around the fields with a big goofy smile and coming back home full of dirt and dust. It is so different from Myungsoo's childhood. From his childhood with Sungyeol.

 

Howon doesn't let go. Myungsoo tries to avoid the subject, tries to come up with excuses but in the end he has to give up ; he can't lie that his mother is busy forever. 

They go a few months later and he calls beforehand. At first he wants to surprise her but he doesn't want to create a weird situation where he will have to explain what happened with Sungyeol. Well, his mother knows they aren't together anymore and she constantly asks if he is okay since then but she doesn't know about Howon. She is both surprised and perplexed when she learns. Maybe she can already hear in Myungsoo's voice that it is complicated, that it is nothing like it used to be with Sungyeol and that he is lost. She doesn't say so though. She says she will gladly meet Howon and that she is happy he met a nice person at his work. Howon kisses him twice on the mouth when he tells him the news. 

 

 

 

 **VIII.**

 

 

 

The call comes late at night. Yunseo is excited, almost yelling over the phone. Myungsoo is still sleepy and whispering, trying not to wake Howon up. 

She is getting married. She is inviting him to the ceremony. Howon too, of course.

Sungyeol is going to be there. Yes, with his boyfriend. But Myungsoo shouldn't worry, it has already been a long time since things ended up between them. They are fine now, aren't they? They are friends, right? 

 

Howon is excited too, already calling here and there to get their suits and their gifts ready for the wedding. Myungsoo is glad Howon is taking care of this because all he feels right now is an obnoxious weight on his shoulders making his legs both weak and boneless. He tries to think rationally, to remind himself that he isn't supposed to feel that way, that he had a boyfriend for years now. And Sungyeol too. They are adults. He doesn't mind meeting his ex again.

He doesn't tell Howon that Sungyeol will be there though, because he can't even say his name out loud yet and also - he tries to convince himself - because he never told him who Sungyeol is exactly. Sure he evoked him once or twice at first when they met, when the pain was so strong he couldn't breath, but with time he learned that talking about him put Howon in a grumpy mood and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want Howon to leave him so he stopped mentioning this guy who broke his heart a few years ago. Howon never talked about his previous relationships either and by the way he clings into him, Myungsoo can tell that there weren't many of them - or any that mattered enough at least. Myungsoo only got Sungyeol who mattered but it is more than enough.

Myungsoo spends the remaining month till the wedding in a daze. He goes to work but can't really recall what he does with his days afterward. He goes back home, eats, sleeps, watches TV with Howon, sometimes has sex on the couch or on the bed but all of this is tasteless. Overall, Myungsoo feels out of his body and it is maybe better because like this he doesn't have to think about the wedding's date nearing and until the last moment, can ignore Howon yelling at him to get dressed quicker or otherwise they will be late. 

The tie is too tight and Myungsoo can't breath properly. When he complains about it in the car Howon scolds him because he shouldn't be sulky the day of his best friend's wedding. Myungsoo thinks about Yunseo for a while and he agrees. He really shouldn't because Yunseo has always been nice and caring. He can't ruin her wedding day.

But Sungyeol is going to be there. Maybe he already arrived. With his boyfriend - who Myungsoo never met before. He will definitely look for the champagne as soon as he arrives and sits in a corner, praying for people to forget about him. Sungyeol has never been someone who likes families' ceremonies. If Myungsoo was there with him they would have probably sneaked out to steal some whiskey, get drunk and maybe make out in one of the room before going back to congratulate Yunseo and finding an excuse to run away. But he didn't come with him. And Myungsoo will have to stay until the end.

He is anxious, squeezing Howon's hand a bit too hard as they get there. Yunseo and her husband rented a house for it - a big one - with a big garden and Myungsoo quietly wonders when she earned so much money.

Yunseo is beautiful. She is wearing a gorgeous white dress with her hair tied in a cute bun. She looks really different from the over-excited woman with dirty hair who overworks herself Myungsoo is used to. She looks brighter, happier. Myungsoo congratulates her once again. She smiles. She is thankful he came because she was about to go crazy because of her husband's family. Myungsoo laughs. 

 

It is almost funny, Myungsoo realizes. The last time he saw Sungyeol it was in the summer and he was leaving him, and now it is summer again, another one, a different one, many years later and Sungyeol barely remembers him. It hurts. It badly hurts. He can tell because when their eyes meet, Sungyeol nods slightly before diverting his eyes to look at whoever he is talking to. Myungsoo on the contrary is feeling like his stomach is going to spurt out of his body and he is shaking so hard Howon asks what is wrong. Nothing.

 

Everything seems so perfect. The bride and the groom. The too big cake with cherries on top. Even the cliché decorations of the reception room. Myungsoo is envious - if not jealous. Howon whispers to his ear that one day they will have their own too. Myungsoo nods, tries to smile but the knife in his heart digs a little deeper and he can't help but imagine being there with Sungyeol, both of them wearing rings on their finger. His mother would have been so proud. Sungyeol's parents... not so much. But they would have came to accept it. They could have made it.

 

Sungyeol's boyfriend looks like Myungsoo. He can tell. He is shy, with dark hair and strong eyes. He seems to rely on Sungyeol just as much as he used to do himself. Myungsoo almost thinks of it as a pathology ; Sungyeol is always attracted by lonely people in need of someone to make them feel alive. 

Myungsoo can tell he doesn't love him. He doesn't look at him the same way he used to do when they were together. He enjoys his company, he is easy, nice maybe, cute a lot but it isn't anything like what they experienced together and Myungsoo knows. His heart starts beating again at the realization. 

"He works at the hospital," Yunseo informs him. Is he a doctor? He doesn't look like one though but Myungsoo can't be sure since he didn't meet many doctors in his life anyway. If he is doctor, he is probably rich and cultivated and then it means they can easily discuss things together. Or maybe Myungsoo is wrong, maybe it is just like it was with him, maybe Sungyeol just uses him. It must be it because the man doesn't look that smart nor interesting. 

Myungsoo is curious of how they met. He fears for a moment that Sungyeol had been sick and he saved his life and they fell in love like this but Sungyeol looks just fine and Myungsoo knows how much he hates hospitals. He clearly remembers that one time when he fell off his bike on the road, scratched his skin pretty badly and hit his head and he had to go in the hospital. He cried a lot that day, telling his mom that it didn't hurt and that he didn't want to go. He cried even harder when he came back with stitches and hurried to explain to Myungsoo how scary it was. 

 

It is past midnight when Myungsoo gets a chance to finally talk to him. Howon is drinking with some friends and Myungsoo pretends to need to use the bathroom to excuse himself. It isn't that he doesn't enjoy the wedding - it is nice and Yunseo's family is adorable and Howon is as cheerful as ever - but he can't see Sungyeol anymore in the room and he wants to find him. He shouldn't, Howon will be pissed but Yunseo said it herself, they are fine now, right? They didn't talk since they broke up and Sungyeol didn't look like he aged at all but time went by. Time is supposed to heal wounds.

How long has it been since he last saw him? Maybe around five years? He stopped counting the years a while ago but it had been a long time. A very long time. And he doesn't know if he will have the chance to see him again anytime soon, after the wedding. It isn't like they are friends. They didn't talk since the day he left. Sungyeol didn't even pay attention to him today, he didn't say hello, he didn't look at him properly. Myungsoo, on the contrary, couldn't tear his eyes off him the whole night and even if he has to hide to be able to admire him a little bit longer, he will. 

The house is big but not too big. Myungsoo notices soon enough that Sungyeol isn't inside. It can't be that he already left since his boyfriend is still inside, chatting with the groom. 

 

He is sitting on a bench, in the garden, a few meters away from the house. Alone. Visibly smoking. 

Myungsoo thinks about looking from afar but he doesn't know when he will have another chance. So he approaches him, sitting right next to him on the bench, silently, looking at the now stranger, staring at the face he thought he would know forever. Myungsoo's hands are cold and his palms clammy with fear. He isn't usually so blunt and if Sungyeol is surprised he doesn't show it, instead he looks at him and chuckles. Myungsoo almost wants to cry at that sound he had almost forgotten.

"Hi, hyung," Myungsoo mutters and he shivers at the word rolling on his tongue. Sungyeol doesn't look at him, he just takes a long drag from his cigarette and hums in agreement. It isn't how Myungsoo pictured their reunion. They never cleared things out with each other ; they separated angry and never dared to call the other again. Anger eased with the years and was replaced by regrets and sadness. Myungsoo wishes he hadn't let their relationship worsen, wishes he could go back and kiss Sungyeol's face until his anger was gone. 

Looking at Sungyeol seating there, in his suit and noticing how his expression changed after all this time - he is somehow more serious or sadder and doesn't look like a child anymore - Myungsoo realizes that it is definitely over. They both have a life of their own now. New people in their lives too. Howon, Sungyeol's boyfriend. There is no way they will go back together one day because none of them are young enough anymore to let go of everything for love, to loose security over adventure and Myungsoo wants to cry at that. 

A sense of frustration and urgency takes over him and he becomes aware of how little time he has to talk to Sungyeol before they will both go back to their own lives. He starts to talk fast, messily, confusing words - just like he used to years ago when they were both kids and Myungsoo had trouble expressing himself. He tells him everything, about his life after he left, about how sorry he is - Sungyeol finally turns to look at him -, about how much he missed him. 

When he is done Sungyeol looks a bit stunned, but then he does something unexpected ; he laughs, with just the corner of his mouth rising. "You're still thinking about that?" He makes it sound ridiculous, pitiful. "Come on, it was years ago." He almost snorts. "We were so young, so careless, so stupid." He says like he is suddenly getting reminded of something that happened too long ago to really matter anymore, like it is somehow far away, far different from what Myungsoo remembers. Myungsoo doesn't say anything, because it is Sungyeol and all he can do is listen. Their story has never been a stupid one for him. Never. He still has precise memories of everything that happened, every words they told each other and it wasn't stupid. It was real. It meant something. "We were never meant to be lovers, don't you think so? I mean, we grew up together, we're more like... brothers." Myungsoo's fists curl in his lap. "It was quite disgusting, being together I mean. We knew each other so much. It's like family." Myungsoo wants to scream. His heart is beating so fast it might burst out of his chest. It is better if it bursts now in a way. He won't have to suffer from these words anymore. He tries to convince himself Sungyeol is saying this out of guilt, because he doesn't want to accept that they're both responsible of their downfall. "Anyways, it doesn't matter now, does it? We both found people we love, we're both happy. It's just like good teenage memories, isn't it? Everything we did at that time seemed so important, like it would somehow change our lives but kids tend to exaggerate things. I mean, when we look back now, all of that seem so nugatory." He sighs, letting out another chuckle. Myungsoo wants to run away or to punch him in the face - he isn't sure - but he is unable to move and if he throws a fit right now he will probably be scolded by both Yunseo and Howon. He isn't even supposed to talk to Sungyeol tonight. He is supposed to be here to support his friend. He is supposed to spend the night with his boyfriend. But he is here with Sungyeol and as he listens to him, Myungsoo feels something break inside. Something that has been there for a long time, something so fragile it is surprising he didn't break sooner but here it is and Myungsoo can't breath properly. 

"Did you ever love me?," he finally asks, desperate, trying to contain his sobs because he isn't supposed to be so weak anymore, but Sungyeol looks at him like he's being funny.

"Why are you asking?" 

"Hyung, answer me," Myungsoo breathes out, suddenly terrified. "Please," he adds when he sees that Sungyeol doesn't seem willing to, looking right in front of him, smoke coming out of his mouth in a straight line.

"I don't know-Yeah-No-Does it matter now? Don't you have a boyfriend?" 

"Just answer me," Myungsoo repeats, almost hysterical, voice cracking and his whole body tensing.

Sungyeol shrugs, sighs, sags against the bench. "No," he whispers, "No," louder, "I never loved you." His voice is low and his tone flat and it is the first time it sounds so real to Myungsoo's ears. As he lets out the breath he was holding, he breaks into a quiet sob. He doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't want it to end that way but he should have expected it from Sungyeol who can never talk about his feelings, who moved on years ago, keeping for Myungsoo only affection when Myungsoo kept waiting for him to come back.

 

His vision is blurry when he goes back to the house. Sungyeol left after their conversation, throwing his cigarette bud on the ground and not turning back when Myungsoo called him.

 

Two days later, Myungsoo goes to the theater to watch some post-apocalyptic movie. He is supposed to go to work, to answer Howon's texts but he just wants to go see a movie, really. Anything that will change his mind for a bit. It is badly played with cheap special effects and this eternal cliché of a world turning into a deserted land with nothing to eat or drink and a group of survivors struggling to survive. It isn't interesting. The music is too loud and he is too close to the screen. Myungsoo used to be into science fiction movies. He watched Blade Runner and Soylent Green at least ten times. It has always inspired him to draw, but it isn't like that anymore. He can't even see the point of this kind of stories now. It isn't original, it isn't scary. The real world is much worse, much more cruel for sure.

Myungsoo's eyes are hurting when the movie ends with more loud music and long credits. His legs are a weak and he wonders why he chose a theater without air con. His t-shirt is sticking to his skin. It is uncomfortable. 

The theater is pretty empty too. Just him and another guy. It makes sense; the sun is shinning, it is summer and the middle of the afternoon. Nobody wants to go lock themselves up in a dark room to watch a shitty movie with a moralizing end. 

It is even hotter outside. It is hard to keep walking under the sun and the hard-packed surface under his feet produces enough dirt to make it hard to breathe. The shadows of the cars and buildings are growing along the edges of the dusty ground and the sun is coloring his fair skin golden. Myungsoo didn't realize it was already this late. The sun strangely already started to set even if he chose the first showing of the afternoon.

It is surprising. Myungsoo didn't remember that the ground was made of dirt in front of the theater when he came in. Actually, the whole city never had such a large surface without any building but yellow land as far as the eye could see before. It should have appeared weird to Myungsoo. He should have go back to the theater and ask when and why the city suddenly turned into a desert. If it is even possible during the short time the movie lasted. But Myungsoo doesn't even register the weird things around him. He can't care less if the world is ending or not, because far in the distance, there is a silhouette; a tall one with a lanky body and a loose t-shirt. The stranger can't be more than seventeen. He strangely reminds him of someone. He walks towards it, unable to control his own feet, ignoring the burning sun and the flying dirt. 

"Hyung?" he tries, mouth dry and body trembling.

"Myungsoo-ah?" Sungyeol's voice replies.

 

-

 

"Hello? Is this Kim Myungsoo's mother?" 

"Yes, it's me."

"I'm calling from the hospital."

"The hospital? What happened? Is my son alright?"

"You son... We think he went through an emotional shock. He is with us right now. You should come as soon as possible."

"W-What? What do you mean? Is he alright?"

"We found him near a theater earlier today. The cashier called, he was refusing to leave. He... He think he is still sixteen years old and he keeps asking for someone named Sungyeol."

"Sung... Sungyeol?"

"Yes. Our psychologist already met him and his first conclusion seems to lead to a psychosis condition. We are about to conduct futher analysis but we need your approval as the legal representative and... Mrs. Kim, are you listening? Mrs. Kim? Hello?"


End file.
